Monday, June 23, 2008

did not intend this to be so long...


Oh for the love of GOD look what I found in my pantry this morning when I reached for the cereal...

Whatever. I'm not going back. My pain and suffering was worth the 4 bucks. Stupid bite sized wafer cookies.


I left to go grocery shopping at 4:30

Grocery store is less 1/4 of a mile away

I am just now home at 6:30.

In addition to the cluster f*ck cloud that has planted itself above my head, today was not a pain free day. In fact it was pretty bad. I needed to get some groceries but I put it off all day because every few moments I'm doubled over in pain. Finally at 4:30 I leave. I only need a few things, like milk and some ready made foods so I figure this will be quick.

I'm rushing through the aisles and by the time I'm at the checkout I'm doubled over the cart. Check out guy was trying to rush through which was nice and then he came to some deli cheese that didn't have a deli price sticker on it so the bag girl had to take it back to the deli. She left without asking what kind of cheese it was and was gone for a couple minutes and then came walking back and I just said, "Horseradish Cheddar" and she turned back around. The lady behind me huffed and puffed and removed her items from the belt. Whatever. I can guarantee she had a better day than I did.

Once I'm home putting the groceries away I realize, there's no milk. I check the trunk of the car, nothing. I grab my keys and speed back to the store.

I tell the manager that my milk was not put in my cart and she asks to see the receipt. I realize it's sitting at home on the kitchen counter. She says Ok, just grab the same milk and you can take it home. Fine. Fine. I do that and totally feel like a thief as I exit the store via the produce section in a rush with only a jug of milk.

Once I get home I check off each item on the receipt and then realize milk is not the only thing that is missing. I was able to account for everything except a baggie of cracked pepper turkey pastrami and one other item I can't figure out based on the receipt that reads "LOACKERS - $3.99". I have NO CLUE what the hell this could have been even though I just purchased it minutes before. Now, my adrenaline's pumping and I can't even feel the stomach cramps. I grab the keys AGAIN and speed out of the driveway almost smashing into my neighbor, which I will explain and apologize to her for later. (She was in her car - it's not like I was about to run over a pedestrian).

By this time the grocery store is packed. I decide to double check the trunk ONCE AGAIN before I go into my tirade on how this has happened for the last time. I rustle some things around, but there's no baggie of deli meat or LOACKERS to be found.

I head back to the Manager's office and hand her my receipt and show her what's missing. She can't figure out that one item either so instead she gives me cash back. Fine. Then she says that she'll go get the meat which I said no she didn't have to but she insisted. I'm glad she did because the line at the deli counter was 4 people long and she got first priority. At this point I probably would have gone APE SHIT having to wait there in pain. The cramps were really bad again.

The manager comes back with the meat and she apologizes and I say it's ok, whatever, and I rush back to my car. I feel as though my stomach is about to explode. Not like a bathroom type of explosion it was like hot searing pains shooting across my lower stomach. They wouldn't last long but when they came it was like a bolt of lighting. I'm looking for my keys in my purse and can't find them. I shake my purse a few times and don't hear the usual jingle jangle of keys and then realize I must have left my f*cking keys in the trunk. I push the key button on the trunk PRAYING that it will open as I lift and of course it doesn't. I slam my turkey pastrami onto the ground (it was either that or my cell phone) and shout "F*CK F*CK F*CK!!!!" then start walking home in tears.

I usually carry a spare key in my wallet but guess who decided to switch out wallets JUST THIS LAST WEEKEND?!?! I left many of the contents of my bigger wallet on top of the desk area in the kitchen and had intended to go through and organize it all at some point. The spare key was among that mix.

I'm back home, spare key is now wedged into my smaller summer wallet and I am about to pour myself the biggest glass of GREEK WINE. My girlfriend Rebecca shipped me a bottle that we bought last year in Santorini. We waited almost 9 months for this damn wine to arrive. We both ordered 3 bottles at 10 euros a piece but ended up spending $404 US dollars because of shipping costs. The arrival of this wine has been the only bright spot in my day. I'm off to imbibe.


Lindsey said...

GOOD FOR YOU! I shopped yesterday and didn't notice until I went to get the celery out of the fridge this morning to pack a snack for work today that several entire bag..were missing. I said screw it though. I suppose other forces didn't want me eating any greens ths that was the ENTIRE bag full of missing items. Cheers to stressful grocery shopping.

karengberger said...

Dear friend,
How very, very awful your day sounds; I am SO sorry. I hope the pain gets under control (perhaps your doctor would like to know about it!) and that you can get some rest. I also hope someone who lives nearby can deliver food to you tomorrow! Pizza or anything...
God bless you!

Karyn said...

Oh! Laura! I'm sorry... Get a french-kiss from Wrigley. It'll make everything better.

TTQ said...

I keep having dreams about shit like that. I hope th epain gets better, just remember I am going through the pain that you may habe gone through too before the lap. I almost passed out at the grocery TWICE, two different days , two different stores! Luckily I had xanax and pain meds and honey picked up his cell phone even though he was working..

e-mail me anytime, and if if you IM , we can swap names and add each other to our buddy lists..

I'm thinking you need one of my florida ray of sunshine surprise boxes!

Clippy Mat said...

a) i love your blog
b) i'm sorry about your pain
(perhaps i should reverse those 2)
and c) i saw the photos of you and your friend on a previous blog and i have to say i felt jealous that two people could be given so much good lookingness, it hardly seems fair to be perfectly shallow, i mean frank. and d) did you ever find out what the loackers were? there has to be some reasonable explanation.
oh yes, and that video of your cat attacking you. too funny. love it.

suz said...

oh my gosh. You need an assistant right now.
I can't believe you even went back. I would have written it all off as a bad day.
i hope you are feeling better today? you need to take it easy and heal.

Lizy said...

Just one of those days..... Not cool!

ChiTown Girl said...

I say it's all Tom's fault for running off to rendevous with my mother at her villa, and leaving you to fend for yourself!!!

I hope you're feeling better today. I wish I was there taking care of you. I would have absolutely had to BSFFI at the grocery store, though!!

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

That sounds AWFUL. Like a black cloud was following you around all day.

Today will be better.
Maybe you should call your doc if those sharp pains continue..... ?

Hang in there.

The Engine of the Family said...

Girlfriend, you need a little Enrique love! Are you supposed to be in so much pain? Do we need to come and cart you off to the doctor? Get your wine, take a seat outside and relax! Take care:)

Anonymous said...

LMAO!! You had them all ALONG?