Our next house...

...will have no windows.

This poor little soul hit the window while Wrigs and I were out walking. If I had been home, I could have kept him warm and maybe there would have been a chance he would have been ok. This is just hard to see and it's happening too often. I don't want to live in this bird-killing house anymore. Burial number 3.

I can't end on something sad so I'll let you all know that as I'm typing this the sun is beaming into my eyes through one of the bird killing windows. It's nice and I may just go blind as it pierces through my retinas like hot lava but boy does it ever feel good. Oh how I've missed you sun. Please stay for a few more months ok?

Btw, I am eating some cheese and crackers and all of the sudden I get this feeling I'm being watched. Chum and Wrigs are off doing their own thing so who can it be?


Seriously how creepy is this? Can you see his cheese face looking right back at me?

Reminds me of this one hit wonder, though my lyrics would be: "I always feel like, my cheese ball's watching me."

Ok I'm still sad about the bird. If we owned this house and weren't leaving in a few months I would have blinds or curtains installed on every window and keep them shut, (only allowing a beam shot of sun to peek through on the sunny days). I'm going to see if the owners will do something about this even after we leave. I can't help but thinking that this was the momma bird in search of worms for her crying babies, now left motherless, cold and starving in their exposed nest, awaiting their fateful doom.

I need to stop watching Lifetime Movie Network.

Coughing, sneezing, dripping, oozing.

Still not able to squash this cold/flu bug. And throw a horrific menstrual cycle into the mix and you've got one hot seeping mess. "Seeping in Seattle" the sequel, starring: ME. I've decided I'm only going to buy red underwear from now on.

Next subject!

I ate a whole entire pack of Rolos in one sitting. For breakfast. I know that's not healthy but it's what I do while losing quarts of blood at the speed of light. I'm doubling up on the iron pills this month even though it makes everything tastes like rust. Except for Rolos.

The snow is gone and it's now raining and soooo dark and gray. I really miss the beauty and the brightness of the snow. Even on the dark cloudy days, the snow seemed to light up the sky. I took close to a hundred pictures of snowy scenes the last 2 weeks. No wonder I'm still sick. I was out in it as much as I could be, because I knew it wasn't going to last. Right now, it's raining sideways.

Someone left a comment on a previous post about our spinning Christmas tree and yes it spun...for about 3 days. The spinner thing broke so now it just sits. Of course it broke on a not so great side of the tree so I'm stuck looking at ugly ass ornaments. By the way I forgot to mention that when I came back from California a couple weeks ago Tom had surprised me by buying and decorating the Christmas tree. It was so sweet.

Here's a pic:


We haven't had garbage or recycling pick up for 2 weeks because our street was snowed in. They are supposed to come on Wednesday. THANK GOD. Speaking of God, SUN BReAK!!! Gotta run.

Will post more snow pics later...

next year...

I'm getting a flu shot.

Still sick.

This sucks.

Should have asked Santa for more Puffs Plus with Lotion. I've gone through 4 boxes.

May attempt to make Christmas cookies tonight but not sure.

Just want to sleep.

What a thrilling post this was.

Maybe I'm sleeping. Not really sure.

Fire starter

Did you hear about these cute Snowman snow globes at Hallmark that were recalled? It says that if the sun hits it in just the right way, it takes on a magnifying effect and ignites anything in its path. Imagine that. "So, Fred, how did your house burn down?" "Oh it was just my happy Snowman globe."

Silly little Satanic snowman. (side note: Anyone who is willing to pay $100 on a Snowglobe needs to have their head examined.)

Anyway, I'm listening to the song I'll Be Home for Christmas and it bugs me. The part where they sing "please have snow and mistletoe and presents ON the tree?" Who the hell puts their presents ON the tree? If you ask me that's another fire hazard waiting to happen.

Oh by the way Merry Christmas Eve! I'm uploading a bunch of pics from our morning walk and will post soon.

For those of you in the snowy parts be extra safe and careful driving, walking, sledding, skiing, shoveling etc. As I type our I'm watching my neighbor shovel mounds of snow off his roof and for those of you in a similar predicament, please be careful and take your time! And for those of you not able to make it to your final destination this Christmas, I hope you are warm and can still find a little bit of Christmas wherever you may be.

