Wednesday, May 19, 2010

at war in my dreams

I should really just have a blog devoted to my f*cked up dreams so I can print them out, ship them to a therapist and say, "Deal with this!" I'm really messed up.

Anyway here was a dream from last night that I just need to get out of my head and move on so I can hopefully have a peaceful night's sleep.

Tom and I were cleaning our garage in our house in California. We were getting rid of sooo much stuff and the garage was stark white and empty. A car pulls up and 2 people come out (couldn't even tell if they were male or female) and they were carrying an envelope and a box. They ask for me, I say I'm here and they hand me the stuff and leave. I open the letter and it's orders to report to Iraq. I say to Tom, "Is this a JOKE?" He looks at me all serious and says, "No." In the box is my uniform and he tells me I need to put it on. I put it on in the garage and It's so heavy and bulky and weighs me down. I tell him I need to take it off he says I can't. I cry out, WHAT IS GOING ON? He just stares at me and says, I'm so sorry. Even writing it all out on here, makes me upset. Again, it was sooooo real.

The next thing I know people are driving up to our house one by one saying goodbye. I'm sitting in my empty garage in this wooden booth type thing, almost like a mini lemonade stand in my uniform while friends and family come up to tell me they love me and say goodbye. It was so surreal. I tell them, I AM NOT IN THE MILITARY! HOW AM I GOING TO FIGHT A WAR? And they all have no words, they just hold my hands and tell me they love me.

Then Tom says we have to go. A bus pulls up, he gets on it with me and I have NO luggage and we drive over all these high bridges til it gets dark. He tells me that a boat will pick me up and take me to Iraq and it will only be for ONE WEEK. I say REALLY?? Ok I can do that. He says just be careful. So I get off the bus and see the boat pull up but then my mom shows up (She did not come to the garage to say goodbye) and I run to her and say I don't want to go! She says it's only for a short time and if I follow the rules I will be back home safe. She says this to me but she is crying so hard and her face is so sad and she does not look good. I hold her hands and don't want to let go but the boat is honking a horn (like a car horn) for me to get on. I still hold my mom's hands and as I start to pull away the boat starts to leave. I try to run to catch it but my uniform is sooo heavy and is weighing me down. The captain on the boat shouts through a megaphone that I have to swim to the boat. I start to get into the water and it's sooo cold and since my uniform is so heavy I just sink and am trying so hard to swim but it's not happening. The captain throws me a rope and I grab onto it and finally heave my wet heavy body to the boat. Everyone on the boat looks at me like an alien and tell me the first thing that has to happen is that my hair needs to be cut. I'm soaking wet, cold and I'm told by this mean beefy woman to sit down as she takes out scissors. I'm trying so hard not to cry and be tough but I just kept thinking, HOW IS THIS HAPPENING? She cuts my hair to just below my ears and when I touch my hair I realize, this is really happening. This is not a dream.

It's so jumbly and I can't remember all the things in the right order but for my own purpose of purging this out of my system I will keep going. The next thing I remember after the hair cut was that we were shuffled to this dark room in the belly of the boat and told to sit and watch a video. The video was about the conditions in Iraq and what we would be facing. The first thing it showed were dogs mangled and dying on the streets. And how we would not be allowed to help them. We had to watch them suffer and couldn't even shoot them to put them out of their misery. We had to save our bullets for terrorists. The images on the video were so disturbing and I felt sick. I tried to reach for my cell phone and some other soldier saw me and grabbed it and threw it against the wall. I thought now my family will never know if I'm ok and a girl sitting next to me who looked about 15 years old said, It's ok you could use my phone. Then we were shuffled to cots to sleep for the night because by morning we would be in Iraq.

I didn't sleep (even in my dream) and thought about how the hell did my life end up like this. I thought about Tom, my animals, my family and friends and my comfortable home and all the things I took for granted and how I wished I could just close my eyes and go back. The boat stopped and jerked back and there was a lot of shouting and people running all over. It was still dark but we were told to jump off the boat which was a long way down to the sand and we would get supplies on the land. I jumped off the boat and since it was so dark no one could see me so I started to run away from the group. I ran and found what looked like an old deserted play ground and there was a low chain link fence sticking out of the ground and I sat down and leaned against the fence. I hear some noise rustling to the side and I look to see a big brown dog shuffling on broken and bloodied legs making its way over to me. It's face was mangled and raw but his eyes were expressive and trusting and he struggled to come to me. I moved towards him and when we were inches away he collapsed. It makes me choke up now because this was so sad and overpowering in my dream. I pet his head gently and he moves his eyes to look at me and I can see the whites of his eyes because he is straining to see me and he starts panting heavily while looking right at me. I just kept petting him and told him that I wouldn't leave him. He nudged my hand like Wrigs does when I stop petting him and I thought how all dogs just want to love and be loved no matter where they are and what life has shown them.

