Ted Haggard on Divorce Court

April 1st and 2nd.

Check your local listings for air times because this is something you don't want to miss.

Remember him??

This is going to make for some goooood Reality TV.

Audio momism

I just figured out a way to download audio to my mobile phone, upload it to my online album, attach it via email, then download it onto my laptop and finally upload to blogger. And it only took 57 minutes!!! I really should have kept that flippin' i-phone Tom got me.

Anyway, I thought I would share a typical voice mail message from my mother. As you're listening, imagine "Wwaa Wwwwaaaa" sounds in the background. Remind you of someone??? And since it was just an audio message I video taped a photograph of my mother while playing her message but since it was via my cell phone, the quality is really bad. Again...should have kept that fricking i-phone!

So here it is. See if you can pick out the Momisms. I counted 2.



(oh and if you couldn't tell, my mom's nickname for me is "Bum" which really never bothered me before but after spending 6 months in Seattle, I think it's time for a new one.)

mental blockage

I just had complete blockage of the brain. I could not remember the word for camera. I'd been looking for it everywhere, then finally I called Tom to see if he had it but it came out more like this..

"Have you seen the um, the...CRAP! What's that thing called??"

"Uhhhm, I'm not really sure but I'm on another call."

"Wait!! I'm looking for the PICTURE TAKER!"

"The picture taker??"

"OMG I can't think. I need to find the F*CKING thing that takes pictures!!!"

"The camera?"

"YES! Do you have it??"

"Yes, I have the picture taker. I'll bring it home tonight. Can I get back to work now?"

"Yes, please do."

finding that happy place

Wrigley is crouched down in the attack position (Crouching Wrigley, Hissing Chumley - sorry couldn't resist) in the laundry room hovering over the "heat" vent growling. This can only mean one of 2 things:

1) a bird has gotten sucked into the furnace again and is fluttering about in our air ducts

or

2) for the love of God the heat may actually be working for once and he's completely dumbfounded by the warm air blowing out the vent.

Ok I just felt the vent. It's not warm. It's either a bird, a tarantula or this guy.

Tom and I just finished some delectable Pad Khee Mao from Thai Ginger and we paired it with this wine and it was yummy. I had quite a rant earlier today which perhaps I will touch on at some point but for now I am cleansing my palette and head by sipping some wine in a big fluffy robe listening to Wrig's growl at the vent as Chumley's nasty broccoli dump starts filling the air around me. Ahhhh sanctitude...

I've been having some strange dreams involving homeless people and personal attacks. Hmm, wonder why??? Hold that thought (which relates to my rant) but for now let me tell you last night's dream...

I was walking across a bridge with giant slats. I was holding my cell phone with 2 hands because I was soooo afraid it would drop and fall through the slats into the water below (there were also trains running on top of the water, but didn't appear to be any tracks). A homeless man was sleeping on one of the slats, teetering off the edge, about to fall over. As I approached he woke up and stumbled towards me. I told him to be careful because he's going to fall through the slats. He told me that he had something for me. I balanced on a slat and took a step and he said, "closer", I took another step, "closer" he said again. Another step and we were practically standing on the same little piece of wood and then he reached into his pocket (warning this is gross) and pulled out a handful of runny poo and smeared it across my mouth. I started spitting and spewing but still made sure I did not let go of my cell phone (someone mentioned in another dream analysis that my phone is my link to friends and family, totally makes sense) and the homeless man laughed and laughed. I tried to run but I couldn't because it was so hard to balance on the slats and the homeless man was alongside me still laughing like a maniac. Then he grabbed my cell phone and threw it as far as he could. I watched as the phone bounced on each slat, buttons popping off, flying into the air, but finally landed at the end of the bridge and didn't fall through to the water. I carefully made my way over to it and slowly reached for it and just as I was about to grab it a train went whizzing by causing the phone to skid off the bridge into the water.

