Vacuum Cleaner Blow out

Since there seems to be an abundance of highly depressing news lately I thought I'd switch gears and focus on something a little less critical but still not very uplifting. Vacuuming. But to be more specific, vacuuming small throw rugs and bath mats. Does anyone else have a knock down drag out fight with their vacuum when attempting to vacuum these tiny little plots of hell? I absolutely DREAD it and I have to mentally psyche myself up before I flip on the switch and begin that nightmare process. I even try different techniques such as picking up the vacuum, placing it on the rug/mat then allowing it to suck up the area it's resting on without even moving it, then shutting off the vacuum, moving it a centimeter so it can suck up the next spot but inevitably this ends up in disaster and half the fricking rug gets sucked inside and I'm yanking on the son of the bitch vacuum soooo hard that I end up either hurting my neck from the whip lash when the rug finally releases or the kick back from the force of the vacuum causes it to slam down on my foot. This is why I never, ever EVER will vacuum barefoot EVER again. Oh and then there's the noise the vacuum starts to make when you suck up the rug, it's like a high pitched whining sound and sometimes I just yell so loud, "SHUT UP YOU WHORE!" and Tom will know that I mean business and stays out of my way. Then the whole room starts to smell like burnt hair and that is when I purposely kick the vacuum down to the ground so it's laying on its back and I calmly say "You're dead to me" and walk away.

Time to wash my pits and splash cold water on my face. I feel better already.

prayers

are with those affected by the wild fires in southern California and for the families of the 2 firefighters who were killed. This is just a recurring nightmare that plays over and over and over this time of year. Just completely horrifying for those in its path. So devastating.

"Don't Drink the Orange Juice"

that's what my mom told me right now but she really means, "Don't Drink the Kool- Aid."

momism

mom:
"Hi honey, wanted to let you know that I ordered you and Tom some breasts from QVC." (at this point I'm thinking WTF but didn't interrupt, she continues) "They look delicious and should arrive by the 27th. Share some with your friends. They are parmesan breaded chicken breasts." (Thank goodness. I knew at some point this would make sense)

Can't wait for my box o' breasts to arrive!

you say tomato

I say...waste of money!

what you are looking at is the result of 3 topsy turvy tomato plant attempts. Coupled with a $158 water bill I'd say this crop was a big fat bust. Not sure what to do with this one tomato though. I feel as though it should be honored seeing it's the only viable source of food that sprung from the plant's loins. Maybe I'll make the world's smallest bloody mary. For Chumley.

since you've been gone

Tom and I like to make up stupid songs for each other. If we hear a song on the radio or on our pod we'll change the lyrics around to poke fun at or be mean to each other. All in fun. Most of the time.

So earlier today there was a segment on tv about Kelly Clarkson and they played a clip of Since You've Been Gone. Instantly Tom busts into his own rendition with:

"Since you've been gooooooone, I've had nothing but a GREAT TIME!"

He looked at me then laughed. I said that wasn't very nice and followed with:

"Since you've been gooooooone, I don't seeeeee anymore-black-socks-on-the-floor!" (I incorporated some dance moves too, while pointing at random socks strewn all over the closet/bedroom floor)

then he shouts out,

"Since you've been gooooooone, there's no more haaaaair stuck to the shower wall!"

so naturally I continue with:

"Since you've been gooooooone, I can't find a single nose hair in the sink!"

he tried not to laugh because he KNOWS this is SO TRUE and then came back with:

"Since you've been gooooooone, I get laaaaaid ALL the TIME!"

*crickets, crickets*

Yeah, we're done with this song.

stuck on the sh*tter again

when you spend 1/3 of your day in the bathroom you have a LOT of time to think about nonsense or make up stupid songs. I guess I like to do a combo of both.

