I was a mean little sister.

I'm having the seniors put together a book about their life, something they can pass along to their children, grandchildren, great grandchildren. They're writing about significant moments, people, and memories that have shaped who they are today. This is something we can all start doing now, why wait til our golden years? I'm doing my own book and will share a brief chapter on terrorizing my sister.

I have a sister named Beth who is 7 years older than me - that's a big difference when you're growing up. While I was cutting the hair off my Barbies, she'd come home hammered from a night out with friends and pass out in her bed. My parents would get so upset and my mom would purposely vacuum her room at 7:00 the next morning, slamming the vacuum into her bed while Beth's trying her best not to hurl. Her punishment would be to stay in her room, no TV, no phone and I'd shove graham crackers or saltines under her door, anything that was flat enough to fit because she needed to eat. I can totally remember sliding a graham cracker half way under and then it would disappear in a flash as she swiped it from the other side. Then I'd hear munching and she'd say in a meek voice, "more." I used to torment my sister, not sure why, she was really good to me. She was scared to death of bugs (and of course, still is) and some mornings while she was asleep (hungover) I'd crawl in her room and leave a trail of fake ants across her bedroom floor, marching them into a giant glob under her bed straight down from her pillow. I would even put some food in the middle (like a cracker crumb) to make it look they were falling all over each other trying to feast and then I'd sneak into her room and scream, "OH MY GOD!" and point at the trail. She'd shoot out of bed like the house was on fire and she'd swear at the top of her lungs, "HOLY F*CKING SH*T LAURA!! WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT???" I'd burst out laughing then she'd fall back into bed trying to get her breathing under control while telling me I have serious problems. Sometimes I would do this with cockroaches and spiders too. We had a lot of fake bugs around the house, thanks to my Dad. Another time when she was laying out in our front yard (because our back yard was too shaded we were not exhibitionists) I snuck out of the house in my Dad's trench coat, big rubber boots and wore panty hose over my face so it was all distorted and then put on a big black hat with black leather man gloves. She was laying on the lawn chair, eyes closed, listening to music when I suddenly appeared over her with a growl approaching her neck like I was going to strangle her. She let out a blood curdling scream and just froze in place - didn't even try to run away. I fell to the ground in fits of laughter while she tried to catch her breath, again cursing my name and telling me I need to get serious help. That would make me laugh even harder. One of my favorite times though was when she was out way past curfew and my parents were asleep and didn't know. I turned her tv on in the bedroom so there was dim flickering light and put one of my Dad's big outdoor gloves on a bended hanger sticking out of her closet door and then I went to my room and waited. A bit later, I heard her quietly tip toeing up the stairs (we had a couple squeaky steps so you had to go very slow and know just where to put your feet) and then two seconds later, I hear the scream. I hid under my covers laughing and then felt bad because my Dad woke up thinking someone broke in the house and when he realized what happened, my sister got punished for coming home late. I felt bad about that but made it up to her by shoving crackers under the door the next morning.

I'm lucky she still talks to me.


(My Dad looks like a giant in this photo. I think our furniture was just really small. And I'm not so sure about the fit of his pants. Gotta love the 70's!)

update on Rose

I haven't talked much about the situation at the senior center with "Rose" the woman who has been homeless for almost a year. Reason being, I'm frustrated, mostly with myself because there is nothing I can do (short of moving her into our home.) When I first met with Rose and we talked one on one she seemed comfortable and mentally stable. She shared a lot with me and it started to feel like a therapist/patient relationship which was a bit concerning because a lot of the things she would tell me, I had no idea how to handle. I had done some research on shelters and church based organizations for the homeless, all of which she claimed had already "been there, done that" and would never return. I didn't know what else to do, some of the people at the center advised it would be best to pull back a little because they felt that Rose would get too attached and subsequently upset because I was not offering up my home as an option. So that's what I did and have been doing. And it feels pretty shitty.

