Tuesday, March 03, 2009

A surprise colonic (last update I promise)

Just came back from the store. My purchases:

Pedialyte and Gatorade, Box of Rice, Applesauce, Pepto Bismol and a box of Ginger Aid (healthy digestion tea). As I was checking out, I thought, why don't I just wear a sign on my back that says: YES, I am trying to combat FLAMING DIARRHEA. I contemplated the box of Depends but realized I may want to show my face in this store again so I decided no.
Oh and on my way out, I bought 2 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, Thin Mints and Shortbreads, which will probably put me back in "the office" in no time. I already ate 3 on the ride home. I am STARVING!!! I think we need to move into this house. I've been playing phone tag with Tom so I sent him a text message that said, "Call my cell. At store. Bottom is bleeding. What 4 dinner?"

Haven't heard back from him yet...
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I just woke up on the bedroom floor. Surrounded by animals. Remember this pic from last week:


Insert my body for Chum's bear and that is the scene. I still feel like crap and am moving very slow. Will attempt to drive to the corner store and get some gatorade or pedialyte as suggested by my girlfriend but still not sure I can leave the house just yet.

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You know how sometimes you go into a public restroom like in an airport or shopping mall, and you see shit splattered all over the toilet and sometimes on the rim and you think, "How in the hell could THAT have happened???" Well, order up a Skinny Mocha and wait 20 minutes. OH. MY. GOD. This has been way worse than my McDonald's Iced Coffee experience. I am physically exhausted right now and am in serious need of ointment.

Anyway, that was not my intention with this post but every time I start to write I am "unexpectedly interrupted." And I'm sure that it's going to happen again because the rumbling hasn't stopped so when it does I will just excuse myself and come back. And here we go again...

I can't even get through a sentence???? I started this post almost an hour ago and I can't even type out a sentence!!! My palms are sweaty and my knees shaky. ENOUGH already!!

Ok this is just pointless. I will have to update later. Now it's like I'm turning on a faucet in there. Straight water. I know this is thoroughly disgusting and I'll probably take this down but I'm so mad at my insides right now so I'm leaving it up for now.

What a splendid way to spend a sunny afternoon.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Maybe you are lactose intolerant. Was the onset of the erruption pretty instantaneous after drinking the substance known as Starbucks? I'd complain to them. You might get free Starbucks for life.

ChiTown Girl said...

OMG, you poor baby!! You just don't seem to have any luck with any coffee drink that sounds remotely yummy, do you? Sometimes, I wish I had the same reaction, though, cuz I could use a good colon cleanse.

Bon Don said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bon Don said...

A Skinny Mocha or Drinking for an entire day could do that too you! I didn't come to work for that exact reason yesterday!

karengberger said...

Ah, yes, the McDonald's latte days. I recall it was then that I first started laughing out loud at your writing, and knew we could be friends...
Do you think it could have been the Kung Pao?
I know what you mean about public toilets. Funny to think that people PAY for colonics, but when you get one as a freebie, it's not so welcome. ("Why is that?" --say that like Kip in Napoleon Dynamite).

endswith8741 said...

That delightful drive from Chicago to Minneapolis just creeped into my head after reading this. When you and JB ate licorice, and we invented the phrase Big Ben. Yuck.

Hope your tummy's feeling better.

Valerie said...

I hope you're feeling better!!! What an awful way to spend an afternoon.

Anonymous said...

Ok no more updates PLEEZ!! you are going to make my shit my pants from laughing so hard! I'm sorry you are going through this but this is very funny for the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

Have Tom get you some Imodium--the liquid stuff. It has a weird taste, but it works. I think it has super glue in it--it has saved me several times. Don't take too much, or you might need prune juice in a couple days! You can almost feel that stuff stopping the spasms that are going on internally. On another note, I'm so glad that Chum is enjoying life again! And, one more thing, how do you keep you house so immaculate? My Max's hair/fur is all over in a matter of hours--tomorrow he's going to the beauty parlor, so that should help for awhile. Do you brush him daily--do you use a Furminator? I know your Roomba can't keep up with Golden hair. I also love the toot commercial--you can see him clenching! And I just saw the Comcast commercial. Ramblings from TOFLW1GA7C Hope you are feeling better.

Gina said...

you poor thing!!

look at the bright side.... you got some quality cuddle time in w/ the four legged friends :)

Anonymous said...

I have seen silicone cutting boards that say "vegetables", "meat" etc. at Walmart I think? Good luck with the big D! Let us know what worked!

L in AK

Anonymous said...

Here's the link for some cutting boards:

http://www.organizedliving.com/product/code/3425500702.do

L in AK

Michelle said...

Yikes!!
Feel better, Laura!
I know how horrible you have to feel. This was me one day last week.

Live For Today said...

I'm so glad we can talk about pooh on our blogs...:) licorice = very bad!!!

K@tie said...

Have you ever had the Co-lite stuff they make you drink before surgery? That experience sounds what like what you are going through...I am deeply sorry for you and will pray for your speedy recovery.

Smileygirl said...

Never really had a problem with lactose, so I think what caused yesterday's event was the sugar free chocolate syrup in the mocha. I must have had some type of allergic stomach reaction because as I so publicly proclaim on here, I do have digestive issues, but I have NEVER had it that bad before. I feel much better today though certain parts are still sore...

I haven't heard of the Co-lite stuff and from what it sounds like I hope I never have to experience it! Esp before a surgery? Yikes.

As for my clean house??? Well you just can't see the fur (and mess) everywhere. We can't use the roomba here cuz of the lay out and we have a lot of rugs and carpeting so I have to vacuum quite a bit. We have a furminator for Wrigs but don't really use it all that much. We use just a straight wire comb about once a week, which seems to cut through his fur pretty well and pick up his loose ends. I know I should probably do that more often. Since I am thinking of it now I will do it!

And thanks L for the cutting board link!