Our next house...

...will have no windows.

This poor little soul hit the window while Wrigs and I were out walking. If I had been home, I could have kept him warm and maybe there would have been a chance he would have been ok. This is just hard to see and it's happening too often. I don't want to live in this bird-killing house anymore. Burial number 3.

I can't end on something sad so I'll let you all know that as I'm typing this the sun is beaming into my eyes through one of the bird killing windows. It's nice and I may just go blind as it pierces through my retinas like hot lava but boy does it ever feel good. Oh how I've missed you sun. Please stay for a few more months ok?

Btw, I am eating some cheese and crackers and all of the sudden I get this feeling I'm being watched. Chum and Wrigs are off doing their own thing so who can it be?


Seriously how creepy is this? Can you see his cheese face looking right back at me?

Reminds me of this one hit wonder, though my lyrics would be: "I always feel like, my cheese ball's watching me."

Ok I'm still sad about the bird. If we owned this house and weren't leaving in a few months I would have blinds or curtains installed on every window and keep them shut, (only allowing a beam shot of sun to peek through on the sunny days). I'm going to see if the owners will do something about this even after we leave. I can't help but thinking that this was the momma bird in search of worms for her crying babies, now left motherless, cold and starving in their exposed nest, awaiting their fateful doom.

I need to stop watching Lifetime Movie Network.

Who does Depression Hurt?

Everyone.

Including the Dog.

Poor Wrigs is miserable. He refuses to go outside unless I walk/drag him which is not a very good idea considering how slick it is from this nonstop rain. He misses going to the park, chasing his balls and romping around in the dry grass with his pals. And sure as sh*t,
So. Do. I.

But it makes me more upset to see him sad.


He just sits by the window and watches the rain...


I walked away from the computer for a while and when I came back this was playing. Looks like Wrigs needs the silly pills too.

Sweet Aunt Janie

passed away this morning.

Aunt Janie

1927-2008

This is a very difficult time for my mom, as this was her last remaining immediate family member. Up until a few months ago my aunt was very active and just recently things took a tragic turn. Too much suffering, too much pain. She is now at peace and my mom was by her side.

My Aunt Janie was so much fun and was such an animal lover. I just realized I posted a little story about her back in May, a few months before she had fallen ill.

I'm going to miss her very much. I still have the nightgown she gave me when I was 10, on one of my visits to her house. She let me borrow it and I felt so grown up that she insisted I keep it. I'll have it forever.

Here come more tears...

In the Pit

It's official. I've let myself go.

For a couple hours this morning I was hatless and Tom saw the top of my head.

He looks at my hair then says, "When was the last time you colored your hair?"

I say: "I think it was September, or maybe August. Can't remember."

Tom: Are you going to do it again soon?

me: Why? You don't like my steel wool colored roots?

Tom: (as he inspects the top of my scalp) I think you should make an appt. and have it done professionally.

me: I think I'll just do it myself and color it black.

Tom: Do whatever you want. I have no say in anything.

me: Have you even noticed that I've gained 6 pounds in the last month??

(no comment from Tom)

Smart man.

Am I purposely trying to make myself appear more unattractive or do I just not give a damn anymore?

I think this is what the medical folk would call Depression.

Little Bird died.

I was checking on him through the night and he seemed to be doing better. He was moving his head and both eyes had opened. I was so hopeful and Tom was too. Then the last time I checked him, he wasn't alive. It was really sad, even Tom felt bad and let me have a good cry. He buried him in the yard this morning. I'm so sorry I couldn't help this sweet innocent bird.

Misery probably doesn't love company

I'm trying to get back the reason I started this blog which was to Live Happy. But it's been a struggle. I reread some posts from this time last year and the person writing back then seems so foreign to me now. I have become someone else who I don't like very much. This isn't me and this isn't who I want to be. I am taking steps to try and get those happy feelings back so I thought I'd put some happy flowers up on here and go back to the old name. We ordered a sun light last night and I've got a call into a psychiatrist. I'm heading into a downward spiral that I'm not able to get myself out of without some help. I've been feeling like this since that fateful day in May when we found out about moving away. I anticipated this depression for months now, but anticipating and actually living in it are very different. The last time I felt this miserable was June 10, 2006 the day my Dad died.

In an effort to try and be happy I am only going to post positive things on this blog and I've moved "Where's the Sun" to a new place where I can unload my negativity and misery. I'll link it in the side bar so for those of you who want to check in and witness all the shit that is stockpiling inside of me, feel free. But for those of you who don't or will be offended by all the bitching and moaning then it's probably not a good idea to visit. I'm not censoring a bit. It's raw, it's real and it's what I feel and need to get it out before I go off the deep end. My goal is try to and post 1 for 1, so everytime I spew out negativity I have to balance it with something positive (as suggested by a caring friend) so that is what I will do. Or try to at least.

So here goes something positive. This morning while watching the Today show I laughed at Matt Lauer's halloween costume. He was an egg: Humpty Dumpty.