Peace to all People!

just plane blogging

(from my plane ride to CA)

I'm blogging from the plane wishing I could live at 39,000 feet. After 3 sips of my Gin and Tonic sure as shit I'm buzzed. I'm looking out the window as we fly over the middle part of CA and it's sunny and blue and vibrant. I probably look like a side show freak with my face pressed up against the window with a big gummy smile plastered on my face. Hot TOAST! This Gin and tonic is yummy! Who says hot toast?

Did I mention I noticed a nipple hair protruding from my nipple this morning? I've always wanted to live in Europe. That's all I'll say on the subject for now. The altitude makes me feel silly. My mom is so cute. She's in the aisle seat (I'm in the window) and she's hunched over the in flight crossword using her giant magnifying glass. She looks like Sherlock Holmes. I want to blurt out, "Elementary my dear Watson!" I would try and snap a pic but for our safety "all electronic devices must be switched to the off position." Pansies. If my cockamamie cell phone camera is going to interfere with air traffic and take down a 737 then the FAA has serious shit for brains. Hold that thought. I have to pee.

Why is it the one time you get up to pee in an airplane turbulence hits as you hover??? I had to wet nap my boots. I'm going to get back to my knitting now. I use wooden needles in case anyone was wondering.

Only 30 minutes left!!! LAND HO!!!! What does that mean? Crap. I forgot I need to drive the rental car. Time to suck a penny!

uncircumcised

Tom had a "hard" time eating his sausage this morning.

mish mosh

I need to make labels for my posts because I was trying to find that story about the woman who was stuck to the toilet for a year and I couldn't. Should I retro-activate labels for all my old crap or just start fresh now? I'm sure I'll make labels for all off 3 posts before I decide this is annoying.

Since we downsized quite a bit for this move I've been using storage bins to store extra handbags, shoes and what nots. When I lifted the lid, I saw this pic:


Thank GOD for the visual aid because I would have never known that closing a baby inside a plastic box was not the right thing to do.

In this house we have a saying...

"Rakes are for p*ssies"

Ok we really don't say that we just have t-shirts. But seriously, as you can see we're not used to raking up our leaves.

Whenever I start to rant about something Tom doesn't agree with he says, "Go Pound Sand." I try not to laugh but I do because I visualize some idiot with a giant blow up hammer banging on the sand. But now when Tom says it I come back with, "Ok fly me back to California and I'll pound the beach all day." That usually ends the discussion.

At Starbucks this morning I saw a woman who I think had Hoof to Mouth disease. It was really uncomfortable to look at. It was like cottage cheese type skin (that was red raw and cracked and oozy) covered one whole side of her mouth. She was directly in my line of sight so it made it impossible to eat my oatmeal. I feel bad even mentioning it on here because she was soooo nice and just when I told myself "OK, You can do this. Just don't glance over in that general direction." She strikes up a conversation about the hat I was wearing and when I told her I knitted it, it led to several more questions and that's when I capped my oatmeal. Sort of like putting the nail in the coffin, the oatmeal was capped. The woman was really old, like probably 90 so I need to not talk about this anymore because she was just too sweet.

Tom worked late tonight so I ate Trader Joe's Triple Berry O's for dinner. Without milk. How sad is this, our house is so fricking cold that adding cold milk to my cereal makes me even colder so I ate my cereal dry. Without a spoon. I still have the oatmeal from this morning in the fridge but every time I think of it I now have a visual of the Hoof to Mouther.

The word "constipated" is not in predictive text on my phone. And although I don't type it all too often, when I need to do so it takes up too much time. Diarrhea, however, is in there. I guess if I had to choose between the two I use the latter much more often than the former.

Crazy Train

...of thoughts

Oh how I love insomnia. I've read that the sun lamp messes with your sleep patterns which is great for someone who averages around 3 hours of sleep per night. Longest I've gone without sleeping was 4 nights all in a row and it wasn't pretty (that's not me behind the scary donkey demon mask I swear). FYI: sun lamp + hangover = throbbing head (and not the good kind). I'm just going to ramble on aimlessly and hopefully my eyes will close at some point. I'm sure I'll sound like a complete jack ass right now because I can't grasp a single thought much less form a proper sentence.

