Friday, April 20, 2007

The husband's not gonna like this one...

He may even insist that I remove this post if he ever reads it but for now it's here and since this is my blog, I'm doing it.

I absolutely dread driving with my husband in the car. Within seconds he is criticizing something, anything, and has got to be the WORST back seat driver in our generation. Two nights ago I'm making dinner and he calls me. Conversation went like this:

me: Hello?

him: Hi. What are you doing?

me: Cooking dinner. You almost home?

him: No. My car died on the freeway.

me: WHAT????

him: I'm sitting here in my car on the 5. It just broke down. Well I may have run out of gas, I'm not sure.

me: Where on the 5? Are you off to the side?? Are you safe from traffic??? (mind you it's rush hour and he's driving from LA)

him: I pulled off to the side, I'm fine but my phone's about to die.

me: Where are you specifically?

him: I'm north of the Lake Forest exit. Shit, my phone's beeping. I gotta go, Call me a tow, ok?

me: Ok, ok. Just stay in your car!

him: (click)

So I call Triple A with his location and ask that they tow him to the Audi dealership which is just a few miles up the road. It was time for his annual service check anyway. Then I call the dealership and the service shop is closed but the sales office is still open and the woman says she'll look out for the tow truck and let him know where to put the car. Tom calls back in about 20 minutes to let me know the tow truck arrived. I tell him I'm on my way and I'll meet him at the dealer. I grab my keys and head out the door with Wrigs at my heels. He knew something was up and definitely wanted to be part of it so I ask him, "Do you wanna go for a ride?" In a flash he's out the door to the garage, standing by the passenger side door alternately lifting his 2 front paws in anticipation. We're off to pick up his Daddy.

As I pull into the dealership I see Tom checking out a few of the new cars on display in the lot. Oh no, I think. He gets in the car and as we're approaching the light to exit the dealership, he starts in on my driving...

him: Why are you stopping in the crosswalk?

me: I'm stopping because the light is red. And I'm not IN the crosswalk.

him: YES you are! The front part of your car is over the line!

me: (deep breaths, deep breaths) So, how was your day?

him: Why don't you pay attention???

me: Why don't you please shut your mouth right now?

We continue on for a mile or so in silence. Wrigs can pick up on the tension between us and sticks his big head through the space between our seats and smothers us with nervous licks. I ask him to return to his seat in the back and he slowly complies. There's a stop light down a slight hill about 500+ft ahead and the light just turned from yellow to red. I let up on the brake and slowly begin to decelerate. We're in a 45 mph speed zone and I was slowing down to about 35.

him: Why are you slowing down??? Are you running out of gas???

me: No, only an IDIOT would allow that to happen.

him: You're going SO slow!

me: I am approaching a stoplight and unlike some people who SLAM THEIR $#@*!&*# BRAKES TO A SCREECHING HALT INCHES BEFORE THE CROSSWALK I prefer to gradually slow down to a stop. It's a CRAZY concept, I know.

him: Well that guy behind you is on your ASS!


After the light turns green I floor the gas pedal and we blow the other cars away. I didn't exceed the speed limit I just gave it all I got from the start and we went from 0 to 45 in what felt like 3 seconds.


me: (happy place, happy place) I'm sorry Sweetie, did you say something?

{this incident just reminded me of a story from college. A friend of mine and I would drive back and forth together (about a 2 hour ride) and we'd always get into arguments about the other's driving. We decided this one time to duct tape our mouths shut for the entire ride and see if that would prevent the fighting (actually I think it was my mother's idea, she even put the tape across our mouths). It definitely put an end to the verbal attacks however we just got more creative with hand signals and impolite gestures. And I remember that it took HOURS to get each and every speck of tape matter off our faces. And I was red and blotchy around the mouth for days. But in the long run I think it was well worth it. Now there are 102 uses for duct tape.}


Anonymous said...

I would have stopped the car and made him walk! You are too nice.

Bb said...

Why wasn't Chum in the car with all of you?