Depressing

Above is the American Heritage Dictionary's definition of Depressing. They could not be more accurate. So what's the definition for "10 days of rainy depressing weather?"

And of course I have to torture myself and check the forecast back home.

My friend sent me this link highlighting point #2.

And it's true. I will never, ever understand.

I told Tom that companies who relocate people out here should provide them with a welcome packet containing the name of a therapist and a bottle of prozac. Or a noose. Not sure which one I'd opt for right now.

=(

I want my meat and potatoes...

NOW!

When talking with people who have lived here for a while there is a common theme. Everyone says, "Just wait til July when it really warms up. It stays warm through September!" When I do the math, that's only 3 months of warmth. Now I understand the cold rainy weather that is upon us for the next several months will definitely make me appreciate those 3 months of warmth, but why wait when one could have that 365 days a year!?!? I'm just starting to freak out a bit because I'm really cold all the time and I don't think I'm going to last until July.

To me that's like sticking a nice juicy plate of succulent prime rib with garlic mashed potatoes in front of someone and saying, "Just wait til next Spring to take a bite."


Maybe I should become a Vegetarian. I have a feeling I'm going to be a vegetable for the next 9 months anyway, so what the hell.

An adjustment for all

Is it 9:30 at night or in the morning? I can't f*cking tell.

It's seriously dark, like night time. If I were a bat, this would be glorious.

It's so dark, that I mistook a prescription codeine for my daily vitamin this morning. Woopsie. It's not all bad.

Something is leaking as I type. It could be our washing machine. We just finally got the pipe fixed. It was leaking when we tried to connect the washer. It's now supposed to be fixed but I hear water dripping. Actually it's more like a lightly running faucet. We have no dryer because our dryer is gas and this house has no gas line. So I am currently washing a load of towels and have no idea what the hell I'm going to do to dry them. Can't exactly hang them outside like I used to do back home.

We also have no microwave. I should rephrase that. We have no working microwave. The microwave here is just for looks. I thought the owner of the house was kidding when she told us that. Only the "popcorn" button works. Living without a microwave and a dryer is a royal pain in the ass.

The one I really feel badly for is Wrigley. Due to space constraints the poor guy eats and drinks right next to Chumley's shit box. I couldn't imagine eating my breakfast in the bathroom next to Tom while he's on the crapper. I wish there was some other place I could move his bowls. It's also been a challenge letting Wrigley outside to do his business. The area he has to poop and pee is very small and what has happened on more than one occasion is that he ends up back stepping into his poop and then rushes back into the house smearing it all over the floor and furniture. I went completely ape shit on him and I feel bad because I know it's not his fault but I just really miss the way things used to be.

Some lifestyle adjustments I've made since living here:

I shower about every other day (give or take a day). And I wash my hair twice a week. Our house is way too cold to bathe anymore than that. And shaving my legs is now a thing of the past.

I drink roughly the same amount, I just start earlier in the day. But I end up going to bed earlier so it's not like I'm drinking a whole lot more than I used to.

I wear a hat and scarf at all times in and out of this house. The heat runs constantly but it doesn't seem to warm up at all.

I don't go outside when it's drizzling. I'm already starting to feel like a hermit.

Our neighborhood is really cute, big huge trees, the lake or sound or bay or whatever it's called is just a few blocks away. My sister and I walked around town quite a bit and got lost. We ended up in a not so desirable area. When we finally got out of there and realized where we were, there was my house, just one street away from where that area starts. We will be activating our alarm system this week.

I feel so completely out of my element.

We have arrived...

And I must say, Seattle is awesome.

I LOVE living in a city environment again. I certainly have missed that. We have walked EVERYWHERE in the last 2 days. Found an amazing Crepe place just up the street, several coffee shops (shocker) and some fun pubs and nighttime spots. There's so much to see and do and I do love that.

But I miss the people I want to be doing it with.

And I really do miss the sun.

I saw it for about 15 minutes today.

Then, clouds.

And then more rain. And a few tears.

It's an adjustment I know. I can't compare it to where we've been. But when the sun is out, I'm happy and I feel great and I think No Big DEAL! I could live here forever!! Then, when it goes away...

I become a royal bitch.

I'm sorry Tom. I snapped at you quite a bit today. It's not your fault, I don't mean to take it out on you. I know I need to work on this and I will get help I promise. Just PLEASE don't take it personally.

My sister arrives tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to that. I think she'll love it here, she says she loves clouds and fall like weather. I wish I could say the same.

But I'll learn to get by on those 15 minutes of sun.

Come out sun, come out today.
Come and let me see your rays.
I miss you so! I miss you much!
Please sun, won't you stay in touch!?!?!

That is my daily sun chant. Let's hope it works.

from the La Quinta Inn, Redding CA

I was going to keep this upbeat then, but it's just too hard to fake it right now.

The last few days have been rough. Can't even express it all through words.

