Refrigerator man

The refrigerator repair man came to the house because our fridge died last week. At first I thought I left the freezer drawer open which caused the stuff inside to defrost so I made sure it was shut tight and then a few hours later, opened it up to a sogging, dripping mess. (BTW, freezers with drawers on the bottom are a cluster f*ck. Stuff falls behind the drawer and the ice maker overflows all the time. And you have to Houdini your body to fit inside the drawer while using a mirror to try and put the little hook back into the little stopper hole. Like clockwork one of us working inside the drawer will ask, "Is it in the hole yet??" And the other will say "That's what she said." And then the other will say, "I'm freezing in here will you JUST TELL ME IF IT'S IN THE FRIGGIN' HOLE!?!?" and this happens about 16 times a month. 

So anyway the repair man came out to try to fix/diagnose the problem and by that I mean he plugged in the fridge, listened to a hum/click and 3 seconds later pocketed a check for $60. He recommended a family owned appliance store in town and then I told him that we have a back up fridge in the laundry room that we'll just roll into the kitchen (fyi, that task is a lot harder than it sounds). Fridge man's energy level kicked up a notch and he asked, "You have another fridge/freezer in this house??" I told him yes it's down the hall in the laundry r--- and before I could finish talking he spurts out "Can I see it?" (talk about someone who LOVES his job) I let him know that it seems to be working fine so there's really no need and when he asked to see it a second time I finally said, "I have a mean cat who's inside the laundry room because if he gets out, he will bite you." Fridge man looks at me funny and says, "Who? A cat?? You have a biting cat??" I simply say, "Yes."  Then he asks, "What would happen if you let the cat out?" I visualize the massacre in my head for a moment or two and then say, "It wouldn't be pleasant." His large appliance fascination has now been replaced by the not so friendly feline and he presses on, "Well, would he run up and just bite or would he approach slowly, like a lion, stalking me like prey?" At this point I'm about ready to lead him down the hall and say, "How about you find out for yourself buddy?" But instead I tell him that it depends on the situation, sometimes it's a run, jump and cling to a body part type of bite and other times it's a more calculated approach, when one least expects it. Of course this sparks more interest so he asks his age, what type of cat he is, how we got him and then in mid sentence notices the 3 litter boxes sitting atop our living room furniture and points to them, "Are those HIS boxes??" I wanted to say no, they're ours - our toilets are broken too but didn't and said "Yes those are his. He also has a bit of a marking problem." A look of horrified curiosity spread over his face and it's obvious he's not going to be satisfied so I figure, what the hell, let's just get this over with. "Do you want to take a quick peek at him?" Apparently that was the million dollar question. "YES! I have to see this cat!"  

I told him that I'll quickly open the door just a sliver to make sure Chumley doesn't escape. Refrigerator man stands behind me in anticipation of the viewing and I ask him not to say anything because that will get Chum really worked up. Once the door cracks, I hear Chumley jump off the dryer and meow (which sounded sweet) as he heads to the door. He sniffs the opening and Refrigerator man shouts, "He looks normal! He looks sweet!" (Umm, what part of NOT speaking did you NOT understand?!?) Then he kneels down ever so slightly and CHUM GOES APE SHIT. He screeches/hisses/growls all at the same time and whacks the side of the door like a wind up toy gone bad. I quickly shut the door and say, "So that's Chumley."

He left shaking his head, laughing but I'm guessing also a bit disturbed.