So it's 1:15 and I should be asleep but I'm bored. I need to be doing something but I don't want to wake Tom. I wonder if he can hear me typing on the keys while he sleeps. I want to play the piano right now (we moved the electric piano into the house because I was going bat shit crazy without it) but I know Tom wouldn't appreciate that. I wrote a song called "Dancing Between the Raindrops" and I can only play it when it's not raining. I hope I get to play it again before Christmas.

My neighbors (the ones I accidentally threw poo at) are completely whacked. They already have their Christmas tree up and decorated, lights and all. Did we just skip Thanksgiving and go straight to Christmas? Next time I see them I'm going to wish them a happy new year.

Tom does something every day that secretly bugs me yet I've never told him. When he washes his hands he pumps a few squirts of hand soap into his hands and then, before adding any water, he rubs his hands together for several seconds. I cringe in silence because it looks as though he's rubbing the dirtiness further into his pores. I'd much prefer he pump the soap then cup his hand under the water so it can mix with the soap and then scrub into a sudsy lather. It's like brushing your teeth without adding any water to the toothbrush. Too gummy and sticky. Wish I would have worked this into our wedding vows.

I ate a banana today and it had absolutely zero flavor. How does that happen? It was like eating a wet sponge. I'm afraid to eat another banana from that same bunch for fear of this happening again. Maybe it was just a lemon.

The best way to eat a pomegranate is naked over the kitchen sink. If you can't be naked (because you have crazy neighbors with a Christmas tree who might see you) then don't wear white.

Tom and I were walking, and as usual he was a few steps ahead of me. Suddenly I smelled hot dogs. I said, "You just burped." He said, "How did you know?" I said, "I just walked in its wake." He didn't eat hot dogs for dinner but why do the majority of burps have that hot dog smell? Makes me wonder what's in a hot dog.

Chumley is annoying the crap outta me right now. He goes from humping his bear while howling/bellowing to running around like a crazy spaz, rustling through papers and plastic bags. Usually when he darts around from room to room that means he has a dingleberry hanging from his ass. Tom??? You awake?? Oh and Chum hasn't pissed on any furniture as of yet, because now he decided to relieve himself on my bag of knitting. Who wants a scarf?

Our landlords came by yesterday and Wrig's Pedi Paws was lying smack dab on the kitchen counter. I can't help but think they thought it was a sex toy. But seriously, what kind of sick f*ck would leave a dildo on the kitchen counter? Probably the same one who eats their fruit naked over the kitchen sink.


The funniest name ever for an illness is Hoof to Mouth disease. I'm not laughing at the disease itself or anyone who has ever had it, just the name and the way it sounds when you say it cracks me up. I think it's also the visual that goes along with the name. I picture a donkey with his front foot stuffed in his mouth. What's with all the donkey talk?

This morning I was attempting to shave my legs in the shower but we don't have a shelf or anything to rest your foot on so I had my foot flat against the side of the shower wall. It slipped and I slammed my forehead hard, right into the tile. I came within milliliters of bashing my nose and I thought to myself if someone asked, "How did you break your nose?" I would say, "Shaving my legs."

Golden Girls is on now. Blanche is a whore.

Still wide awake and my head is throbbing.

CHOO! CHOO!!!

frozen tid bits

I'm sorting through my box of unmentionables and I leave the bedroom for a few minutes and return to this:

That would be my strapless bra insert inside of Wrig's mouth. He now has a new toy. I'll throw some granny panties for Chum to play with so he's not left out.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon touring Open Houses in Queen Anne. One thing I noticed upon entering each home was that they were soooo warm! I couldn't believe how nice it felt to walk into a home and actually be able to take off your hat, scarf, gloves, etc. I made this comment to one of the showing agents and explained to him that the house we are renting is FREEZING all the time. He asked where it was and I told him and he knew exactly the house we were in and said that it's been on the market for about a year and he has shown it to several clients and that has been the biggest complaint! He said even in the warmer months, the house was still uncomfortably cold. As I type this right now my hands are are starting to tingle. For shits and giggles I took a photograph of the heater that I carry around with me that registers room temperature. He is the temp in the bathroom:


And here is the temp in what was going to be my Craft room/Guest room but decided that it's too uncomfortable for any human or beast to spend more than 7 seconds in here:


Wrigs has been so cold that he lets me bundle him up in his blanket.

