Um, does it come with a return policy?

The decision to bring a child into this world is not one that my husband and I have ever taken lightly. We've been married 9 years and am I ready for the responsibilities of motherhood? HELL NO! I don't feel any more ready now than the day we said "I do." Heck, we could be married 90 years and I STILL don't think I'd feel ready. But we don't have 90+ years for this feeling to kick in, so maybe we have to come to the realization that it's never going to hit. It'd be much easier for all of us if there was some magical Motherhood light bulb that clicks on in your head (or reproductive system) signaling that the time is right. I am waiting to hear some pleasant woman's automated voice in my head say, "Ok, Laura, the time is now. You are ready for Motherhood, so begin the Pro-creation process now. Have a nice day." But instead my own little inner voice screams: "WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?? Just last week you left an entire trunk full of groceries in the car for 2 days! And how many times have you forgot to feed the dog? And let's not forget your love for white wine, my dear! How many glasses did you throw back last night? Yeah, I lost count too. Sure, you're well on your way to becoming Mother of the Year!!

One of the things that scares me the most is that having a baby is irreversible. There's no turning back once that screaming prune comes shooting out into this world. It has got to be the most important decision of anyone's life. I'm not saying other decisions like marriage, or career changes aren't significant, they just are not as permanent. You get married, it doesn't work, you CAN get divorced. You take a new job, you don't like your boss, you CAN quit. You move to the boondocks of Minnesota, you realize it's making you crazy, you CAN move someplace else. You still have the control to make choices that will change the outcome of your situation. God, I sound like a control freak, but still it's not something you can easily do with your own offspring. Even if you realize you're not cut out for this, you CANNOT return this child to where it came from. If attempted, you'll die in the process.

I also have quite a few worries that don't entirely revolve around the lack of a mother instinct. This world is NOT the same place it was 30, 20 even 10 years ago and there are very legitimate fears that we face today in regards to the safety of our children that were not so prevalent in the past. Yes, there have always been child predators, but did they have such easy access to their targets 20 years ago? And yes, there have always been gangs and violence in schools but did these same kids play hours and hours worth of realistic video games that actually reward them the more people they mutilate and slaughter? I know as a parent you can control what websites your child visits, what television shows they watch and whether or not they will play video games. But what you can't control is when that child is out that door and out of your sight, who else they come in contact with. We obviously can't leave this up to the schools to regulate, so unless your kid is home schooled, every day is a threat to their overall safety. And don't even get me started on the whole war on terror and what predictions are now being made for the next 5-10 years. Seriously I don't think I would allow my child out of the house (or built in bomb shelter) ever. Ok now I sound like Debbie Downer and that is not my intention here. I just start rambling and go off on tangents but these are the things I think about! I really should edit and revise but that is not the purpose of this blog. I just write whatever comes out so I can sort out my racing thoughts. I don't mean to come across so negative however, I'm just being realistic. Although maybe a little Xanax wouldn't hurt. I'll take one now, where's my wine?