A letter to Beverly, From Wrigley

(as a result of this)

BEVERLY,

I saw the photos you sent to my brother Chumley (I hacked into his email) and I think they are very, very naughty. You can't come dressed that way to our house. No way.

I have a girlfriend and her name is Ruth and she will not be happy with you parading around half naked flaunting your seven nipples. If you try to disrobe at any point while you are here I will throw my Snuggie on you.

Here's a picture of Ruth. She's really stunning.

I also have a boyfriend, his name is Norm but I don't think he'd mind seeing your nipples so let's just forget about him for right now.

Anyway, Chumley wanted me to tell you he's really looking forward to your visit.

Fondly,
WRIGLEY

ATTENTION THOSE IN DALLAS, TEXAS

(and surrounding areas too!)

My friend Jane is looking for a good home for her sweet cat Shadow. Please see below and if you know anyone looking to adopt a cat, please pass along. I know there are quite a few animal lovers out there so I thought I would use this blog as a way to reach out because you just never know. Shadow is an 8 year old male.



Meet Shadow! He's a big lover boy who loves to snuggle and sunbathe.
He's good with other cats and dogs, but would prefer to be the center
of attention and be in a home where he's king of the castle without
any other furry friends. Because he's such a big boy (approximately 18
pounds), he doesn't know his own strength and is not good with little
children. Shadow has slightly elevated liver functions and takes a
half a pill to keep them regulated daily. These pills are very
inexpensive and he takes them very easily without putting up any kind
of a fight. He loves to snuggle and purr. We have a new baby in the
home, and unfortunately, he has not adjusted well. I would love to
find him a new home where he will be loved on and cared for. Please
e-mail me with any questions at janebrauscher@gmail.com.

homeless

I see you
But then, I quickly turn away.
Afraid our eyes will meet
And connect our hearts.
Why are you here?
Where is your home? Family?
Have you ever felt love before?
I don't want to think of you
Cold and hungry in the darkness of night.
You deserve so much more
What can I do?
I've now met your gaze
And feel hopeless.
All I can do
Is offer you love.
A pat on the head,
You are loved, sweetheart.
You are loved.

The battle over the new toy

The concert

was a lot of fun.

But pics did not turn out so good.


Need to be better prepared for next time.

Mr. Lucky is a FABULOUS album. Was worth the 7 year wait!

tonight

Is the Chris Isaak concert and I am thrilled to bits! His latest album, Mr. Lucky is awesome.

Here is one of my favs:

We've Got Tomorrow

Best played REALLY loud.

And for a little more mellow mood this song is perfect:

Breaking Apart

I'm not a fan of country music at all and I don't think this really classifies as true country even though it sort of has that sound. I just love his lyrics, the melodies and of course his smooth as silk voice. Sooooo excited for tonight!

dirty little secret (update to an update!)

ALERT! ALERT! I do NOT like the Buddy Rinse Conditioner. Used it today and the smell was not the same smell as the spray when applying to wet hair. Sort of smelled like it at first but then had a meat sort of smell. Not only that, I didn't like the way my hair dried after using it. My hair doesn't smell bad now that it's dry, but it's very dull, not shiny at all and limp. I still do LOVE the Spray but I'm only going to use the rinse on those with fur in this house. Tom???

------

Wrigs and I went to the pet store to get the animal's essentials so of course I had to stop at the shampoo/spray area and check out some more of the goodies. I'm opening bottles, sniffing them, then showing them to Wrigs so he could have a sniff too, (didn't want to appear too obvious that I'm buying this stuff for myself) and I found Buddy Rinse Conditioner, in the same scent as the spray. I popped it in my cart and headed over to the register. The sales girl says to me, "Oh have you tried the shampoo on him?" I tell her that no I think we'll just stick with the conditioner for now. Then she says, "The stuff smells so good I want to use it on my own hair." I think, should I go there?? Oh what the hell so I say, "Well actually, I'm buying this to try myself." I wait for strange looks but get none. She says, "I know people who do that. One of the girls who works here uses the spray on her hair all the time." I blurt out, "I LOVE THE SPRAY! I use it all the time and that is why I'm buying the conditioner!" She laughs at me and says, "Did you know there's also a bar soap?" I tell her, "SHUT UP I NEED IT NOW" and she takes me back over to the aisle. But unfortunately, the bar soap is sold out. Now I'm starting to wonder how many people are really using this stuff on their dogs. I think the secret's out. Has anyone been able to find it yet? If so, please let me know what you think! It's delicious.

