Thursday, January 14, 2010
I'm coming out of the closet
One year after my father passed away, I started an anonymous blog. Typically this sort of post would have been over there but I am closing that down and "coming out of the closet" so to speak and will start to share some of what was on there, on here. I felt like I had to switch gears, when writing on one or the other and sometimes that was difficult. And it was part of the reason I neglected this one so much. So now, I'm going to somehow marry the two together and just see what happens.
I am fearful. We all have fears. How can we not? Watch the news, read the paper, click on "warning" emails from friends/family about possible dangers, some even in your own home. There is reason to be fearful. We live on this enormous planet filled with billions of people and we have access to more information through so many mediums that our minds can't possibly process it all. It is overwhelming. Exhausting. The last few months, starting with the senseless murders of several police officers here in Seattle and now ending with the recent obliteration of Haiti has my mind in a fog. Throw in the failed attempt to take down a jet liner on Christmas day and all the other news making stories (deadly home invasions, gang shootings, rapes, car accidents, natural disasters, I can keep going on for hours here but you know where I'm going with this) the point is, just click on any news site and read the top headlines. These aren't just words. These are life changing tragedies. When I read them online or watch them on the news I think, someone's life is forever changed by what just happened, and I pray for them. Them being, complete strangers, but that could be any one of us. I say a prayer asking for God to give them strength and guide them through their pain. And sometimes I just sit and cry.
I'm learning how to compartmentalize my fears/worries/sadness about the things I can't control without losing compassion. I never want to turn my back and be one of those people so caught up in their own little world that I become ignorant to the suffering of others. But I also don't want to become paralyzed by my emotions and feel like I'm slighting those around me, who I deeply love and care for. Does that make sense? And when I am with my friends and family I want to be PRESENT. Physically, I'm there, but emotionally I remain distant because my focus is on another part of the world, or with the family of a hit and run victim that headlined the morning news. I need to file those thoughts away one by one. Right now they appear as thousands of pieces of paper swirling around in circles blown by an industrial sized fan. I need to pull that plug.
Recently, during a sleepless night I came to a conclusion that brought me some comfort. I thought about all the people in the world and all of the good things that happen every minute of every day. Just imagine if those were headlined! There is not enough ink in the world or bandwith on the internet to broadcast those stories. So for every tragedy, there are multitudes of blessings that off-set the bad. This brings balance to the universe as well as peace in my little pocket of the world.
Posted by Me at 4:16 PM