A New Chumley

Tom and I agree that Chumley would be the perfect pet if we could make just a few minor adjustments:

• If we could remove all of his teeth.

• If he would stop urinating on all our furniture and beds and if he didn't have one of these.

• If he would stop sticking his litter clumped paws in our beverage glasses for a taste.

• If he would stop dive bombing face first into our food when we are trying to eat or cook something on the stove. 

• If he would stop the loud bellowing between 2:00 and 3:00 in the morning.

• If he would stop knocking everything off our countertops and shelves.

• If he would stop licking photographs and magazine covers.

• If he would not try to kill every person that walks through our front door.

• If he would stop pulling the yarns out of my home made shawls and scarves.

• If he would stop chewing and thus destroying the charger cords for our laptops and cell phones.

• If he would stop hitting the screen of my lap top or book I am reading when he's having one of his fits.

• If he would stop jumping from floor to head level when he's upset and trying to get attention.

• If he would stop pawing out all this food, spreading it across the kitchen counter, which then attracts ants. 

• If he would just learn to throw up on the hardwood floor and not our couch, bed or throw rugs (but this I know he can't help so I'll have to let it go.)

• If he would let me pet him.

• If he would not attack us, period.

• Oh and if he would stop sleeping curled up on MY same pillow at night. Though it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't have this anymore.

Is that too much to ask? And yes, I realize that in the above pic Chum is donning a nice striped tie. That's his good boy tie and I put it on him when he's being good. He actually doesn't mind it. Yes he's weird. He loves getting his toe-nails clipped and he likes to wear ties and scarves. You figure him out.