He says, "Welcome back KBL!!"

And now for some warmth...

We spent Saturday afternoon with Karen, Gregg and David. We had such a great time and they were fantastic hosts and showed us their adorable, picturesque town. Wrigs even got a glimpse of Latte, their big fuzzy outdoor cat, but Latte was not as keen to make friends right away. He had to be pried from the deck and put inside. Poor guy! But it was quite entertaining to watch Gregg carry Latte like a sack of potatoes into the house. I'm sure many of you have seen the beautiful pictures Karen has posted of her neighborhood and views. They are even more breathtaking in person. Truly a house filled with and surrounded by love and warmth!!!

And for those of you who have been reading blogs for a while, do you know who I saw outside a coffee shop??? Liz from As The Tumor Turns. Crazy thing, this blogging world isn't it?

Karen and I went into this cute little bakery to get some dog treats for Wrigs and we both had a moment of hysterics. Here was their "Fresh Fruit" display at the bakery:


What do you think? Fail blog worthy???

Last night my girlfriend and I were WWW (webcamming with wine) and this is what happened as a result:

Her showing me some yoga poses because Tom told us we were going to get hunch backs from the way we were sitting. Her screen froze on this pose and it made me laugh soooo hard:


Then I was telling her how dirty my hair is (what riveting conversations!) and that I could pull out strands and they would just stick straight out. And here's exhibit A:


She was telling me to "phone home" after this.

Ok, the room has now warmed up to a balmy 58 degrees so I'm going to attempt a shower and a shampoo! Too bad these heaters aren't waterproof.

WHY?!?

I have no idea why, but I CAN'T get this song out of my head today:

I used to LOVE this segment on Sesame Street as a kid especially the part "they talked about the high price of furniture and rugs" (makes no SENSE but it's sooo funny!) but I have no idea as to why this keeps popping into my head.

I haven't seen any ladybugs here.

Yet...

An adjustment for all

Is it 9:30 at night or in the morning? I can't f*cking tell.

It's seriously dark, like night time. If I were a bat, this would be glorious.

It's so dark, that I mistook a prescription codeine for my daily vitamin this morning. Woopsie. It's not all bad.

Something is leaking as I type. It could be our washing machine. We just finally got the pipe fixed. It was leaking when we tried to connect the washer. It's now supposed to be fixed but I hear water dripping. Actually it's more like a lightly running faucet. We have no dryer because our dryer is gas and this house has no gas line. So I am currently washing a load of towels and have no idea what the hell I'm going to do to dry them. Can't exactly hang them outside like I used to do back home.

We also have no microwave. I should rephrase that. We have no working microwave. The microwave here is just for looks. I thought the owner of the house was kidding when she told us that. Only the "popcorn" button works. Living without a microwave and a dryer is a royal pain in the ass.

The one I really feel badly for is Wrigley. Due to space constraints the poor guy eats and drinks right next to Chumley's shit box. I couldn't imagine eating my breakfast in the bathroom next to Tom while he's on the crapper. I wish there was some other place I could move his bowls. It's also been a challenge letting Wrigley outside to do his business. The area he has to poop and pee is very small and what has happened on more than one occasion is that he ends up back stepping into his poop and then rushes back into the house smearing it all over the floor and furniture. I went completely ape shit on him and I feel bad because I know it's not his fault but I just really miss the way things used to be.

Some lifestyle adjustments I've made since living here:

I shower about every other day (give or take a day). And I wash my hair twice a week. Our house is way too cold to bathe anymore than that. And shaving my legs is now a thing of the past.

I drink roughly the same amount, I just start earlier in the day. But I end up going to bed earlier so it's not like I'm drinking a whole lot more than I used to.

I wear a hat and scarf at all times in and out of this house. The heat runs constantly but it doesn't seem to warm up at all.

I don't go outside when it's drizzling. I'm already starting to feel like a hermit.

Our neighborhood is really cute, big huge trees, the lake or sound or bay or whatever it's called is just a few blocks away. My sister and I walked around town quite a bit and got lost. We ended up in a not so desirable area. When we finally got out of there and realized where we were, there was my house, just one street away from where that area starts. We will be activating our alarm system this week.

