Thursday, May 06, 2010

S.A.D

There's a saying in Chicago that goes, "If you want the weather to change, wait 5 minutes." Have you heard of it? Well I came up with a saying for Seattle that goes something like, "If you want the weather to change, wait 5 months."

Apparently I need to change that to 8 months.


It's no wonder I've finally hit my breaking point after 1.5 years.


Question is. What the fuck do I do from October to May???

I've been overcome with gray, I feel it in my chest, swirling in my head, pushing down on my shoulders. I wake up choking on it and I feel like I'm wearing a dark sheet over my face. When I finally sleep (which isn't much thanks to my stupid UV light) I dream in vibrant colors, blues and golds and sparkly colors that don't even seem to exist in this dimension. And I bask in these moments, I feel the warmth on my skin while in this dream state, then always, something dark takes over, whether it's a wave of sludgy mud that covers my entire body or I could be running on a warm white sand beach and then the ground in front of me opens up and swallows me alive filling up my nose with dark gray sand so I can't breathe and again I'm waking up gasping for air. In last night's dream, I had this colorful plushy towel covered in bright flowers that I snapped with my wrists to lay along the beach and actual glittery butterflies popped off and swirled around my head, landing in my hair. I saw their faces up close, they were tiny, like pixies but detailed with bright shiny blue eyes and white lashes. I see it so clearly and I may attempt to draw them because they are friendly and comforting when I revisit the image in my mind. I settle in on my towel and watch as the waves loll against the shore while the sand sparkles in the brightness of the sun. I tell myself to stay here, don't move, don't change one thing because I can't allow this scene to end. I just want to stay here as long as I can and enjoy the warmth, the sun, this life. And then, here it comes, black clouds over the water, hovering slowly at first and then spreading over the length of the horizon in no time. All at once, the sun is gone the winds pick up and the rain comes down like bullets on my bare skin and I grab my towel which is now soaking wet and heavy and try to run for cover. I have to leave the towel behind because it's too heavy and that makes me sad because moments ago it was full of color and vibrancy and as it drops to the wet sand it looks like a dead walrus, all dark and wet like a blob. I'm left to run alone in the cold rain in the dark until the waves finally catch up to me, knocking me down, filling my nostrils, my mouth and lungs til I can no longer breathe.

I don't want to wake up to this anymore.

4 comments:

Lizy said...

Like I said on Facebook... I feel your pain and I wish I could make it better.

Take a break and go visit your sister in So.Cal! You will feel so much better!!

Ps. I just googled this for you:
"The sunniest (but not hottest) city in the world is Honolulu in Hawaii"

oneandahalfcats said...

What amazing visualization Laura. Sounds like you could have been astral travelling and visited some amazing tropical paradise in some unknown world far beyond our own. It's great that you have these dreams, if anything for a much needed break now and then. :)

Just a thought but Vit D might help, or visiting bright indoor spaces with ultraviolet on those particularly gray days.

karen gerstenberger said...

I think your prayers were answered overnight. It's so beautiful today! XOXO

endswith8741 said...

Laura -- I know where you are. Not the weather so much, but how overwhelmingly hard things can feel. I am with you on this walk.