Planes, Buses and Automobiles

My trip back to California from Chicago can be summed up in 2 words...NIGHT MARE.

(I'll apologize in advance for any offensive language or information that may follow in this post. I've been saying that a lot lately, haven't I?)

I was supposed to leave Chicago O'hare at 7:40pm. My mom lives about 30 miles away and since we'd be leaving during rush hour we wanted to get a head start. We were on the road around 4:45. I got to the airport before 6 and security was fast so I had plenty of time to kill. There was a flight leaving at 6:30 to LAX and for a moment I was tempted to put my name on a standby list, but then realized my luggage would be at John Wayne airport so I decided against it. If I only knew.

At about 7:00 it started. Heavy, heavy rain and INTENSE lightning. Came out of nowhere. I used to love that about summers in Chicago but didn't really feel the love for it right then and there. So now, our flight's delayed til 8:12. Then 8:26. Then 8:40. The airport terminals are now 2 flights behind so there are people EVERYWHERE, there's no place to sit or even stand without rubbing elbows with a complete stranger. They tell us that we need to board our plane, (probably to free up space in the hot sticky terminals) so we board around 8:40. The rain is coming down so hard that it's leaking through the tunnel to the plane. People are getting soaked as they wait to cross over the tunnel/airplane threshold. I'm asking anyone I see in a uniform if we can PLEASE wait this out inside the airport rather than sit in a hot crowded tube. The answer (in a smiley voice) "It's up to you but you'll lose your seat if it pulls away from the gate."

So on the plane we go. We sat there for 2 and a half hours. (This happened to me once before in the winter. We sat on the runway at O'hare for 3 hours due to a blizzard. The guy sitting in the seat next to me fell asleep the whole time and when he woke up he thought we had landed in CA. I told him, buddy, we haven't even left Chicago. He looked out the window, saw the snow and started freaking out. I told him to calm the heck down, at least he got to sleep for 3 hours!) So anyway, this time we watched one movie before even pulling away from the gate. It was Premonition with Sandra Bullock and Julian McMahon (hot doctor from Nip Tuck). As if this movie wasn't confusing enough for someone with an attention span of a gnat, try having a pilot interrupt every 15 minutes with an update on the weather/flight situation. I would have doubled up on the Concerta, but sadly it was tucked away in my suitcase that I decided to check at the last minute.

About half way through the movie, the luggage cars arrive and the big guys start loading the luggage onto the plane. It looks promising...for a minute. Then the lightning starts up again, this time extremely close. The union guys start scattering, like ants running from Windex, to take cover. They leave 4 bags on the loading ramp which is now stopped. I'm sitting in the window seat and I say to the woman next to me, "There are suitcases left on the ramp, just sitting there, uncovered in the rain." She says, "Oh no that's terrible! At least they could have put some tarp over them! What do they look like? One's probably mine." I tell here there are 2 small black ones and a gray one, and the other looked like a duffel. She said, "I have a small black suitcase." I said, "So do I, but doesn't everybody? I'm sure we're fine."

We have a pilot change because our original pilot exceeded his flight hours so we get a new one who's more chatty than the first. It's now the last scene of the movie and the pilot's yakking over the loud speaker. The movie's over and no one has a clue as to what the hell happened. People are ornery, babies are crying, some sicko keeps farting. Finally after the 3rd or 4th whiff the woman sitting in my row in the aisle seat shouts, "WHO KEEPS FARTING!?!?" That cracked me up. I was frantically fanning myself with the safety instructions brochure. The plane was stifling and the fart smell wasn't the only aroma in the air. There was a couple 2 rows behind that had been traveling internationally and Oh My GOD did they stink. At least I was not sitting in that row.