Here is today's little ditty sung to the tune of "Stuck in the Middle with You":

Stuck on the Shitter Again

well I don't know why I ate that tonight
I got the feeling that something ain't right
I'm so scared I'm gonna crap in my chair
and I wonder do I have clean underwear??
TP to the left of me
magazines to the right, here I am
stuck on the shitter again.

yes I'm stuck on the shitter again,
and I wonder if I'll be here til 10.
it's so hard to keep a smile on my face
when my bowels explode all over the place
spray to the left of me
candles to the right, here I am,
stuck on the shitter again.

(my dream is to get some cartoon software and make little videos for all of my crazy songs. don't worry they're not all about poop)

not so politically correct

but I was irritable.

Tom and I ate an early lunch in town and within minutes I had some SERIOUS stomach issues. We had walked to the restaurant and now had about a mile and a half walk back home. We're both rushing (and I'm clenching) and on the sidewalk we're log jammed behind a large Asian family (large as in quantity of people, not size). These people just decided to stop right there and block any and all walking room. Frustrated I said out loud, "MOVE IT, Jon and Kate plus 8!" They still didn't move so we side winded into the street AND traffic to pass them.

Tom says I need to collect myself and keep those thoughts in my head from now on.

I say, not so much.

Wrigs Spa Day

Tom asks, "DOYOUWAHFLOWAHHHH???"

SBF

For the past month or so I've had what I like to call, "Severe Brain Fog." What is Severe Brain Fog or SBF? Well if my brain wasn't so foggy I'd be able to tell you in precise terms but since I can barely hold a thought I'll just cite some examples.

-Several days ago Wrigs and I drove into town, parked and walked to tend to our errands. Dry cleaning, bank, pharmacy, pet store, things like that. Well when I got back to the car, I put Wrigs in the back and then I got in and sat in the passenger seat. I checked my phone, answered a text and then thought, wait a second, I DROVE HERE! The area where I parked was bustling with lunch time crowds so rather than look like a moron and get out of the car and walk over to the driver's side I rummaged through the glove compartment as though I sat there purposely trying to find a map, tire gauge or what not. Then after grabbing an old pen and moving it into the center console I straddled the shifter and casually slid into the driver's seat.

-I was on some strong antibiotics because when I was back in Chicago en route to Pittsburgh, I got some nasty bug. I ended up having to go to Urgent Care and when the doctor took a throat swab the top of the q-tip was covered in dark red blood. Still don't know what it was (wasn't strep) but the doctor was concerned and put me on a high dose of antibiotics. This is when things really kicked into high gear. It wasn't so bad in the mornings but for whatever reason (wine) my night time dose really messed me up. I started seeing these blobby faces in my tea, in noodles, and even when I'd close my eyes. It got so bad one night that the face in my tea had teeth and was chewing at me. I threw the glass and the rest of the bottle of tea down the drain because of the sticky faces I saw.

-And then this morning I was making coffee as I do just about every morning and instead of pouring water into the coffee pot I poured it halfway full of milk. Thankfully I realized what I did before I poured the milk into the coffee maker because that would have been a pain in the ass to clean out. I know I'm not old but isn't this a sign of what old age is kind of like? (Aside from the hallucinations which I think were caused by an intolerance to the meds.)

Oh and one of the worst things I EVER did was just the other night. Tom and I were out til about 11:45pm trying to watch the meteors. Chum n Wrigs were with us then Tom and Wrigs went inside and I followed shortly after...but I forgot about Chum. Poor guy was outside on the deck ALL NIGHT in the cold and rain til 7:30 the next morning. Never in the 15 years of owning this cat have I ever left him outside like this. If anything would have happened to him I could never have forgiven myself.

Anyway, just wanted to share my SBF issues on here. I really want to update more and may have to do blogging like I do my facebook updates, random snippets of nonsense here and there. That seems to be the only way I can function/communicate lately.

sisters

Yesterday, was her birthday.
I never met her, but I feel her presence through my mom's sadness,
On the day of her birth and again on her death-
And many days in between.
There should have been 3 of us,
But it didn't turn out that way.

Sunday funny

"I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod."

(sent to me via email from my friend Rebecca - this did not really happen to me, just wanted to clarify!)