Could this have anything to do with the fact that the house we have been in the process of buying for 5 MONTHS comes with its very own homeless person??? And the house has been broken into at least one time, and EVERY toilet has been, how do I put this...DISGUSTINGLY VIOLATED??? We actually spent New Year's Eve pouring gallons of water into the toilets (as the water has been shut off) trying to flush out other people's sh*ts. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I won't even get into the multiple liens that are attached to this house as well as the dangerous hill side it butts up against and Oh the fact that this location is the ONE area I specifically RULED OUT for a multitude of reasons when I came to Seattle back in July to look for housing.

Hence my earlier rant.

So tomorrow is the home inspection or should I say Phase 1 of the home inspection. You see, the previous owners didn't quite understand the concept of paying bills so we had to pay their past due water bill of $1265 + an additional water bill from a renter before them of $880, so basically that's $2100 we are paying upfront just to get the water turned on as the meter was removed, to have this home inspected. But the water won't be turned on until Saturday so the inspector is doing a half ass inspection without water tomorrow, then will return Saturday to inspect the plumbing and pipes with, thanks to Tom's credit card, working water. There are still over $13,000 worth of unsettled liens that we are fighting about with the many banks involved in this nightmare process. That number has been brought down from over $120,000 when we first started this home purchase from hell.

Ok I need to end this now and try and find that happy place yet again.

I may need my friend Gin to come back.

duh...

On the phone with Tom...

He says, "I got a new cell phone today."

me: "You did?"

him: "Yeah."

me: "Cool. I'm washing my ski jacket now. It's really dirty."

him: "I'll get a cover for it this time. Won't get so banged up."

me: "How does that work?"

him: "I'll just get some sort of plastic cover to go over the front."

me: "Didn't realize they had such a thing, but whatever."

him: "It has GPS built in too."

me: "What?? That's ridiculous!"

him: "Why? I'll totally use it."

me: "Why the HECK would you need a GPS in a ski jacket???"

Miscommunication. It happens a LOT around here.

Don't Cha wish you had a psycho kitty like me

(if you're not familiar with the song, you can listen to it here in case you get the urge to sing along)



I don't think you like me (don't think you like me)
No I don't think so (I don't think so)
Cuz when I awake in the morning you're always trying to bite my toe.
And I know your hungry (I know your hungry)
Cuz you're screaming at me (screaming at me)
But it is too early for you to eat, it's only six-thirty.

Don't cha wish you had a psycho kitty like me
Don't cha wish you had a freak like Chumley
Don't cha, Don't cha
Don't cha wish your kitty was raw like Chum
Don't cha wish your kitty was a grump like Chum
Don't cha, Don't cha

Fight the feeling (fight the feeling)
Just leave it alone (leave it alone)
Stop knocking things off the shelves and don't you dare touch that phone.
Let's keep it friendly (let's keep it friendly)
You have to play fair (have to play fair)
There's no need to hiss in my face and please STOP biting my hair.

Don't cha wish you had a psycho kitty like me
Don't cha wish you had a freak like Chumley
Don't cha, Don't cha
Don't cha wish your kitty was raw like Chum
Don't cha wish your kitty was a grump like Chum
Don't cha, Don't cha

I'm finally awake now (finally awake)
I fed your big gob (fed your gob)
You're off to the litter box where you will leave a giant blob.
As you walk away (you walk away)
You slap my shin (slap my shin)
And this is just typical of HOW our mornings begin!!!

Wheel of Fortune

it's the first puzzle where it's just random letters popping up willy nilly...

_ _ _ _

O_ _N

_ PA_ _ _

Tom shouts "THE ONION PATCH!"

I laugh out loud and then say calmly...

"Wide Open Spaces"

He can't touch this.

A few puzzles later:

category is "What are you doing?"

R_ _ D _ N G

A

M _ _

Tom..."RIDING A MUF!"

"Um not quite, that would be Reading a Map."

No more wine for Tommy.

FINAL PUZZLE

category is thing...