The woman next to me asks the stewardess or should I say flight attendant (probably more PC) for a glass of water. The FA says that unfortunately the catering cart did not make it to the airplane yet due to the lightning. So no food and no drink. Now we're all freaked. I had visions of this turning into that 8 hour Jet Blue debacle a few months back. I told the woman next to me pretty soon I'm going to head into the airplane bathroom and stick my mouth under the faucet. She now thinks I'm nuts. What do I care. So what next? Ok I'll do the in flight crossword. I rummage around in my carry on bag and finally find my pen and when I pull it out I'm dripping in black ink. My pen exploded and it's all over my hands and arms. Into the bathroom I go to wash my hands. It takes 10 minutes before the ink is somewhat faded from my skin. I come back and the woman in the aisle seat is kind enough to loan me another pen. I start on the crossword which is harder than quantum physics and write in BIG LETTERS on the crossword page "THIS CROSSWORD SUCKS ASS!" I shut the magazine and my eyes and try to get some sleep.

Finally at 10:30 we pull away from the gate. We sit for another half hour since the pilot announces that there are 100 planes in line for take off. And since we're leaving so late we won't make the 11:00 cut off into John Wayne airport (noise restriction for the millionaires that live in the area) so we'll have to land at LAX and then be shuttle bussed to John Wayne. Fantastic.

So it's now 11:00 and we finally take off. The food made it on prior to take off (obviously) so for 5 bucks I order a dry turkey/cheese sandwich. There's a packet of sauce which I'm hoping is some sort of mustard but no, it's Creamy Cilantro dressing. Cilantro makes me puke and this is no exaggeration. So I eat 3 bites of the sawdust sandwich and then realize I need to attend to some bathroom business. Ok remember when I told you there may be some offensive information or rather "too much information" in this post? Stop reading now then if you're easily disgusted, or eating. I get into the stall and since the nasty weather created a lot of turbulence, let's just say that probably made it difficult for men to "aim" into the toilet. My shoes are sticking to the floor and make a wet suction noise with each step. There is so much liquid on the ground that when I pull my pants down I'm trying to gather up the hems and hold them (while hovering) so they don't hit the floor. Well that doesn't work because I'm knocked around like a pin ball due to turbulence and end up bare assed on the sticky toilet. I grab a handful of kleenex and start wiping my skin raw.

I realize this post is way too long. I'll cut to the chase. We land at LAX, luggage takes a while before it comes down because our carousel is crowded with an earlier flight's luggage yet there are no people from that flight, so finally they just unload ours on top of all this existing luggage. It creates a jam and people are literally riding on the luggage carousel trying to get their bags unstuck. I saw one pissed off woman ride around for a good 20 seconds struggling to get her suitcase, and it almost made this whole flight fiasco worth it. Finally I see what looks to be my bag but it's all shiny. When it comes around I grab for it and it's SOAKING wet, literally drenched in water. I tried to find the woman next to me on the plane who was worried that her suitcase was stuck on the ramp but she was no where in sight. So I wheeled my dripping suitcase out of baggage and into the line of people waiting for the bus.

Fortunately, I got a seat right in front on the bus. Unfortunately, the man sitting next to me had the WORST poo breath I've ever smelled. Everytime he opened his mouth to yawn it smelled like he was taking a crap right there in the seat. I zipped up my hoodie as far as it could go and pulled it up to the bridge of my nose. Breathe in, breathe out.

We finally make it into John Wayne airport by 2am (which is a ghost town since it shuts down at 11) and Tom is waiting there for me with 2 tacos from Del Taco and Diet Coke in hand. I collapse in the car and grab for the tacos. Just as I open the wrapper he says, "Oh shit, I forgot to tell them no Cilantro." I start crying.

We're home by 3 and to bed we go. I count my blessings and recite (in my head, since I'm too tired to write it down in my thankful journal) the 3 three things that I am thankful for on this day: A wonderful husband, the overly enthusiastic greeting I received from BOTH animals and a warm bed. Good night.

And the first thing I did when I got up in the morning was scrub the bottom of my shoes with Clorox disinfecting wipes.