It's really foggy and hard to write out all the rest and now I'm getting tired and hoping that I will be able to sleep so I will sign off. But before I do, I will say a pray for all of our soldiers and anyone who is faced in a war situation, no matter what that war may signify.


ChiTown Girl said...

Oh my freakin' God! What the HELL did you eat before you went to bed?!

Since you're my friend "for real," this was kinda hard to read, because I know how hard it must have been for you to write. I can only imagine how upset you still are about it.

My totally UNprofessional analysis is that you still desperately miss CA, and feel like you had to abandon your life to move to Seattle. You miss your "normal" life, and your family and friends (especially me, right? ;-) )

The animal thing comes from your complete and utter love and devotion to ALL animals, not just your own. You can't bear to see them suffer, whether in your dreams or in real life.

The war aspect of it comes from you feeling like you're at war with your emotions. You love Tom more than anything in the world, and obviously are willing to make a lot of personal sacrifices for him and your marriage. But, at the same time, you have feelings of sadness and anger about all these changes that are out of your control. You're torn between your love for you husband, and your anger over having to give up your "happy life" because of his job. Even though you're hoping for this to just be temporary (like your dream's deployment) you are so caught up in the misery of the situation, that you feel like it'll never end.'d I do? I know, don't give up my day job, right? Love you, my tiny, little friend! I so wish I could jump on a plane to Seattle and give you a big, giant hug!!!

Smileygirl said...

Wow who needs therapy when you have ChiTown girl! You are a sweet friend, thank you for your insight and you may be right on all aspects.

I'm talking to a spiritual guide now and have been given some exercises to help with my internal struggles. We'll see where this goes but before I just start popping pills willy nilly I want to explore some holistic options.

Still can't get the images out of my mind about the animals on the video in my dream. I wish I could attribute these dreams to eating crazy foods or being drunk or stoned but they happen regardless of what I happen to indulge in before bedtime. Always makes for an unpredictable night's sleep!


ChiTown Girl said...

Ok, so I'm sitting here listening to the evening news, and there's yet ANOTHER story about the freakin' disaster caused by BP and their delightful oil spill, and it suddenly occurred to me that maybe that's playing a small part in your weird dream. The animals suffering in your dream could represent the animals in the ocean that are dying every minute that this disaster continues.

The story they just aired was about how the chemicals they're dumping into the ocean to take care of the oil is actually just as toxic to the sealife as the oil is. WTF??!!

Smileygirl said...

You definitely hit on something. been so consumed with this story and feel like when things of this magnitude happen, our world is slowly dying. So yeah I think this could have been represented in my crazy dream as well.

Anonymous said...

It seems like you have had posts recently on most of those things you had in your dream. The bad experience with the haircut, Tom being on a boat, and when you talk about the video you had to watch. That reminds me of the video you shot of the stray animals when you were traveling, was that in Spain?

Finding a correlation to something that actually occurred helps me a lot.

Smileygirl said...

Live: I never put the two together about the haircut I just had with my dream. That totally makes sense! And that video I made about the stray dogs and cats was from a trip to Santorini and Athens, Greece. That could be part of it as well but also there have been a couple horrific cases of animal abuse here in the local news and that shit stays with me long after I hear about it.

Kathleen said...

I know this is going to sound really weird but I think I commented before about my mom dying from cancer and the Cat Stevens song you posting helping me. I am so sorry you had this dream but my mom has since passed and what you described in this dream kind of is what I feel like she felt about getting diagnosed and dying, especially the first part when you are looking for reassurance from your family memebers and friends and all they can do is cry and be sad when they have to say good-bye to you. I'ms ure this probably makes no sense but reading about your dream was kind of cathartic to me, too. I hope you are getting some better sleep now.