Red Hot Chili Peppers...

...ARE GOING TO KILL YOU.

(or at the very least give you a nasty bout of flaming diarrhea and/or episodes of Exorcist like vomiting)

It seems like every week it's a different fruit, veggie or staple that's affected - or staples inside fruits and veggies. What's going on? Do we not have quality control? So much for salads. We're better off eating a bowl of rusty nails with a side of Liquid Draino.

Benefits of Boobs

Being a Woman

+

Cute Summer Dresses

=

Priority Service at the Costco Tire Center

Thank you nice man, for rushing to my aid when I had a question about my new tires. Your sense of urgency and need to re-act is similar to that of an emergency room triage. And I apologize to the 3 people who were waiting in line ahead of me. Who knew that little sundress packed so much power?

Btw, my new front tires were these 225/45/17 thing-a-ma-bobs. I got them last week and when Tom checked the pressure they were only filled to 27. So I said to the guy that they should be filled at 45, sounds logical doesn't it? It's not. He said that is the maximum the tire can be filled but it depends on the car and what you're using it for (like if I need to transport a car load of bricks, THEN I could fill the tires to the max of 45.) Fascinating and yes, this was the example he used.

So he showed me inside the drivers side door there is a spot that shows the tire pressures for the front and back tires. Who knew? Again, fascinated. The front tire pressure should be at 32 and the back at 36. So he checked all 4 and made sure they were just right. He said if ever I had any more questions or just needed to have my tires checked for pressure I could come back to him anytime.

I like Costco.

Aside from the weather...

I'm starting to think this may not be such a bad move after all.

Did I really just say this?

Yes. Yes I did.

I need to start changing my attitude about this journey and focus less on what it is I am leaving behind and more on what lies ahead to experience. It's not always easy, but I'll try.

things to do...

*update*

How I capture Chum's pee:

Chumley, more often than not, is "litter box challenged". On top of his many other behavioral issues (attacking people as they enter our home, humping his bear several times a day, knocking things off shelves/dressers, slapping our faces and biting Tom and I for no reason, hogging Wrigley's water, etc.) he also likes to urinate on our beds and couches. So after our 3rd mattress purchase (4th if you count the guest room) we had to come up with another way to save our beds. For several years now, we've been covering our beds and couches in plastic shower curtains. Luckily our couch in the family room is leather and he's not too keen on pissing on that. (See, he can be a good boy!) So we just cover the 3 bedrooms upstairs and our living room couch. This also makes selling the house gobs of fun because we have to make sure all the shower curtains are removed and then put back as soon as the people leave. If not, Chum would go on a pissing frenzy to each open bed.

So we keep a stock pile of shower curtains handy because after a few pee sessions, we need to replace them. We either shower them off or just spray them with cleaner but then they start to smell so we just have to toss them and replace with a new one. Target sells them for about $2 which is a small price to pay for keeping your mattress and furniture soil free.

When he pees on top of the shower curtain the pee sort of puddles up into little pools in the folds of the plastic which makes collecting a sample quite simple. I just use a regular sized Turkey Baster (Happy Thanksgiving!) to suck up his pee and then I squirt it into these little plastic pots I use to make lip gloss. It saves my vet the aggravation (as well as facial reconstruction surgery) of trying to get a sample so this is how we test his urine. There was a time last year when Chum was peeing on our windows in the study, (you can read that here), and I was able to turkey baste the pee as it was dripping down the windows and walls.

I realize as I type this out, it must sound somewhat ridiculous but it's really all I've ever known with this cat so you just learn to live with it and make concessions when you can. Tom has been a saint through all this because as he always says he, "married into this situation" but he truly loves Chumley too. Sometimes late at night when we're in bed about to fall asleep he'll say, "You know I don't remember seeing Chumley for a while." and he'll get up and search the house until he finds him and then come back to bed and sleep. I try not to make a big fuss out of it because he'll say, "Oh whatever, it's no big deal" but that is one of the things that makes me love my husband soooo much. He loves animals as much as I do too and that melts my heart.

So anyway, to make a long story even longer...that's how I capture Chum's pee!!

Special Delivery on its way:


(I just realized the last time I had Chum's pee tested was 7/9/07 - exactly ONE YEAR AGO to the DAY! Time to celebrate.)

these 2 things have been added to my "to do" list for tomorrow:

Vets office:

1) drop off Wrig's poop

2) drop of Chum's pee

I lost...

-my i-pod

-my "New Earth" book (which we are currently reading for bookclub)

-my frequent flyer Yogurt card

-a brand new tube of toothpaste, JUST purchased.

(we are down to the last squeeze of our current tube and I am on a mission to find that blasted new tube even if we have to go paste-less for a while. I know it's somewhere in this house of muck.)

Perhaps sleep is really necessary.

Sometimes...

I look at my dog and cat and can't believe they're real. I look at their faces and their ears and the positions of their eyes and nose and think, "Why did God make you like that?" And then I think they are nothing more than stuffed toys that can move (and poop). Then they look back at me and shift their eyebrows from side to side (Wrigs) or turn up their nose and walk away (Chumley) and I realize they are real live living creatures with beating hearts and brains inside their heads. I think God is pretty damn cool. Thank you God for making cats and dogs. And most people too.

