Friday, November 14, 2008

Crazy Train

...of thoughts

Oh how I love insomnia. I've read that the sun lamp messes with your sleep patterns which is great for someone who averages around 3 hours of sleep per night. Longest I've gone without sleeping was 4 nights all in a row and it wasn't pretty (that's not me behind the scary donkey demon mask I swear). FYI: sun lamp + hangover = throbbing head (and not the good kind). I'm just going to ramble on aimlessly and hopefully my eyes will close at some point. I'm sure I'll sound like a complete jack ass right now because I can't grasp a single thought much less form a proper sentence.

So it's 1:15 and I should be asleep but I'm bored. I need to be doing something but I don't want to wake Tom. I wonder if he can hear me typing on the keys while he sleeps. I want to play the piano right now (we moved the electric piano into the house because I was going bat shit crazy without it) but I know Tom wouldn't appreciate that. I wrote a song called "Dancing Between the Raindrops" and I can only play it when it's not raining. I hope I get to play it again before Christmas.

My neighbors (the ones I accidentally threw poo at) are completely whacked. They already have their Christmas tree up and decorated, lights and all. Did we just skip Thanksgiving and go straight to Christmas? Next time I see them I'm going to wish them a happy new year.

Tom does something every day that secretly bugs me yet I've never told him. When he washes his hands he pumps a few squirts of hand soap into his hands and then, before adding any water, he rubs his hands together for several seconds. I cringe in silence because it looks as though he's rubbing the dirtiness further into his pores. I'd much prefer he pump the soap then cup his hand under the water so it can mix with the soap and then scrub into a sudsy lather. It's like brushing your teeth without adding any water to the toothbrush. Too gummy and sticky. Wish I would have worked this into our wedding vows.

I ate a banana today and it had absolutely zero flavor. How does that happen? It was like eating a wet sponge. I'm afraid to eat another banana from that same bunch for fear of this happening again. Maybe it was just a lemon.

The best way to eat a pomegranate is naked over the kitchen sink. If you can't be naked (because you have crazy neighbors with a Christmas tree who might see you) then don't wear white.

Tom and I were walking, and as usual he was a few steps ahead of me. Suddenly I smelled hot dogs. I said, "You just burped." He said, "How did you know?" I said, "I just walked in its wake." He didn't eat hot dogs for dinner but why do the majority of burps have that hot dog smell? Makes me wonder what's in a hot dog.

Chumley is annoying the crap outta me right now. He goes from humping his bear while howling/bellowing to running around like a crazy spaz, rustling through papers and plastic bags. Usually when he darts around from room to room that means he has a dingleberry hanging from his ass. Tom??? You awake?? Oh and Chum hasn't pissed on any furniture as of yet, because now he decided to relieve himself on my bag of knitting. Who wants a scarf?

Our landlords came by yesterday and Wrig's Pedi Paws was lying smack dab on the kitchen counter. I can't help but think they thought it was a sex toy. But seriously, what kind of sick f*ck would leave a dildo on the kitchen counter? Probably the same one who eats their fruit naked over the kitchen sink.

The funniest name ever for an illness is Hoof to Mouth disease. I'm not laughing at the disease itself or anyone who has ever had it, just the name and the way it sounds when you say it cracks me up. I think it's also the visual that goes along with the name. I picture a donkey with his front foot stuffed in his mouth. What's with all the donkey talk?

This morning I was attempting to shave my legs in the shower but we don't have a shelf or anything to rest your foot on so I had my foot flat against the side of the shower wall. It slipped and I slammed my forehead hard, right into the tile. I came within milliliters of bashing my nose and I thought to myself if someone asked, "How did you break your nose?" I would say, "Shaving my legs."

Golden Girls is on now. Blanche is a whore.

Still wide awake and my head is throbbing.



Clippy Mat said...

oh my good god.
that WAS the most insane, yet completely hilarious post EVER.
i am laughing so hard.
i should give you one of those daft award thingy's, if i had one,
i bet you are out like a light now.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Very funny. Your insomnia brings a smile to my face. sorry.
BTW, I think Tom is really killing more germs on his hands than you realize....before he even gets to the water. you should thank him.
The banana was proably a hybrid.

lizziebelle said...

choo choo!!!!!! :):(

Smileygirl said...

I got 5 solid hours of sleep and actually awoke to the sound of an alarm! It was glorious.

Maggie said...

LOL...I'm not happy that you cant sleep, but you're blogging during said lack of sleep is hilarious! Speaking of sleep, I had a dream about your blog the other night and you had a picture posted of Tom that was ridiculous.

Bon Don said...


I love the state of deliriousness!

I visit there often. SO FUNNY!

ChiTown Girl said...

I didn't think it was possible for you to be funnier than you normally are, but I was wrong! I love sleep-deprived Smileygirl!! I'm sitting here cracking up, all by myself. (the babies are in gym, thank goodness!)

I LOVED those pictures from your other post. It instantly took me back to my visits to Seattle. I always loved visiting my cousin when he lived there. You're going to open your door one morning, and find me standing there! :)

Anonymous said...

Good Lord girl I'm exhausted from laughing so hard!
This has made my day thank you.

BDC said...

You know when i cant sleep i take two cap fills of ny quil it works like charm. (Strawberry flavor) jsut dont get hooked....

Gina said...


you are too funny!!! :) thanks for making me crack up at work!

Live For Today said...

I am crying from "you just burped". Blanche is my idol.