The 17 year ick!

I'm over 2000 miles away from these hideous rat bastards but they still manage to scare the bejesus outta me. I remember this time 17 years ago back in the north shore of Chicago, like it was yesterday. What an awful time that was. Our neighborhood was filled with thousands of old gigantic trees and when the sun would go down the cicadas would emerge from the ground and literally cover the lawns. They looked like flattened tootsie rolls wiggling and buzzing about. YECH! The mere memory of this makes the hair on my neck stand straight up! Then they would scurry their way up the tree trunks and settle into the branches and leaves doing whatever it is these beasts do every 17 years. One time one of them got into my car and thankfully I noticed it before I left the neighborhood because I jumped out right then and there, keys in ignition - door wide open, in the middle of the street, then ran, screaming like a bat outta hell, straight into my neighbors house. I wouldn't have cared if someone stole the car as long as that damn cicada went along with it.

Another time one landed in my hair while I was walking to my car and I fricking went ape shit. I ran all around the front yard bashing my head into the ground hoping it would fall out while spewing out all sorts of profanities. The neighbors were just as freaked out about the locusts as I was (as well as my mom and sister) so it was not out of the ordinary to see this happen to others on our street. It was almost a daily occurrence to hear someone scream out in horror and/or yell out random swear words. We all knew it was because of "them".

Then there was another time when one got into the house. I was upstairs and I heard my mom scream the most awful, blood curdling shrill from the kitchen. I went numb because I knew it was going to be bad. I secretly hoped that perhaps an armed intruder had entered our home but as soon as I went downstairs I knew we were not so lucky. There was my mom, shaking and yelling at the black beast as big as a fun sized Snickers bar with red eyes. Yes, he had bulging red eyes. She had grabbed a broom and was holding it in an attack position and just kept screaming, "What do we do? What do we do? What do we doooooooooooo?" I was no help in the matter; I just stood there screaming "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!" We stayed this way for several minutes, screaming and shaking, but not taking our eyes off the enemy. We finally managed to tag team him and decided to shoo him out through the dining room with the broom. We took turns shooing with the broom and from start to finish the entire process probably took us close to a half hour. I just remember being drenched in sweat afterwards and we both didn't stop shaking for the rest of the night. I think I even slept in ear muffs that night (actually I don't think I slept at all) and we were both on high alert always scanning the rooms for others who may have invaded our home. It was like a real life horror movie.

Which brings me to last night's dream:
In my dream I was actually sleeping in my bedroom in our current house and awoke in the middle of the night because I was starving. I head downstairs into the kitchen to make myself a peanut butter sandwich. I didn't turn on the lights so all this was being done in the dark although there was sort of an eerie gray film of haze that illuminated the kitchen. I start spreading the peanut butter onto the bread and it's sort of hard to spread and I remember thinking to myself, "That's weird, we don't have chunky peanut butter". So I struggle through the spreading process, fold up the sandwich and take a big bite. It tastes awful but I'm soooo hungry that I continue to eat. (Now in my dream state I really think I can taste whatever it is I'm eating and I'm probably gagging in my sleep because it tastes soooo rancid.) I'm about half way done with the sandwich and I think maybe this peanut butter has expired so I flip on the lights to check the date of the jar and I look...the inside of the jar is riddled with squirming CICADAS!!!!!!!!!!! I start foaming at the mouth, spitting out bits of the sandwich, trying to make myself vomit and then I look at the rest of the sandwich and there are moving tentacles and blinking red eyes staring back at me!! I scream and throw my sandwich straight through the kitchen window (which breaks into a million pieces) and then grab for the phone and call Tom. (Even though it's in the middle of the night, he's still at the office??) Through screams I tell him what just happened and I tell him that he must come home right now, we have to get the cicadas that I ate out of my stomach and he tells me that he can't leave because he still has some putting to do!!!!! Ok, I'm starting to sweat even as I type this, just reliving this damn dream. Deep breaths.

Ok...so after I scream some more at Tom and tell him that he has to come home NOW the doorbell rings. I run to the door and it's my dentist from Chicago. He tells me that my caps weren't put in right and says they need to be taken out immediately. I tell him fine, take them out which he starts doing right then and there in my foyer. OMG this is so weird even as I type this. So now I am toothless and bloody and then I taste the cicadas that I ate in my sandwich and my stomach starts to gurgle and I throw up on the spot. It was like coffee grounds with all sorts of insect body parts. Sorry to be so graphic, I'm just typing this all from memory of the dream. I didn't intend for this post to be this long either so I'll spare you all the gory finale of the dream and stop right here.