I see London I see France...

I just bought some underpants.

Yesterday I went to Target and had to pee so bad. As I was hovering I noticed that the inside of my underwear was touching the outside of the dirty toilet bowl. I figured that cannot be sanitary so I took them off and chucked them in the garbage. I needed new underwear anyway. I like the low rise Hipsters by Hanes:

They sell them at Target so I got a couple of pairs.

Question: Do you wash your underwear before you wear them for the first time?? I never did before but now I'm thinking I should.

Benefits of Insomnia:

Late night infomercials such as this. I ordered me some WEN and can't wait to try it. My hair needs an intervention. Or shall I say an "interWENtion". I am such a dork I can't even stand it myself. Then again, I'm not sleeping so that's just how it is.

on the 5th of July

We were all hammered. Drank way too much the night before and when we were ready to call it quits ended up going to our neighbor's house for tequila shots around midnight. (God I'm going to miss it here.) My sister and her husband came back to our house and after dancing to the disco ball my sister decides to take a nap on the bathroom floor. She ended up staying there until morning. Her husband went home that night to tend to their menagerie of animals but said he'd be back to pick his wife off the floor in the morning. I didn't get much sleep because I kept popping into the bathroom every hour to make sure she was still breathing. Wrigs slept on her feet for most of the night too. I guess this scene is not unfamiliar to his innocent golden eyes. I'm just glad she didn't get her legs mauled by Chumley. That has happened to me in the past when I've spent the night on the bathroom floor. This doesn't happen much anymore (not because I don't sleep on the bathroom floor, but because Wrigs patrols the floor and Chum usually stays out the way.)

At 10:00am her husband comes over with their little Lhasa Apso, Chloe. Wrigs and Chloe play, pounce and hump and have a grand old time. Tom returns from golf with a smorgasbord of greasy food and we dive in. But we're still somewhat comatose and don't make any sudden movements. I check my cell phone around 10:50 and have a message from our realtor saying she's coming by at 11:30 with a potential buyer. I scan the house and think "No way in HELL can this place be ready to show in 40 minutes!" I announce to the zombies that we need to clean up (thankfully my sister was no longer on the bathroom floor which would have made showing that room interesting) and she and her husband gather their belongings and head home. Tom and I went into serious frantic cleaning mode, it was almost robotic, like something just clicked inside us and off we went each to different rooms and just did whatever needed to be done.

I'm in the kitchen tossing away the 12th beer can when I hear Tom yell from the study while vacuuming, "OH MY GOD!" I'm too weak to scream "What is it?" above the vacuum noise so I just go on about my duties. Then again, "OH MY GOOOODDDD!" I drop the beer can into the sink and head into the study. I am overcome by the smell of shit. I look at the area rug and it is covered in smeared dog crap. And it's also covered the sides and bottom of the vacuum. Did I mention my sister's dog is not 100% house broken?? Tom rushes outside with the shit covered vacuum and then heads back to clean up the mess. I was in FULL ON GAG mode and had to get fresh air into my nasal passage. The room smelled soooooo bad that we used intense heavy duty cleaner to cover it up which made our eyes tear up. All this and our first potential buyer was only minutes away.

I casually asked Tom how this happened and I can say first hand that I understand where the expression, "biting one's head off" comes from. Apparently Chloe's crap blended in with one of the patterns on our area rug so Tom just vacuumed right over it - one or two or three times. I hate to admit it, but in this case, I think the Roomba would have avoided that pile of shit like the plague.

Tom,

Would it be too much to ask to turn off Verminators while we're eating dinner?? (Especially since I slaved over a hot microwave for 4 minutes. Sorry about the burnt Biryani rice.)

Thank you,
your incredibly tolerant wife.

Marriage = Compromise

me: Tom the Bachelorette finale is on tonight, we're watching it.

him: Only if you get naked.

me: What??

him: That's the new rule. We only watch shows you like if you're naked.

me: Fine. But that does not apply for your shows.

him: We'll just have to see about that. (does a little freak move)

Seriously, we have issues.

Infections all Around

*Update*

Now it's a regular assembly line of antibiotic administration around here. I've got it down to a science:

Catch Wrigs unawares while he naps in the sun. Open ear flap and squirt in 5 drops of antibiotics. Wrigs = PISSED OFF.

Mission Accomplished. Now onto the cat...

Find sleeping cat on dining room chair.

Gently wake him with a soft, "Hello sweet sleeping boy" and duck for swats to the face. Once both paws are boxing my head reach under his flabby arms, pick him up and flip him on his back and squirt liquid into mouth, mid meow/screech of terror.

Works like a charm. I could have been a nurse. Or the Predator. Not really sure which one applies in this case.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wrigs has a yeast infection...in his ear. It's nasty. Just got back from the vets with another round of antibiotics along with a $192 bill (he also got his yearly shots). Chum is not even half way through with his bottle of meds and I just recently finished mine. Now Wrigs starts a 10 day cycle for his yeast packed ear canal. Poor Tom feels left out. Perhaps he'll contract the Ebola virus and blend in nicely with the rest of us. Contact the CDC - it's a regular Petri dish of ick around this house.