The woman who I work for has been keeping me informed on any progress made with the social workers and psychologist and it turns out Rose was diagnosed with Asperger's. The thing about this is that she qualifies for government aid and can live in a state run facility but again she won't go. And now she's been asking a few people if they would let her stay in their homes and when they gently refuse she gets really angry and has had some major meltdowns. After class I used to mill around and visit with people or sit and have lunch but lately I've been nervous because if I see Rose I just don't know what to say anymore. I'm avoiding the situation because I'm afraid she's going to ask to come home with me. I can't blame her for asking people to take her in - homeless shelters and institutions are typically not ideal places to live, but those are the options available to her at this time and if she does not want them then that is her decision and there's not much more to do.

So why do I still feel like a horse's ass?

I always feel like...

somebody's watching meeeee!

Wrigs at the vet

This is the moment he realized, "Oh crap, it's this place!"

Poor guy. He had a pretty traumatic experience today. Struggled and fussed as 4 technicians and the doc tried to hold him down for xrays. It just wasn't going to happen. They got 2 somewhat readable ones, but I'll need to bring him back again sometime soon for the rest. The good news is his hips look good so that is a relief. Doesn't mean we can rule out hip dysplasia forever but at least there aren't any tell tale signs at this age. When I picked him up to bring him home he came barreling out of the exam room door almost knocking me over with licks to the face and high pitched cries. Then he made a bee line for the main door and kept pulling me while I tried to pay the bill. He wanted out of there. He's been sleeping a lot and actually now as I type this he is having another nightmare. He's squealing and twitching. Not sure if I should wake him up or let him sleep through it. Oh I can't stand it- he's breathing really heavy now. I'm going to wake him up.

Prayers for my sister

She's been in surgery since 8 this morning. Procedure was supposed to take 2 hours and it's now been 3.5 and still no update. My mom and brother in law are together waiting at the hospital and I'm sitting by the phone feeling an ulcer develop as I type.

Positive thoughts, vibes, prayers, whatever you can offer are appreciated.

Thank you.

golf, golf everywhere

Tom was using my lap top and I saw this strange message on the screen when he gave it back to me:

My first thought was "What the hell is a super deep?" It sounds very naughty. And then I see the "Tp tri" and I'm thinking maybe he's looking for super strength toilet paper? Which in this house, would make sense. But then at the bottom of the question I see it's about a DRIVER.

I'm glad that he has golf as an outlet because he needs it. And he doesn't care if it's pouring rain, sleet or snow, he will be out there no matter what. I asked him the other day, "What would you do if the courses were closed when it rains?" And he said without hesitation, "Move."

He was kidding. I think.

yet another golf show

"Someone" in this house is a bit too excited about this new show on the golf channel. He really seems to like the bikini shot interviews. I tell him we can NOT add another golf channel show to our television line up.

His response?

"Well I'll just watch it upstairs, alone...in bed."

If you give a puck...

then watch this!

GO HAWKS!

(totally jumped on the bandwagon for this but heck when you're from Chicago you have to celebrate a team that can actually win something!)

sheer white curtains

This is for those of you who have either commented on here, sent emails or facebook messages about suffering through the dark days of Seattle. Thank you for sharing your struggles and offering up suggestions. It helps to know we're in this together. :O)

So here is something I want to share with you. I went to Target and bought a bunch of ultra bright white sheer panels. They are $4.99 a piece and let me tell you, they really brighten up a room. I bought 6 of them and they really do add light. Makes these Juneary days a little less miserable, sort of.

I also bought that Beach Party candle, (you know, the one that almost killed me) and at first I LOVED it, it really did smell like the beach and sun tan lotion and all things tropical, but then about 20 minutes later I felt sick to my stomach and got a HORRIBLE headache. It's ok if you just leave the lid off and subtly catch a whiff as you walk by but lighting it is another story. Just thinking about the smell makes me feel sick again. Proves the point that it's virtually impossible to try and re-create nature but God willing when it comes to sunlight I'm going to keep trying!

Get these panels though. You won't be disappointed.

last night

While Tom's trying to sleep I'm laying next to him typing away on my lap top, Wrigs is laying between us chomping on this rubber toy (the squeaker is out but it still makes this annoying sucky sucky noise every time he bites down on it) and Chumley jumps off the bed onto his bear and humps him in plain sight while howling those primal cries of passion. Tom puts a pillow over his head and says, "I'm TRYING to sleep!"