My sister decided to fly up on Monday and spend the week with me. I need her there. It gives me something to look forward to. We have been texting back and forth most of the road trip today and were discussing all the things we'll do. Most everything would be outdoors. Now that we're all settled in the hotel room I decided to check the weather and let her know what to pack.

I did NOT expect this.

I feel awful and don't want to subject her to this, especially when it's her first time visiting.

Especially when we just left this. (for the record, last time S. Cal had any rainfall was May 24th and I recall how much of a grump ass I was that day. Tom will attest to this as well.)

I know I'm not even there yet but I can say with a bit of certainty, I don't think I'm going to last very long.

And it's probably time to change the name of this blog.

today's update

*update* Chumley just shit and threw up all over the bathroom floor, next to his litter box. My heart breaks for him because I know EXACTLY how he feels. I wish I could explain to him that he won't be left behind. Poor little stressed out monster. I'm going to cuddle him a while.

Well at least last night I got 2 hours of sleep.

I am still a wreck. Can't stop crying. My sister is on her way over in a bit. Her husband is home from the hospital, will be ok, just taking it easy. Thank you for your prayers. She's bringing me some Xanax. I need it because I got so mad today (at something unrelated to move stress) and I punched the bathroom counter top and I cracked something in my hand. This is the same hand I used to beat the shit out of my computer a few weeks ago and its never been the same since.

Movers are here again today and tomorrow. That translates to, we have too much shit. I'm overwhelmed. And to think we will be doing this same thing again in 6 months makes me want to set everything on fire.

Tom comes home tonight and I really wish he would have been here the last 2 nights. Would have nice to be together during this time and have him here to pick me up when I fall. (I mean this literally as well, I tripped and fell over packing materials and had a melt down.) I'm really a mess right now.

Today the movers told me they couldn't take our plants on the truck and I broke down again. 2 of the plants have VERY sentimental value to me, one was a gift from my mother in law after my Dad died and this plant has been growing non stop and I feel my Dad's spirit whenever I look at it. I will end up carrying this on my lap in the mini van. I can't part with it.

The animals have been scared/worried. They don't understand. Chum's infection is back so we're starting him on meds today and will continue with them for 10 days. What fun that will be to give a screaming, hissing, biting cat oral syringe meds on the freeway in a moving mini van.

There is sooooooo much more I want to say just to clear my fuzzy head but I can't because my mind is mush. Oh I will say that this morning I had a McDonald's iced coffee. And guess where I am right now??? Hence the time I have to blog. What really sucks is that there are 4 men in my house right now, each one in close proximity to the bathroom so they all know what's going on. This is my 3rd trip to the "office".

Someone wake me when this is over.

I should be more upset that...

-We will miss the cut off to register to vote in the state of Washington by ONE DAY. So now I am doing a vote by mail ballot (previously known as absentee ballot) for the state of California. Thing is, I can't let the state know that we're moving out of state. I need the ballot sent to our new home in Seattle but obviously that will raise red flags. This is tricky and this is what I'm trying to figure out right now in the midst of packing/cleaning. And OF COURSE, my printer doesn't want to cooperate so I can't print out the applications!

-Tom will be on a golf trip Monday and Tuesday, the days the movers will be here to pack up our house. Yes, the timing of this sucks (it's a trip he had planned months ago) but I've done this before without him here so I'll just f*cking do it again.

-We have been waiting for a refund check from Audi for over a month now and still nothing. It's over $4000 and believe me, we could use this money! Last year Tom's timing belt blew (on the freeway) and it was right after his car was serviced by Audi. Then a few months ago we get a letter in the mail saying that we will be refunded the money. Why do I think it will show up the day we move? I'm going to see if our neighbors will take in whatever mail doesn't get forwarded on. In fact, I should make a set of labels and have forwarding envelopes ready. I'll do that now. Oh F*CK the printer!!!

-About a week ago we ordered the Peticure online (thanks to another late night informercial) and after the fact, realized we should have had this sent to our new address. I'm sure this will show up the same day as the refund check.

I hope eventually my head pops out of my ass.

Until then, I'm going to enjoy my Saturday morning ritual of listening to Car Talk while sipping my last Green Tea Latte. I'm officially out of the mix.

Holy Crap I just heard Paul Newman died. Wow, this is so sad.

And now...

We have ants.

(inside the house, covering our kitchen counters)

Can't understand why the offers aren't rolling in?!? I thought for sure we'd be in the midst of a bidding war by now.

Maybe I should dust.

I feel like I'm living in a dream sequence. Can't really explain it. Been feeling this way for the last couple weeks. It's so surreal, everything I do, even walking to the mailbox. I'm definitely not present and I should be.

I need to find a way to wake up.

My family and I are heading out tonight to our favorite Indian restaurant for the last time. I'm looking forward to it but am already anticipating the sadness. Can't think about that now otherwise I'm useless for a good while and I am so pressed for time. I don't think we are going to be ready to leave on Wednesday. We need another day.

Just one more day.