Oh and I'll let you know how I like the Buddy Rinse, probably within the next 3 days or so.





Since I'm a lazy ass and don't like to wash/dry/style my hair unless birds start taking up residence... I read somewhere that it's damaging to the hair follicles if you wash your hair too often so I typically wash and dry no more than 3 times a week. When my hair starts to get icky I use a conditioning spray that works WONDERS and makes it smell fresh and clean while adding a little sheen to the surface.

This spray is only sold in select stores. You won't find it at your high end salons, discount beauty suppliers, drugstores, Targets, etc. Nope, none of those places will carry it. But waltz into your local pet store and low and behold there it is...

Buddy Splash Pet Spritzer

My favorite is the Lavender Mint splash and I'm usually not a fan of lavender but it's so subtle and is one of the cleanest smelling sprays I've ever tried. Oh and Wrigs likes it too! Our local pet store carries it for $5.95 and I'm tempted to try some of the other scents.

I'll bring Wrigs along as my decoy.

this is toooooooooo cute!

I love when he squeaks towards the end. What a baby!

Vacuum Cleaner Blow out

Since there seems to be an abundance of highly depressing news lately I thought I'd switch gears and focus on something a little less critical but still not very uplifting. Vacuuming. But to be more specific, vacuuming small throw rugs and bath mats. Does anyone else have a knock down drag out fight with their vacuum when attempting to vacuum these tiny little plots of hell? I absolutely DREAD it and I have to mentally psyche myself up before I flip on the switch and begin that nightmare process. I even try different techniques such as picking up the vacuum, placing it on the rug/mat then allowing it to suck up the area it's resting on without even moving it, then shutting off the vacuum, moving it a centimeter so it can suck up the next spot but inevitably this ends up in disaster and half the fricking rug gets sucked inside and I'm yanking on the son of the bitch vacuum soooo hard that I end up either hurting my neck from the whip lash when the rug finally releases or the kick back from the force of the vacuum causes it to slam down on my foot. This is why I never, ever EVER will vacuum barefoot EVER again. Oh and then there's the noise the vacuum starts to make when you suck up the rug, it's like a high pitched whining sound and sometimes I just yell so loud, "SHUT UP YOU WHORE!" and Tom will know that I mean business and stays out of my way. Then the whole room starts to smell like burnt hair and that is when I purposely kick the vacuum down to the ground so it's laying on its back and I calmly say "You're dead to me" and walk away.

Time to wash my pits and splash cold water on my face. I feel better already.

prayers

are with those affected by the wild fires in southern California and for the families of the 2 firefighters who were killed. This is just a recurring nightmare that plays over and over and over this time of year. Just completely horrifying for those in its path. So devastating.

"Don't Drink the Orange Juice"

that's what my mom told me right now but she really means, "Don't Drink the Kool- Aid."

momism

mom:
"Hi honey, wanted to let you know that I ordered you and Tom some breasts from QVC." (at this point I'm thinking WTF but didn't interrupt, she continues) "They look delicious and should arrive by the 27th. Share some with your friends. They are parmesan breaded chicken breasts." (Thank goodness. I knew at some point this would make sense)

Can't wait for my box o' breasts to arrive!

you say tomato

I say...waste of money!

what you are looking at is the result of 3 topsy turvy tomato plant attempts. Coupled with a $158 water bill I'd say this crop was a big fat bust. Not sure what to do with this one tomato though. I feel as though it should be honored seeing it's the only viable source of food that sprung from the plant's loins. Maybe I'll make the world's smallest bloody mary. For Chumley.

since you've been gone

Tom and I like to make up stupid songs for each other. If we hear a song on the radio or on our pod we'll change the lyrics around to poke fun at or be mean to each other. All in fun. Most of the time.

So earlier today there was a segment on tv about Kelly Clarkson and they played a clip of Since You've Been Gone. Instantly Tom busts into his own rendition with:

"Since you've been gooooooone, I've had nothing but a GREAT TIME!"

He looked at me then laughed. I said that wasn't very nice and followed with:

"Since you've been gooooooone, I don't seeeeee anymore-black-socks-on-the-floor!" (I incorporated some dance moves too, while pointing at random socks strewn all over the closet/bedroom floor)

then he shouts out,

"Since you've been gooooooone, there's no more haaaaair stuck to the shower wall!"

so naturally I continue with:

"Since you've been gooooooone, I can't find a single nose hair in the sink!"

he tried not to laugh because he KNOWS this is SO TRUE and then came back with:

"Since you've been gooooooone, I get laaaaaid ALL the TIME!"

