Saturday, November 14, 2009


So typically on the weekends a trip to Home Depot or Lowe's is involved. I used to wait in the car when Tom would say, "It'll be quick, just need to pick up one thing." But I've learned my lesson. There is never just one thing. So I'll go in with him and within seconds, he's off in a million directions. I usually wander the seasonal aisles or hang around in light fixtures and tell him to meet me in one of those places when he's done. Or if we have Wrigs with us I take him to the door section and we open every door, even the sliders and walk through them together. Wrigs LOVES it. It's funny because one time when Tom was looking for us, he went looking in the doors section and asked the guy sitting there if he'd seen a woman and dog going in and out of these doors and the man said "Yes, why do they do that?" (THEY makes me laugh, like this was all Wrigs idea) and Tom replied that "we're just training our dog." (Yes, because our dog needs training on how to walk in and out of a door. So stupid! But still, we will continue to do it.)

Anyway, so when we're at Home Depot inevitably Tom and I can't find each other. This happens ALL THE TIME. I'll try his cell, he will have left it in the car. So my last resort is paging him and he HATES it. But I get so frustrated that I almost enjoy doing it because it pisses him off so much. As soon as Tom hears his name over the loud speaker, I'll see him appear in the distance and the look on his face is PURE EVIL. He seriously wants to kill me. Then I get pissed because he's so pissed and then a verbal exchange ensues that goes something like this...

TOM: Why do you DO that?? I told you where I was going to be!?!

ME: I looked for you everywhere. Obviously you weren't in ONE spot, look at all the crap you have in the cart.

TOM: Well, I need this stuff. It's all for the same project.

ME: Whatever, I hate this place.

TOM: I'm sick of you paging me.

ME: I'm sick of you wandering off like a lost child.

TOM: You're the one wandering off! Why don't you stay with me instead of walking through 25 doors all the time!?

ME: Because that's just what I do.

So yesterday Tom came with me on some errand running. I had to go to Michael's and Joann Fabrics. He didn't realize we were going to hit both stores so after Michael's I said "OH I just have to stop at Joann's while we're here" and he got all flustered and was like, "How long is this going to take?? What do you need? Why didn't you get it all at Michaels???" I explained to him that these are two different stores much like Lowe's and Home Depot and also reminded him that there have been times we have stopped at BOTH Lowe's and Home Depot and even ACE hardware all in the same day and that finally shut him up. Our relationship is based on so much compromise which is good but it's like we have a running tally of who does what and when. It'll be like, "Ok you can have golf on for one hour if you clean out the litter boxes and empty the dust buster." Or "If you scratch my back for 20 minutes, I'll help you rake leaves." Stuff like that.

Anyway, while in Joann's, I realized that I do the same thing he does to me when we're in his type of stores. I get so overwhelmed once inside and even though I have a list of things I need to get, I can't focus on a single thing because my sensory overload has kicked into high gear and I'm off running around like a wild banshee, leaving Tom in my wake. And I completely lose all track of time.

Yesterday all we needed to get was garland and lights, that was it. But somehow I ended up in the back of the store in the knitting supply aisles and was probably there for about 10 minutes or so having a conversation with a fellow knitter about graduated color yarns and color blocks of yarn and the difference in their look depending on what you're knitting. As we're chatting, I see a figure run past the aisle and then two seconds later back up and of course it's Tom and he's just standing at the end of the aisle staring at me. I bid my farewell to the knitter and throw some yarn in my cart. Our exchange:

TOM: How does THIS (pointing to the yarns) have anything to do with the garland and lights you needed??

ME: You're one to talk. You go to Home Depot for tub caulk and come home with a Leaf Blower.

He picks up my big wad of chunky purple yarn and drop kicks it high into the air then catches it and dangles it above my head. I pretend to kick towards his privates and now we are full on wrestling, swinging and chasing each other around the yarn aisles at Joann fabrics. Now Tom and I will say things to each other that sound really bad but they are totally in fun. So as we're acting like idiots with the yarn he says, "I'm going to tie you up with this and roll you down the hill side." I start laughing and grab some knitting needles and slap his ass with them. I tell him I'm going to knit his lips shut so I never have to hear him squawk again and he tells me he's going to chop me up into little pieces and flush me down the toilet. And all the while the little knitter I was chatting with just moments before stands quietly to the side watching us in horror.


ChiTown Girl said...

This is one of those posts that makes me miss you guys SOOO much!

Your Home Depot lets you bring Wrigs in??

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised he didn't have you paged over the speaker at JoAnns. You all are so fun.

Smileygirl said...

OMG this place is the most friendly dog city ever! Pretty much every store that does not MAKE food allows dogs. It's insane. Wrigs comes everywhere!

Anonymous said...

you guys make me want to get married again! - LF

Alexis! said...

LOL That is an amazing story. You two sound like a great couple :)

keltban said...

That was SUCH a FUNNY story! Thanks for the laughs.

karen gerstenberger said...

You have just described the sensory overload PERFECTLY. Thank you - it's like a PSA. I am going to show this to Gregg. I even have trouble in the grocery store with this, and it's not fun stuff like craft supplies!
You two are so funny. It really is the little things in life, and how you can find fun in the every-day, unavoidable irritations, that make the difference between a ho-hum existence and LIVING. Carpe diem!

lizziebelle said...

i am going to knit your lips shut.

Clippy Mat said...

hey, i've missed your little stories. too funny.