zinc sucks

I'm taking all sorts of over the counter medicine to kick this cold/flu thing I've got going on. Tom bought these zinc tablets that dissolve on your tongue but taste like old pennies. After 2 seconds I spit it out. Tom hands me another one and I tell him that I'll just swallow it whole cuz I can't handle the taste. He says, "Just suck it, but don't swallow."

Hmm. Haven't heard that in a while.

While I'm upstairs sucking, he's downstairs watching the Bears game and every once in a while he lets out a Tourette's like yell of disgust and it makes me laugh so hard that I may or may not have peed my pants a little. No more liquids for me.

Do you have Dicks?

My sister is getting Tom's Christmas present at a sporting goods store and wanted to make sure that in case he didn't like it he could exchange it at a store in Seattle. So she and my mom were discussing the big chain sporting goods stores that they're familiar with.

My mom says, "Do you have Dicks here?"

My sister says, "Don't you mean Chicks, mom?"

Mom: "No, it's Dicks. We have quite a few Dicks in Illinois."

Sis: "Well there aren't any Dicks here!"

Me: "I don't think there are any Dicks in Seattle either."

Mom: "Really? They're everywhere by me."

Not what you want to hear out of your mother's mouth.

Big 5 it is.

Would you like some crap?

My mom and I ate at this adorable little French Cafe in the neighborhood that specializes in crepes. Our server had a very thick (Italian??) accent and everytime she said the word "crepe" it sounded exactly like "crap". My mom was asking some questions about what kind of crepes they had and our server would say, "Our lunch crap is made with buckwheat flour so the crap is brown. We have veggie crap, cheese crap, meat crap or you can choose what you like and make your own crap. I held it together through this entire exchange but I had to keep telling myself to lock it in. All I could picture was a steaming pile of shit sitting atop a shiny white porcelain plate.

Finally after finishing our lunch craps the server comes to our table and politely asks, "Anyone save room for a sweet crap?"

And that is when I lost it.

I hope one day my level of maturity will surpass the age of 8.

Day 2 of mom's visit

Conversation between Tom and my mom:

Mom: Where should we take Laura for her birthday dinner?

Tom: She loves this place down the street. It's a Tapas Bar.

Mom: What??? They have those around here???

Tom: Yeah. They're everywhere. We loved them in California too.

Mom: Are you kidding me??? Laura likes to go there???

Tom: Yes, she LOVES them.

Mom: Oh my Garsh.

(It wasn't until HOURS later that we realized my mom thought Tom was talking about a TOPLESS bar. My cheeks still hurt from laughing so hard.)

this morning

Chumley's curled up on the couch, sound asleep so I snuck a couple treats in front of his face to surprise him when he awakes. A couple seconds later his head pops up and he gobbles the treats. Tom watches this exchange and our conversation went as follows:

Tom: Why would you wake him up? Just let him sleep.

Me: He likes waking up to eat his treats!

Tom: How would you like it if I stuffed a sausage next to your face while you sleep?

Me: You do.

Tom: You wish.

You'd never guess I don't have children

Conversation with my friend's daughter about Thanksgiving. She's 5 years old:

Samantha:
I'm really excited to eat turkey!!!

me:
Turkey is great! Do you help mommy cook in the kitchen?

Samantha:
Not really I just like to eat. I don't know how to cook!

me:
Oh it's really easy. You just have to play around with the stove and stick things in the oven. (F*CK! Did I really just say that to a 5 year old?)

Samantha:
Stoves are HOT! I don't touch them!

me:
Good girl. Just making sure.

Parenting is hard.

Babbling Brooke

My friend Brooke was leaving a message for a friend of hers on the home answering machine. Her friend has 3 little kids, who upon returning home, like to play the messages back and listen.

While Brooke was leaving the message she inadvertently said the word, "F*CK". She realized that the little ones would be hearing this message, freaked out and then said, "SH*T!!! I just said F*CK into your answering machine!"

She hung up and called her friend on her cell telling her NOT to play the message in front of the kiddos.

The girl cracks me up. She really needs a blog.

terms of endearment

The hubby's new nickname for me is...

"Douche."

Sweet isn't it?

This one just came out of the blue while we were driving around town on Saturday.

Not "Douche bag" or "Stupid Douche" just plain Douche. Is it wrong that it makes me laugh? Not sure how many others would enjoy being referred to as a vaginal bulb syringe but I kind of like it. Perhaps he's trying to tell me something.

I found an old winter cap in our box of winter crap this weekend so I've been wearing it around the house and it's quite warm. I thought it was much more flattering than the Elmer Fudd hat but apparently not since Tom now tells me I look like Joe Pesci.

I guess this is to be expected after being married over a decade. It could be worse. It's not like we're flinging poo at each other. At least not our own...

What's Next for Palin??

I have an idea...

How about getting on the show, "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader?" and learn a thing or two.

Drive Carefully

"Cause you may just hit someone walking down the city street reading a magazine or carrying a box."

(these signs are around our neighborhood and they make me laugh. actually I almost hit someone the first time I saw it because I was fixated on that picture.)

say what???

This has to be my favorite momism of all times...

I was just chatting on the phone to my mom and was telling her that Tom has a work dinner tonight that he invited me to attend. I told her that I didn't feel like going because a) it's too cold to shower b) I have yet to unpack and organize my clothes so I won't have anything decent (or warm) to wear c) I have a pimple on my chin and d) I want to snuggle on the couch with the animals and watch nonsense TV.

My mom then says, "You need to force yourself to get up and get out of the house. Otherwise you are going to end up in a terrible fuck."

I am still laughing at this.

I may just go tonight so I can share this story with others.