S _ _ N _

_ _ _ N

Tom says in the first second, "SHINY COIN"

And sure as sh*t? He's right.

I'm still in shock.

He's getting some extra lovin' tonight.

naughty and mean

This is the face of a guilty Chum who was caught eating pork tenderloin straight out of the pan while cooling (AND COVERED IN FOIL)! He managed to sneak inside the foil and lick lick lick away. He is now Naughty McPhee. His favorite food is pork. Just look at that guilty mug.


And this is the face of a mean Wrigs who snarls and snorts when I ask him to please kindly move off my side of the bed. He doesn't quite know what to do while making this face - he doesn't bite, he just raises his top lip and blows air out of his nose. He looks ridiculous when he does this and it makes me laugh. (and yes, HWHL, I definitely see the Joan Rivers resemblance in this pic)


I have a new nickname for Wrigs...it's Trail Blazer. Today when I let him out to pee he climbed the steep hillside and bolted through the brush to chase after what he thought was a squirrel but it wasn't - it was some sort of pine cone that fell from the tree. I've never seen this dog scurry up the hill like that before. He looked like one of those billy goats that can stand erect on the 90 degree slope of a mountain. (although that guy in the pic looks more like a horse with a pin head but I don't think that's possible).

over a year ago

I wrote a post regarding certain celebs and how they uphold a "do as I say, not as I do" type approach to the environment, economy and world affairs. Well here are a few snippets from an anonymous commenter that I thought I'd repost in light of our current economic climate:

"The world’s richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy. Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not ‘trickle down’ as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductable crumbs and call themselves ‘humanitarians’."

"The current US recession will drag on for years and lead into the worst US depression of all time. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductable contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. Now, there are commercial ties between nearly every industry and every public figure."

"The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. Oprah, Angelina, Brad, Bono, and Bill are not part of the solution. They are part of the problem. EXTREME WEALTH HAS MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. WITHOUT WORLD PROSPERITY, THERE WILL NEVER BE WORLD PEACE OR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Of course, the rich will throw a fit and call me a madman. Of course, their ignorant fans will do the same. You have to expect that. But I speak the truth. If you don’t believe me, then copy this entry and run it by any professor of economics or socio-economics. Then tell a friend. Call the local radio station. Re-post this entry or put it in your own words. Be one of the first to predict the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time and explain its cause. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE."

3/4/08 10:55 AM

Anonymous person I'm sad to say, you were right.

My friend Gin stopped by...

and hasn't left all weekend.

(and in case anyone was wondering, I did not get a perm. My hair has always been rat's nest curly but I have straightened it for the last...20 years! I've decided to stop damaging it for a while. Or a week, or til tomorrow. Who the hell knows.)

Dear Beverly...

To my darling Beverly,

I have decided to follow my dream and move to NYC to become a Broadway star. After touring the West coast I have found my true calling and Broadway is where I belong. I haven't yet told my side kick Wrigley, I need to do this alone. He cramps my style, plus he has a lot of gas.

I know this may seem a bit forward but until I get my bearings, is it possible I stay at your pad in Brooklyn? I don't think your mommy would mind, but Elvis may be a problem. Does he still drool? That bothers me somewhat. I'll search for drool cups on ebay before I depart.

Anyway, I've decided to rent a Harley and ride cross country. I've got some gigs lined up along the way so my ETA is yet to be determined. I'll have my blackberry in my fanny pack so we'll stay in touch. Until then, I'll leave you with a picture of me in my Harley gear.

Look how I can lift my leg so high:


Just something I learned while passing through Bangkok.

Peep out,

Dame Chumley
(that's my stage name but you can still call me "fluffy lover")

I have skinned my knee.

How?

Searching for an intruder in our home.

Our guest toilet lid was closed.

Our downstairs toilet lid and seat were up.

Tom and I did NOT do this.

I called the landlords. They did not enter the home.

I went into a DEEP closet, with Wrigs and a flashlight searching for a possible suspect. There was nothing.