*crickets, crickets*

Yeah, we're done with this song.

stuck on the sh*tter again

when you spend 1/3 of your day in the bathroom you have a LOT of time to think about nonsense or make up stupid songs. I guess I like to do a combo of both.

Here is today's little ditty sung to the tune of "Stuck in the Middle with You":

Stuck on the Shitter Again

well I don't know why I ate that tonight
I got the feeling that something ain't right
I'm so scared I'm gonna crap in my chair
and I wonder do I have clean underwear??
TP to the left of me
magazines to the right, here I am
stuck on the shitter again.

yes I'm stuck on the shitter again,
and I wonder if I'll be here til 10.
it's so hard to keep a smile on my face
when my bowels explode all over the place
spray to the left of me
candles to the right, here I am,
stuck on the shitter again.

(my dream is to get some cartoon software and make little videos for all of my crazy songs. don't worry they're not all about poop)

not so politically correct

but I was irritable.

Tom and I ate an early lunch in town and within minutes I had some SERIOUS stomach issues. We had walked to the restaurant and now had about a mile and a half walk back home. We're both rushing (and I'm clenching) and on the sidewalk we're log jammed behind a large Asian family (large as in quantity of people, not size). These people just decided to stop right there and block any and all walking room. Frustrated I said out loud, "MOVE IT, Jon and Kate plus 8!" They still didn't move so we side winded into the street AND traffic to pass them.

Tom says I need to collect myself and keep those thoughts in my head from now on.

I say, not so much.

Wrigs Spa Day

Tom asks, "DOYOUWAHFLOWAHHHH???"

SBF

For the past month or so I've had what I like to call, "Severe Brain Fog." What is Severe Brain Fog or SBF? Well if my brain wasn't so foggy I'd be able to tell you in precise terms but since I can barely hold a thought I'll just cite some examples.

-Several days ago Wrigs and I drove into town, parked and walked to tend to our errands. Dry cleaning, bank, pharmacy, pet store, things like that. Well when I got back to the car, I put Wrigs in the back and then I got in and sat in the passenger seat. I checked my phone, answered a text and then thought, wait a second, I DROVE HERE! The area where I parked was bustling with lunch time crowds so rather than look like a moron and get out of the car and walk over to the driver's side I rummaged through the glove compartment as though I sat there purposely trying to find a map, tire gauge or what not. Then after grabbing an old pen and moving it into the center console I straddled the shifter and casually slid into the driver's seat.

-I was on some strong antibiotics because when I was back in Chicago en route to Pittsburgh, I got some nasty bug. I ended up having to go to Urgent Care and when the doctor took a throat swab the top of the q-tip was covered in dark red blood. Still don't know what it was (wasn't strep) but the doctor was concerned and put me on a high dose of antibiotics. This is when things really kicked into high gear. It wasn't so bad in the mornings but for whatever reason (wine) my night time dose really messed me up. I started seeing these blobby faces in my tea, in noodles, and even when I'd close my eyes. It got so bad one night that the face in my tea had teeth and was chewing at me. I threw the glass and the rest of the bottle of tea down the drain because of the sticky faces I saw.

-And then this morning I was making coffee as I do just about every morning and instead of pouring water into the coffee pot I poured it halfway full of milk. Thankfully I realized what I did before I poured the milk into the coffee maker because that would have been a pain in the ass to clean out. I know I'm not old but isn't this a sign of what old age is kind of like? (Aside from the hallucinations which I think were caused by an intolerance to the meds.)

Oh and one of the worst things I EVER did was just the other night. Tom and I were out til about 11:45pm trying to watch the meteors. Chum n Wrigs were with us then Tom and Wrigs went inside and I followed shortly after...but I forgot about Chum. Poor guy was outside on the deck ALL NIGHT in the cold and rain til 7:30 the next morning. Never in the 15 years of owning this cat have I ever left him outside like this. If anything would have happened to him I could never have forgiven myself.

Anyway, just wanted to share my SBF issues on here. I really want to update more and may have to do blogging like I do my facebook updates, random snippets of nonsense here and there. That seems to be the only way I can function/communicate lately.

sisters

Yesterday, was her birthday.
I never met her, but I feel her presence through my mom's sadness,
On the day of her birth and again on her death-
And many days in between.
There should have been 3 of us,
But it didn't turn out that way.

Sunday funny

"I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod."

(sent to me via email from my friend Rebecca - this did not really happen to me, just wanted to clarify!)