Friday, July 30, 2010

The nugget

After college, I lived the life of a swinging single for a couple years. I definitely enjoyed my freedoms and took full advantage of casual dating because I was not ready for anything serious.

I was dating this guy who was 10-12 years older than me, we'll call him bi-sexual Bill, because well he was bi-sexual, but I didn't realize that until later in the relationship, I'll get to that another time. So anyway bi-sexual Bill was gorgeous, chisled features, always tan, perfect teeth, great smile. One of the first times I went to his condo I was blown away because he had pictures of himself with high ranking politicians, like for example...President Reagan!?! And several other famous sports figures -Payton, Jordan, Ali, Agassi, and famous actors and actresses, Robert Redford and Whoopi Goldberg were two that I recall. He had an adorable tabby named Peanut and part of the reason I loved hanging out with him was because of his cat. Peanut was a LOVER and a lap cat. I would be covered in cat hair after 5 minutes on the couch but it never bothered me. This particular visit was maybe the 3rd time I had been over and we were watching old black and white movies on the couch of course with Peanut purring on my lap. I started to fall asleep, I hadn't been feeling well, had a horrible sore throat and he said I was welcome to stay over. With that, I headed into his bedroom, fully clothed, and crashed. The next morning I felt worse and had a pretty bad stomach ache. He was still asleep so I tip toed into the bathroom. I tried to be as quiet as possible, even blanketed the toilet bowl in lots of tissues so the plops wouldn't kerplunk in the water. I flushed as soon as I could and ran the water, so in case he woke up maybe he thought I was washing my face. When I was done one "nugget" didn't flush so I flushed again. Now I'm praying he didn't wake up because a double flush is a sure sign of a dump. But now the toilet just filled up with with water as the nugget floated to the top of the bowl. I'm sweating with panic thinking the whole thing's about to blow and water and nugget will flood the floor but then the water stopped right at the rim and stayed there. I'm looking all over the bathroom for something to scoop out the nugget but there was nothing useful. I thought about using toilet paper to reach in grab it and wad it up but then where would I put it? In the kitchen down the garbage disposal??? I remembered we had plastic bags from take out the night before so I closed the lid of the toilet and slowly made my way into the kitchen without waking up the bi-sexual. I grabbed a bag out of the garbage and ran back to the bathroom and quietly closed the door. I gagged as I scooped and then shook all the water out of the bag and wrapped it up into wad, knotted it then tossed it into his empty garbage can. As I looked at it I thought, "What if he gets curious and wants to see what it is? Maybe he'll want to know if it's a feminine product to figure out my cycle and when we'll have sex." Again this was before I realized he wasn't really into women in that way but if he had been curious how does one explain this?? I'd be known for the rest of my life as the girl who wadded up a piece of her own poo and threw it in the garbage. So I grabbed it out of the can, and thought I'd bury it in his kitchen garbage which was almost full. That way if he got curious and looked through there maybe he could blame it on someone else. So as I quietly opened the door there he is standing on the other side smiling, holding out a toothbrush. I realize he must have a stash of them on hand so I thank him and go back into the bathroom with the brush and my bag of poo. He yells that he's going to make coffee and I think great, now I can't sneak into the kitchen and dispose of my bag. I thought about throwing it out the window, but what if a neighbor saw me and got suspicious and went to retrieve it and then came knocking on his door? Then a light bulb went off. Peanut! I could toss my nugget into the cat box and no one (aside from Peanut) would ever know. The litter box was in his office so I had to be sly and not appear to be snooping around. I put the poo in my purse and thought while he's in the kitchen I'll just sneak in there, unknot the bag and toss it in. Of course Peanut was right there by my side as I started fumbling with the bag and the stupid knot wouldn't come undone. I hear the beep for the coffee machine and start to freak so I abandon that whole scheme. Bill's walking down the hall holding our coffees as I come out of his office zipping up my purse, looking like I just stole something. I imagined him saying, "What did you put in your purse?" and then I'd say, "Nothing, nothing" and he'd insist on looking inside and then out pops the poo. Thankfully that didn't happen.

After we drank our coffee, we walked to a little breakfast spot in his neighborhood. After my second cup, before our food arrived, I explained that I had the world's smallest bladder and must hit the restroom again.

Crisis averted.

11 comments:

ChiTown Girl said...

this story sounds grossly familiar....did you post about it in the past?

Smileygirl said...

No but I think I told you about this a long time ago. Maybe when you were visiting Frank and George?

ChiTown Girl said...

Either way, it made me giggle! :P

Jana said...

So funny! I had something similar happen with my now husband. It was the first time we spent the night together.He was house sitting for a family and I woke up at 6am with the stomach flu. For an hour I was going back and forth from the master bedroom down the hall to the kids bathroom because I didn't want him to hear the throwing up and explosive diarrhea! He didn't wake up until it was long over and I had cleaned the bathroom. I ended up telling him I felt sick and had been throwing up and he took care of me all day. I now know it would literally take a tornado to wake him up, he is the heaviest sleeper I've ever met!

Anonymous said...

Charm school just doesn't cover this kind of "what to do".

I guess most of us have had to deal with embarrassing bathroom issues! We could compile(no pun intended)them and make them into a cute little gift book. Hallmark would love it!

I have an overactive bladder and I could write a book called The Best Places to Piss in the Northwest. (Have you seen the real book, The Best Places to Kiss in the Northwest?) Some of the "places" include snowpiles, a large roll of paper towels, really sketchy bathrooms, behind buildings, etc. I could go on and on--and that is a pun.

YKW

Anonymous said...

Here's a shitty story I found on a blog. It's funny.

http://thebadmomsclub.com/2010/07/rwhen-you-find-out-its-not-guacamole.html

Gina said...

you had me laughing the entire time i read this! you are too funny :)

have a great weekend

<3 Gina

Anne Good said...

Same thing happened to me when my husband and I were dating (living together). Problem is that mine actually did overflow and I was late to school, so my poor husband actually cleaned it all up. That's love.

Smileygirl said...

Just saw these comments now. Glad to know others have "been there, done that!" It's really just mortifying though.

Live For Today said...

We have so much in common...from dating a bi-sexual to overflowing toilets...check, check.

The Word Slinger Upstairs said...

Ha Ha I clogged a coworkers toilet just as a meeting was supposed to be starting...at her house. Oops. I actually just yelled for her, told her I used too much toilet paper, and asked for a plunger. Wasn't really much else I could do.