Not a good idea...

..to start a full on cardio routine seconds after eating half a box of these. (Not to mention I haven't done any cardio in over 2 weeks.) My innards are on fire.

6:50pm: It's also not a good idea to start exercising with a belly full of wine. What the f*ck is wrong with me today?

Happy 4th

Chumley is Improving!!

***UPDATE***
YAY! Chumley's getting back to his old self again. He bit my hands and almost ripped my face off when I tried to squirt his antibiotics down his throat tonight. This is GREAT NEWS!! He's still sleeping a lot but that is good because he needs to heal his little body. I really hope the worst is behind him.

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers for Chumley. We both appreciate it.

Chum sends Hugs and Hisses!









***UPDATE***
Please if you love animals, please say a prayer for my Chumley. He feels lousy and looks so miserable. He's very angry and when I try to comfort him he swats and hisses which is not out of the ordinary for Chum, but nor is this his usual feisty self. He is on antibiotics for what may or may not be a bladder infection. The vet is concerned that this could lead to kidney failure but in order to test his kidney function he would need to be sedated. And if it is kidney failure, chances are his kidneys will not recover after sedation so we are not wanting to go that route right now. My sister said that perhaps Chum developed a "sympathy bladder infection" after I got mine last week. Breaks my heart because he was such a sweetheart for several days in a row when I was sick. I want my old Chumley back - fangs and all!


He's been urinating all over the house (which is really nothing new) but his urine is dark brown (similar to mine last week) and this morning he pooped outside his litter box. Of course I have a visual - it looks like a burn victim's thumb...


His sweet streak from last week has definitely worn off and just a few minutes ago while he was eating his food, he started to gag and then dry heave for several seconds (thought it was just a hairball) but he hacked up lots of foamy vomit. Poor guy!

I called our vet but he had left for a long weekend. I didn't want to talk to another vet because this guy knows us and Chumley very well (just through one attempt at an exam) so the receptionist said she'll call him at home. She told him Chum's symptoms and he is prescribing medication to Chumley unseen. That is the only way this cat can be treated. He goes into RABID BEAST MODE the second we walk through the vet's door.

I'm on my way to pick his meds. I hope my little guy will be ok.

No hoses needed

We have 3 hoses at our house. One out back, one for the side garden and one in the front. I tell Tom,

"We don't need 3 hoses in Seattle."

He says, "Well I'm taking them with."

I tell him, "Come to think of it, we really don't even need ONE!"

He says, "But what if I want to wash my car?"

I say, "Park outside."

Plan B

I'm going to get a second opinion before I decide to continue treatment with Lupron. I seriously think this will be a lose/lose situation, especially when moving to a new city, without family and friends close by. This scares the shit outta me.

Side Effects

Severe depression, memory loss, seizures, hair loss, bone pain, blurred vision, disorientation, weight gain, hot flashes, facial aging, extreme fatigue, acne...

ALL THIS AND A MOVE TO SEATTLE????

How did I get so lucky?!?

Not to mention there are several lawsuits against this drug because people are still suffering the side effects even years after treatment. No thank you, I'll pass.

I'm also looking into some alternative treatments using Chinese Medicine and changing my diet.

Tom and I are deciding this together and he's not keen on the idea of not treating this. The endo was at an advanced stage and is growing back every month. We need to figure out a course of action in the next 2 weeks before my next cycle. Which is great because it's not like we have anything else going on right now.

My loss is Wrig's gain

I think I just fed my dog dinner, twice. I seriously can't remember if I JUST fed him 5 minutes ago. I was going to, then the phone rang, I answered and when I hung up I fed him, I think again. Of course he's not going to NOT eat the second meal if that was the case so he's probably really happy that his mommy is losing her mind. 

Look Officer, No hands!

Today is the first day of the new "Hands Free Phone" law in California. How do I know this? Because a friendly officer reminded me as I was pulling into Starbucks this morning while leaving a VOICE MAIL, not even actually talking to anyone. 

As I got out of my car he was heading into his patrol car and then stopped and smiled at me and I smiled back still gabbing away and then I realized OH Shit. As I snapped my phone shut I said, "Hello." He asked, "Do you know what day it is today? " I said, "Tuesday?" He said "Get an earpiece. First day of the Hands Free law." I apologized and told him that I do have an earpiece in my car and will connect it asap.

Thing is, you still have to dial the phone number so I'm not really sure how this is going to make a huge impact on safety. Not to mention text messaging - does that fall under this umbrella?? What about Satellite radio? I spend more time with my eyes off the road staring at that device trying to program and find the songs I want to hear. That is WAY worse then driving with one hand while talking with a phone to your ear, unless you do these two things simultaneously, in which case I also do so maybe this is a good thing after all. 

Keep a look out for Moe

42 year old Chimp is missing

Please say a prayer that he is found safe.