We got pumpkin bashed

Our beautiful pumpkins that we spent forever picking out are now bashed in bits all over the street. I hate pumpkin bashers. How can someone smash a sweet smiling pumpkin face into the cement? Actually makes me think they are capable of much worse. Tom didn't even want to tell me about it but he was out there cleaning up the mess and then I saw our pumpkins were gone and realized it was our beloved pumpkin carcasses all over the street. Evil bastards.

We got about 25 trick or treaters this year and Tom and I sat out on the porch in our rockers drinking beer, triggering the remote control fart machine (which was hidden in some bushes) as the treaters approached. We entertained ourselves the whole night. Some kids ran from it, others laughed and one even said "Excuse me!" We are easily amused. The animals were pretty worked up the whole night and didn't understand why all these little goblins were coming to the house demanding candy. They would look out the window barking and hissing from time to time and when we'd open the door they both would try and push their way through to sneak outside. They are such fools.


At one point while we're rocking back and forth Tom looks directly above my head and says, "OH. I see you put up a fake spider." I look up and SCREAM as I throw my beer to the ground and run into the street. This disgusting half dollar sized spider was dangling above my head on it's web. After my 30 second scream the beast shot up towards the house where Tom snapped this photo. Sick sick sick. Just looking at the photo makes me shudder. I thought about it later that night and told Tom if that thing got stuck in my hair and I couldn't find it I would just have him shave it all off. Not even kidding.