Upon exiting closet, my shoe lace got stuck on the hinge of the closet door and I fell face first onto the floor.

My hands and right knee caught the brunt of the fall.

Knee is already turning green.

Chumley is bellowing like a lunatic.

Something is not right.

Did I mention....

this house is haunted???

First time I'm saying it on here.

Yes, it is true.

I just had multiple O's

6 to be exact. OMG why why WHY??? are Oreos soooooo damn good that time of the month?? I was eating them so fast and furiously for a moment there I looked like this girl:


Now I need a nap. And a cigarette. (just kidding, I don't smoke)

Though the one thing that bothers me about Oreos and all their chocolately goodness (as I stuff yet another one into my gob as I type) is that chocolate is listed as the last ingredient on the package. Isn't that surprising? Oh well, that doesn't stop me from enjoying that little circle of artificial flavanoids and preservatives.

You know what else I love that time of the month?? Fritos.

(side note: What I failed to mention is that due to my plethora of digestive issues, both Oreos and Fritos do not sit well in my system so I will be retiring to the "office" for the next hour or so. Thank God for Facebook! Truly a fabulous time sucker while otherwise indisposed.)

Pup-a-cabana

Wrigley and Chumley just performed a musical piece they wrote together, complete with costumes and jazz hands paws. I am still in awe of what I've just witnessed. They both informed me they'd like to pursue a musical theatre career on Broadway. Somehow, I think Bev is behind this.

His name was Chumley

He was a show girl

With pink ribbons on his head he would pee atop the bed

He would merengue and do the cha-cha

And though he tried to be a star, he didn't make it very far 

Across a crowded floor, he peed from 8 to 4

He was old and he was grumpy

and his bladder was poor!

At the Pup-a! Pup! Pup-a-cabana

The hottest spot north of Havana

At the Pup-a! Pup! Pup-a-cabana

Music and Passion are always in fashion

At the Pup-a.....they hissed and barked...

Then there was Wrigley, he wore a boa

He was chompin' on a bone when he saw Chum dancin' alone

And when he finished, he called him over

But Wrigley went too far, and threw Chum across the bar

And then the punches flew, and chairs were smashed in two

There was biting and fighting 

But who bit who????

At the Pup-a! Pup! Pup-a-cabana

The hottest spot north of Havana

At the Pup-a! Pup! Pup-a-cabana

Music and Passion are always in fashion

At the Pup-a...Then someone pooped...

PSA on deodorant

I bought some all natural deodorant.

The past 2 days I kept wondering, who's frying Chimichangas? Did I step in vomit?!? Is the Dead touring again???

Then today it hit me.

It is I who smells of burnt frumunda smothered in grilled onions with a side of picante sauce. No wonder people backed away from me at the post office. Sorry! I was trying to do my part for the environment and my underarms and avoid those toxins packed into aluminum based deodorants. But I have learned my lesson.


We need you toxins! Without you, this world is a stinky place.

tid bits

I hate cell phones:

Tom and I have a claim that we're filing with the moving company for some items that were damaged in our move. We're still doing the paperwork and I had a few questions and rather than send emails back and forth I asked him to find the name of a contact person that I could call. He gave me one today, her name is Adrienne.

I called from my cell phone which I hate doing cuz there's always a slight delay but I wasn't at home. The line keeps ringing so I'm assuming it's going into voicemail but because I'm stupid I say in my best Rocky impersonation, "Yo Adrienne!" A woman on the other end says, "Are you looking for Adrienne????"

I should have pretended to be Tom.

A couple of blogs...

I'm adding 2 more blogs to my sidebar...

First one is my BFF from kindergarten. Her blog is Olivia Dreaming and she writes about life with 3 boys under the age of 4 (YIKES!!) and all the fun crafts, cooking and creative things she does in addition to keeping up with the beasties.

The next blog is Lulu's Boutique and she makes the most adorable hair bows. These bows are precious and each one is very unique!

