Friday, October 31, 2008

Misery probably doesn't love company

I'm trying to get back the reason I started this blog which was to Live Happy. But it's been a struggle. I reread some posts from this time last year and the person writing back then seems so foreign to me now. I have become someone else who I don't like very much. This isn't me and this isn't who I want to be. I am taking steps to try and get those happy feelings back so I thought I'd put some happy flowers up on here and go back to the old name. We ordered a sun light last night and I've got a call into a psychiatrist. I'm heading into a downward spiral that I'm not able to get myself out of without some help. I've been feeling like this since that fateful day in May when we found out about moving away. I anticipated this depression for months now, but anticipating and actually living in it are very different. The last time I felt this miserable was June 10, 2006 the day my Dad died.

In an effort to try and be happy I am only going to post positive things on this blog and I've moved "Where's the Sun" to a new place where I can unload my negativity and misery. I'll link it in the side bar so for those of you who want to check in and witness all the shit that is stockpiling inside of me, feel free. But for those of you who don't or will be offended by all the bitching and moaning then it's probably not a good idea to visit. I'm not censoring a bit. It's raw, it's real and it's what I feel and need to get it out before I go off the deep end. My goal is try to and post 1 for 1, so everytime I spew out negativity I have to balance it with something positive (as suggested by a caring friend) so that is what I will do. Or try to at least.

So here goes something positive. This morning while watching the Today show I laughed at Matt Lauer's halloween costume. He was an egg: Humpty Dumpty.


McNattums said...

I recently started a job where I would need to get up much earlier so I got an alarm clock tha mocks the sunrise so that you wake up more naturally and easily. I really do think that it changes my mood. One morning I used my old cell phone alarm and I the rest of the day I just didn't feel right.

Lauren said...

Good for you for keeping it real, Laura. It's not good to keep negative feelings inside, and it's also not good to pretend to be happy. Do whatever works best for you. I do think positive thinking should help--something I could do a lot more of, too.

karengberger said...

I say, It's YOUR blob, and you should do exactly as you wish with it. I tell those who try to edit mine, "Get your own blog."
You are precious and your feelings are important, however and wherever you choose to express them. Do it your way, and God bless you!

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh GREAT!! One MORE blog (or blob! Karen, you're so silly!) I have to check everyday!!

Girl, you know I'm just teasing. Do whatever it is you need to do to make YOU feel better. If you need to bitch, moan, vent, scream, whatever, do it! Hell, call me, and scream into the phone!! I guarantee that for every item you bitch about, I can match you with an item about the Hell-Hole to bitch about! haha! Just remember, I love you!!!! There, doesn't that make you feel better already? ;-)

Clippy Mat said...

good for you. i'm going to read 'em both because i like your honesty and your approach and just about everything you write.

i think a double edged blog is a great idea.

i laughed at matt lauer this a.m. too. i saw him in NY once and told him he was 'gorgeous'. and he blushed. how cute is that?

keep smiling, you'll get there.
'this too shall pass.

BusyBeeSuz said...

I am with you my can get through all the crud.
really. you can. take care,

Gina said...

sending happy happy thoughts your way!!

Smileygirl said...

mcnattums: I've heard about those naturally rising alarm clocks. Seen them in the sun box catalog and thought about that as well. Our bedroom is like a cave, it's very dark, so I think that may actually help.

thanks you guys for your understanding and always being so supportive. I wish you could all pop right out of this computer and come over for some wine and conversation. Oh wait, Karen can! And I'm lucky enough to see her again today.

I like the idea of a double edged blog Clippy. I have a feeling mine will be just that. It will probably sound like I have split personalities which I'm starting to wonder about. Tom's convinced I do because I morph into someone else when it's cloudy. Even back in California during June Gloom, where for about 3 weeks in June there is cloud cover til about noon, HOLY CRAP! look out. I was a raging bitch during that time. Why is that? Maybe I am a reverse vampire. Who the heck knows.

Laurie Keller said...

I, too, like the way you write and will continue to read whatever you put out here. It's good to have a plan, take steps, and find ways to change things you are wigging out about. You wouldn't be doing any of us a bit of good if you tried to pretend everything was great. I hate that shit! And I'm sending love from my prairie. xoxo.

rebeccacdm said...

Awww, I don't know you personally, but I found your blog through Pretty in the City. I have been lurking for at least a year. I immediately loved it and I felt so bad for you having to move to Seattle. It IS beautiful there, but OH THE RAIN! I am here in the OC, and I can't imagine. it rained for two weeks 7 years ago and I still haven't recovered, so I feel your pain.

I just wanted to give you a word of encouragement in the psychiatry department. I have always been a pretty happy person, but sometimes life is just freaking hard. I don't know if you have taken anything before, but based on your writing, I can only imagine it will help enormously. I started taking antidepressants about 18 months ago and they have been nothing short of miraculous. You saying that you are trying to be happy... I just feel for you, because I have felt the exact same way. The ADs will help. I send you love and hope that they will help you as much as they have helped me.

Live For Today said...

From another sun lover/winter hater to another, I'm right there with you. If you feel the light box helps I will be ordering one as well. And of course I will be reading both blogs, what happened to the PMS blog?

I love the flowers btw.

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

I can relate to this much more than you know. Even though I haven't had the move (or the change in weather!), I do struggle with depression and have for a long time. I think depression hits those of us who are naturally happy much harder, too....

Anyway, my point is... keep moving FORWARD (and you ARE!!!) Each day is a NEW day, with new potential. Don't ever forget that! Even if every day last week was crappy, tomorrow is a FRESH START.

Keep your chin UP! Be like a flower and angle yourself towards the Light Source (and yes, I am using that as a double meaning...)

If you ever want to chat offline about stuff, just let me know. I really do know what you mean about going back and reading my blog a year ago and saying "Who is the perky person who wrote THIS stuff?!"

Things will look up.... you're just in a temporary (KEY WORD) valley...

Lizzy said...


You don't know me but I came across your blog when I was searching for advice on moving and the feelings pertaining to it. Your blog hits home so much and I love your honesty! I have lived in Chicago all my life and my fiance has taken a job which requires us to move to Florida for a long while. We found this out in April and my feelings have been the same as yours since then. Scared, worried, sad, etc. I never pictured leaving my family or all of my friends from childhood and college. It's been a tough road but you'll get through it and so will I! I so feel you though and thanks for writing bc it lets me know I'm not alone with these feelings which seem uncontrollable. I love reading your blog and keep your chin up :o)

Peter said...

Hi, remember me, your Chicago friend who hasn't updated his blog in almost a year? Yeah, lame huh?

Anyway, I had this epiphany a few years back. Remember I moved from Chicago to California? I was unemployed and trying to figure out the purpose of my life?

So the epiphany: I realized I had moved, as a one-time New Yorker transplanted in the midwest, and now on the rim of the Pacific Ocean, I had moved, inch by inch, all the way to the edge of the earth. I lived inside my own head (by choice), and I wasn't sure I was happy.

So what did I figure out? Happiness is a decision. I had to decide that, whatever kind of crap life was serving up to me, I had decided that, everyday when I woke up, I loved my life and wanted to find myself being happy in it. Until I made that decision, nothing outside of myself was going to put me in a better place.

Hope this little "Dr. Phil Moment" helps!