(I've been compiling this list for several years and I'm constantly adding to it. Here are some that are safe for this blog, and a few of these happened before I was married...)
1) For those in the midwest - Cub Foods does not bag your groceries. So don’t stand there for 15 minutes like a prima donna "tsk-ing" impatiently waiting for someone to put all your food away.
2) Don’t attempt to pluck your eyebrows while driving on the crowded LA freeways. Off peak times would be better, but it’s really probably best to wait until you’re on residential roadways at a much lower speed limit provided there aren't any speed bumps.
3) Never set computer passwords after a couple glasses (or a bottle) of wine. You think you’re being clever by naming your Internet Banking password “room is spinning” or “pee in my pants” but inevitably you’re going to forget this password and have to face the humiliation of contacting a live banking representative so they can reset your password when you are unable to access your account.
4) Always remove high heels before trying on clothes in a dressing room. It's really difficult to balance on one leg in a tiny stiletto heel. I’m not really sure what’s worse, being in your own private dressing room and bashing your forehead into the large mirror monitored by store personnel or being in one of those enormous cafeteria sized dressing rooms alongside 20 other half naked bodies then losing your balance and having to grab onto someone else to prevent a painful and embarrassing fall.
5) When traveling in an airplane do NOT double (or triple) up on a dose of Airbone tablets thinking it will work twice as hard at repelling germs and sickness around you. Your body will not be able to process the excess Vitamin C and you'll spend the duration of the flight in the tea cup sized bathroom with the most violent bout of diarrhea you've ever had in your life.
6) Never run down the hallway with a box of kitty litter that is full of cat poop. Obviously the cat freaks out and chases after you, wondering, “What the hell is she doing with my toilet” and will zoom in and out of your legs, consequently tripping you and sending you crashing to the floor, face planting yourself right into the shit box.
7) Never tell your do-it-your-selfer husband that you’ll just sit in the car and wait while he runs in for a couple things at Home Depot. Unless, you have enough food for two meals, a fully charged I-pod, plenty of liquids and a steamy romance novel. Otherwise, be prepared to be extremely bored, then annoyingly irritated at the multiple people parked next to you who enter and exit with just a small bag of purchases while you sit and stew in the hot sun. AND! Do not attempt to find said husband in the store because of course he will be in plumbing fixtures while you’re searching feverishly in lawn and garden and could potentially spend the next 2 hours of your life zig zagging around the entire store without ever making contact.
8) When moving into a new neighborhood, it is best not to meet your new neighbors and families after a few cocktails. Sometimes you may not hear what you think you’ve heard and this could create an uncomfortable situation. Like for example if a mother is introducing her son who is “autistic” and your drunk ass hears “artistic” a response such as “AWESOME!!” is typically not welcome.
9) Always carry feminine products in a purse or hand bag in an office setting when heading to the bathroom. Never think you are being clever by hiding a super tampon in your sleeve and then heading to the women’s restroom unnoticed. You never know if you’re going to bump into someone like the CEO of your corporation who is visiting from London and will suddenly be forced to make an introduction and as you reach to shake his hand, the white cigar slowly slides out from under your sleeve, gently resting between your thumb and your red faced CEO’s thumb, thus creating an incredibly awkward, albeit memorable first impression.
10) Never leave voice mail messages while in a public work environment for your sick cat who hasn’t pooped in 3 days. It is best to leave those messages when you are safely behind closed doors so no one, like you’re visiting CEO, will come up behind you as you’re squawking into the phone, “Did you poopy poopy yet today my big boy?”
11) Make sure to set an alarm if, while coloring your hair at home, you decide to take a quick 5 minute cat nap. Sometimes our internal clocks are never as good as the real thing, unless of course you like orange roots with yellow streaks and hair that feels like a Brillo pad for the next 6-9 months.
12) While it’s good to be friendly and kind to others, it’s probably not a good idea to spend too much time chatting with the overly chatty Wal-mart greeter, unless you enjoy being followed around the store for the duration of your shopping excursion and being asked questions like, “Can I come to your house and see your refrigerator?” or “Do you like cheese? I DO!” You don’t want to appear rude and tell them to leave you alone so you continue to answer a barrage of questions, none of which have anything to do with the previous question and before you know it, an hour has passed, you’ve only got a 12 pack of toilet paper in your cart and you’ve basically told this complete stranger your innermost thoughts on vacuuming, hammer-head sharks and circus peanuts.
13) Don’t mix alcohol, antibiotics, codeine and a video camera. You may end up forgetting something rather unpleasant you said about one of your friends and then showing him or her the videotape at a later date. Even if it is 12 hours after it happened.
14) Never, ever, ever attempt to operate a riding lawn mower for the first time without your husband present. Especially when you have a gigantic hole in your front yard from a tree trunk that had to be removed because of an insect infestation. You may end up getting the hell on wheels stuck in the hole and although quite entertaining for neighbors and speed walkers, it is a very traumatic and humiliating experience that could result in missing limbs.
15) For those on the east and mid west - It is ok to take a break from the summer sun when it’s locust season, after all it is only every 17 years! So, don’t attempt to brave the flying beasts and try to lay out in the sunshine. You will only be smacked in the face, chest, stomach, or thighs by these enormous buzzing tootsie rolls which will cause you to convulse uncontrollably and shout out obscenities while trying to rid these critters off of your body as if impersonating an ancient tribal rain dance.
16) Always slow your treadmill down to a moderate walking pace when adjusting your music selection on your i-pod. You may think you have the balance of a trapeze artist and the agility of a gazelle but all it takes is one misstep and the next thing you know your i-pod slams down on the fast moving belt and takes off like a rocket launching itself through mid air eventually striking the elderly man in the kneecap on the stationery bike behind you.
17) Just because a slightly overweight woman shopping in the infants department is picking out baby clothes, don’t feel compelled to make small talk and say, “Oh boy, you must be due any day now!” Women come in all different shapes and sizes and some have a tendency to carry a little more weight in the mid section. Keep that in mind so you don’t unnecessarily insult someone with the ‘oh you’re so large, you must be pregnant!’ comment.
18) Never trust a hangover fart when wearing white pants.
19) If after several visits to the chiropractor you end up walking like a crooked old man with a stick up his ass and make obnoxious clicking noises every time you stand up or sit down, it’s probably a good idea to get a medical doctor’s opinion sooner rather than later.
20) When dining alone, always make sure to check your face and teeth in a mirror before leaving the restaurant. Especially after eating blueberries or anything with little dark seeds for that matter. Strangers will NOT tell you.
21) Never test to see if your professional grade ceramic curling iron is still on by grabbing the scorching barrel with your bare hand. A safer way to check is to just look and see if the red light is still on or better yet, just unplug it when you’re done with it to avoid this scenario entirely.
22) When driving, if you happen to pull up next to a cute guy, it’s ok to flirt but never, ever plan on meeting him for a drink at the local watering hole later in the day. You may end up sitting there waiting for Mr. Gorgeous to walk in only to be horrifically disappointed when you spot Mr. Gorgeous’s face attached to a 4 foot 10 inch body.