did not intend this to be so long...

***Update***

Oh for the love of GOD look what I found in my pantry this morning when I reached for the cereal...



Whatever. I'm not going back. My pain and suffering was worth the 4 bucks. Stupid bite sized wafer cookies.

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I left to go grocery shopping at 4:30

Grocery store is less 1/4 of a mile away

I am just now home at 6:30.

In addition to the cluster f*ck cloud that has planted itself above my head, today was not a pain free day. In fact it was pretty bad. I needed to get some groceries but I put it off all day because every few moments I'm doubled over in pain. Finally at 4:30 I leave. I only need a few things, like milk and some ready made foods so I figure this will be quick.

I'm rushing through the aisles and by the time I'm at the checkout I'm doubled over the cart. Check out guy was trying to rush through which was nice and then he came to some deli cheese that didn't have a deli price sticker on it so the bag girl had to take it back to the deli. She left without asking what kind of cheese it was and was gone for a couple minutes and then came walking back and I just said, "Horseradish Cheddar" and she turned back around. The lady behind me huffed and puffed and removed her items from the belt. Whatever. I can guarantee she had a better day than I did.

Once I'm home putting the groceries away I realize, there's no milk. I check the trunk of the car, nothing. I grab my keys and speed back to the store.

I tell the manager that my milk was not put in my cart and she asks to see the receipt. I realize it's sitting at home on the kitchen counter. She says Ok, just grab the same milk and you can take it home. Fine. Fine. I do that and totally feel like a thief as I exit the store via the produce section in a rush with only a jug of milk.

Once I get home I check off each item on the receipt and then realize milk is not the only thing that is missing. I was able to account for everything except a baggie of cracked pepper turkey pastrami and one other item I can't figure out based on the receipt that reads "LOACKERS - $3.99". I have NO CLUE what the hell this could have been even though I just purchased it minutes before. Now, my adrenaline's pumping and I can't even feel the stomach cramps. I grab the keys AGAIN and speed out of the driveway almost smashing into my neighbor, which I will explain and apologize to her for later. (She was in her car - it's not like I was about to run over a pedestrian).

By this time the grocery store is packed. I decide to double check the trunk ONCE AGAIN before I go into my tirade on how this has happened for the last time. I rustle some things around, but there's no baggie of deli meat or LOACKERS to be found.

I head back to the Manager's office and hand her my receipt and show her what's missing. She can't figure out that one item either so instead she gives me cash back. Fine. Then she says that she'll go get the meat which I said no she didn't have to but she insisted. I'm glad she did because the line at the deli counter was 4 people long and she got first priority. At this point I probably would have gone APE SHIT having to wait there in pain. The cramps were really bad again.

The manager comes back with the meat and she apologizes and I say it's ok, whatever, and I rush back to my car. I feel as though my stomach is about to explode. Not like a bathroom type of explosion it was like hot searing pains shooting across my lower stomach. They wouldn't last long but when they came it was like a bolt of lighting. I'm looking for my keys in my purse and can't find them. I shake my purse a few times and don't hear the usual jingle jangle of keys and then realize I must have left my f*cking keys in the trunk. I push the key button on the trunk PRAYING that it will open as I lift and of course it doesn't. I slam my turkey pastrami onto the ground (it was either that or my cell phone) and shout "F*CK F*CK F*CK!!!!" then start walking home in tears.

I usually carry a spare key in my wallet but guess who decided to switch out wallets JUST THIS LAST WEEKEND?!?! I left many of the contents of my bigger wallet on top of the desk area in the kitchen and had intended to go through and organize it all at some point. The spare key was among that mix.

I'm back home, spare key is now wedged into my smaller summer wallet and I am about to pour myself the biggest glass of GREEK WINE. My girlfriend Rebecca shipped me a bottle that we bought last year in Santorini. We waited almost 9 months for this damn wine to arrive. We both ordered 3 bottles at 10 euros a piece but ended up spending $404 US dollars because of shipping costs. The arrival of this wine has been the only bright spot in my day. I'm off to imbibe.