I feel so completely out of my element.

medicine/liquor cabinet

While packing up the medicine cabinet I come across a bottle of Nightime Theraflu couch medicine. Not much left, so not worth lugging to Seattle.

Logical thing to do?

Swig it.

I'm certain it was more than 2 servings worth.

Feeling gooooooooooooood right...about...NOW.

HA! I just realized I said "couch" medicine in that first sentence and not "cough". I'm leaving it that way because I like it.

My eyes are feeling wiggly.

Who knew moving was so much fun?

I think I'm done packing for tonight. My face feels like jello.

cantaloupe

has just been added to the garden. Fascinating, I know.

Move over, Paris

I missed Jury Duty. I was supposed to show up this past Monday the 25th but completely forgot. And I wrote it down, on 2 calendars but didn't program it in the calendar in my phone. So today I receieve a notice in the mail that says I could be summoned for further legal action. Great, now I'm a fugitive. Could I be sent to the big house for this?

a problem

I have a bit of a problem. I wasn't sure if I should post this on here or not, but maybe there are others out there suffering from a similar condition and we can band together to help each other. My problem goes something like this...

For as long as I can remember, when I'm in a social type setting with friends, and I happen to see an empty space along a wall, I have a sudden uncontrollable urge to...




















Do a hand stand.


Doesn't matter where I'm at. Could be at a Polish dive bar in Chicago...


Or in the lobby of a fancy hotel...


Or at a swanky Hollywood nightclub...(this pic will not rotate!)


Or in the comfort of my home!


Or en route to a fancy dinner...


Or on a pub crawl with friends...(not sure what is up with these photos, blogger refuses to rotate them!)


These hand stands are not drug or alcohol induced. They just happen out of the blue and can strike without much warning. And yes, I've attempted a few sloppy handstands after an adult beverage or two and lucky for me they were never caught on film. My last attempt was not so gracefully executed as my wrists gave out during the leg kick which resulted in a painful fall into a curtain of sharp glass beads. I was wearing a backless shirt and still have the scars to prove it.

Sometimes when I'm feeling really good I'll go the extra mile and perform a one handed stand. But I'm sad to say these are slowly becoming a thing of the past. Tom now says my Mary Lou Retton days are over. But the funny part is, he's always the one snapping the photos!!!

Here's one for old time's sake...

Why is it that...

only when you are running EXTREMELY late whether it be for an interview, dr. appt or some other time sensitive engagement, the button holding your pants together decides to pop off? I need to invest in some stylish elastic waistband trousers. Once I find them I'll be sure and blog about it.

An addiction that's good for you???

Well, not really.

But it contains Niacin, Vitamins B6 and 12, zinc and magnesium. So it's sort of healthy? I guess so. That is if you take away all the caffeine, artificial sweeteners and phenylalanine for those who are phenylketonuric. Yes, it's official I have TOO much time on my hands. I google everything on my food and drink labels. Oh and probably not a good idea to drink this out of a can. That will only lead to an early onset of Osteoporosis and Alzheimer's. But if you're cool with that...ENJOY!! This stuff actually tastes pretty good. Now if I can only remember where I put my keys...

more on Chumley's Bear Cruises

Thanks to my friend Lori, for finding this gem on youtube. If any of you are on the fence about sailing the seas with Chumley's Bear, I'm sure after watching this video you'll quickly make up your mind. I'm also beginning to think the word "bear" takes on a completely different meaning for these folks.

Interested in a Gay Cruise?

For those of you who know my cat Chumley (and his bear) you will find this very amusing. I am beginning to think this cruise was created in honor of Chumley and his bear!

Here is the human "Chumley" who I'm assuming is the one who puts this whole shin dig together. I'm tempted to write to him about my Chumley and his bear and see if he'd like to hire him out as the ship's mascot.


For anyone interested in taking a Chumley's Bear Gay cruise, I've included the link below. Sorry ladies, it appears to be for men (and gay cats) only.

Chumley's Bear Cruises

Artichokes and Q-tips?

Someone did a search on google looking for artichokes and q-tips which led them to my blog...

For the life of me I cannot find any entry where I would have posted a story about artichokes and q-tips. But if I did, I apologize. I need to stop blogging about nonsense at 2am when I'm sleep deprived. I'll take that advice right now and watch a rerun of The Naked Archaeologist on the History channel.

Nite Nite!