Check them out if you're feeling crafty.

Weekend Re-cap

I picked up Rebecca Friday morning and headed downtown. It was almost 60 degrees and sunny so we actually sat outside for some hot mexican soup and delicious Sangria. We tooled around Pike's and danced on the street corner to our cell phone ring tones - hers and mine (if you go to phonezoo.com you can download EVERY POSSIBLE ring tone on the planet, for free). Great thing about Seattle - dancing like a complete jack ass on the street corner does not illicit strange looks or stares from fellow passer-bys. We made a few stops into some or our fav places and then enjoyed milk chocolate sea salt caramels, champagne and then Rebecca got her hair did. (Love that expression).

One of Tom's best buddies was also in town for a job interview and may be moving here! We don't want to get our hopes up yet, but would be sooooo excited if this actually happens. He was staying in the 'burbs so Tom met him out for dinner and Rebecca and I walked into town for succulent sushi. We ate so much, coupled with several glasses of wine, that once we got home we retired to the bedroom floor wrapped up in Snuggies.

Saturday morning we had breakfast at a cute little house converted cafe, then spent the rest of the cold, dark, rainy day at home, wrapped in Snuggies on the couch. We watched some guilty pleasure tv - The Girls of Hedsor Hall, Man Vs. Food, before falling asleep to some Lifetime Movie. Still have to find out how that damn thing ended.

We spent Saturday night in as well, wrapped up in our Snuggies, and enjoyed some wine and S'mores by the fire. Then we decided "We must dance!" So we put on the music channels and danced around the house with Wrigs. Surprisingly, Tom did not partake in any dancing and went up to bed. We danced and danced then it was time for Snuggie self portraits.

Wrig's fat ass got in the way of this one...


For some reason, when you put the Snuggie over your head it makes you bow and pray.



Rebecca got her FIRST Chumley bite this weekend. It's really amazing when you think about it because she's been around this cat for the duration of his life and though he's chased, slapped and hissed at her, he had never bit her until now. In Chum's defense she was standing in the "No leg zone" which is the area between the dining room table and kitchen stools (Karen knows it well) so really she was asking for trouble. BUT, Sunday morning as she was getting ready to leave Chum meowed outside her bathroom door and she opened it up (she is brave) and he waltzed in and licked her hand. She was even able to pet him for a bit too. Then of course his tough guy image kicked in so he hissed at her and took off.

Oh we also celebrated Wrig's birthday. He had peanut butter carob cake:


that he couldn't wait to eat...


And Chum enjoyed some too...



It was a fabulous weekend and today while driving Beck to the airport, it was snowing. The snowflakes were so big, they looked like saltine crackers falling from the sky. It was also very windy and when we got back home we lost power. Poor Chum was so cold because he didn't have the warmth of his heated bed. It's back on now, hopefully for good. Have an interesting week ahead so am trying my best to relax and quiet my mind for the rest of the evening.

Ommmmmmmm.

Happy 3rd Birthday Wrigs

(pic taken last year at his birthday bash)

Because of our move (and the fact that Wrigs really only has one friend here) there'll be no big party like last year or the year before but we enjoyed a brisk walk to the little coffee house and shared a snack waffle. AND Wrigley doesn't know this yet, but his Auntie Rebecca is in town visiting from Chicago for the weekend!!! I'm leaving in a few to pick her up so he'll be soooooooo excited to see her. We'll have a bone cake for him and party hats and kazoos (as per Rebecca's suggestion).

Here's another link to last year's party preps. It was soooo much fun putting his bash together. He misses all his doggie friends and brother Casey and cousin Chloe.

At least he still has Chumley.

Silly Time

I dance around with the animals and change the refrain to this song to "WRRRRRRIGS...Give me your blanket nowwwwwwww!" He prances around with the blanket in his mouth as I chase him around the house.


And Chum looks away in disgust.


Just a Tuesday night.