I start laughing and then the bed starts shaking and the more he tells me to stop laughing the harder I laugh and the more shaking there is. He says, "I'm going to start sleeping in the other room." He gets up and grabs his pillow. I say, "Don't you dare, that's not good for a marriage. Plus, we'll all just follow you in there. There's no escaping us." Wrigs and Chum are now staring at Tom.

He slams back on the bed and shouts, "I LIVE IN A NUT HOUSE!"

Target

I'm creating an atmosphere of summer in my home so today I stopped at Target to get a beach smelling candle. Yep they have candles that smell like the beach so you can bring the beach to you anytime you want! So I found the candle and picked up the big one and took off the lid off to smell it and decided it was delightful but wanted to buy a smaller size. I put the big one back and picked up the smaller one (by the lid) and the lid popped right off and the jar crashed to the ground shattering the glass to bits. I felt my legs tingle a little, and then when I walked to find someone the side of my foot hurt. Of course there was no one close by so I'm limping around trying to find a red shirt to get a broom so people don't step on glass. I finally found a guy and told him what happened and he was pissed as we walked back to the candle aisle. I told him that I was going to buy the candle, I wasn't just testing it and he looked at the mess and said, "Stay here!" So I stood there waiting for him to return with a broom and as he swept I said to him, "I was going to buy that candle, I wasn't just smelling it. But the lid wasn't on all the way." No response he just continued to sweep. I reached for another candle and said, "I'll make sure to grab this one by the jar because the lid on that one wasn't on all the way. Maybe they should be taped down." Still nothing so finally I said "Ok then. I'm going to go now." And I gently put the candle in my cart and hobbled away leaving a few droplets of blood. Hope he knew I was cut.

Then as I was leaving the store I'm still kind of walking funny because I could really feel the glass in the side of my foot and my legs stung, when this punk kid ran past me and said, "You're too slow!" He was laughing so it wasn't like he was being an asshole about it so I said, "I have glass in my legs." I don't think he understood what I was saying because next he asked if I had a hybrid car so he probably thought I said something about gas, who knows.

Oh ok one thing that bugs me at Target or any grocery store for that matter: when you first walk in and grab the sanitizing wipe to clean off the handle of the cart, the cart is still pushed into all the other carts and will not become dislodged but you keep struggling because you just spent time thoroughly wiping off all the germs so you MUST HAVE THIS CART! It happens all the time. Why out of the 13 rows to choose from, always, the one you pick needs the jaws of life to get it unstuck. You seriously need to psyche yourself up to tackle the sea of carts. So then you give up on that one, grab another wipe and before it makes contact with any cart, you test for non jammed in carts and when you find one you yank it apart from the others, usually jarring your neck in the process but once freed, THEN you wipe it down. And sometimes when I'm pulling on a cart someone will offer me one but I don't like to take it if someone just used it cuz then the handle's all warm and sometimes moist and that skeeves me out. Like sitting on a warm toilet seat. Ick.


My Grandmother calls Target, "Targets."

recycling bins

Our recycle bin gets picked up every other Monday. More often than not when Tom and I are driving home on Mondays and we start to get close to our neighborhood we'll see recycle bins out at the end of a few driveways and we'll say, "Morons. Recycling is next week." (all in fun, of course) And then we realize, "Wow, everyone has their recycle bins out."

Who's the moron now.

Sweet golden boy

This morning when I let Wrigs out he was outside for a long time, which is unusual. I called for him to come in and no response. I put on my boots and headed down the steps to the yard and was starting to panic when I didn't see him. Then I walked to the side of the house and saw him laying on the ground licking something. He saw me, and looked up for a second and then gently went back to licking the ground. When I got closer I realized he was licking the back of a dead baby bird ever so gently. I had to pull him by the collar to get him away because he didn't want to leave the bird. He is the most loving, sensitive dog I've ever known (next to Newman). I thought to myself, "What did I do to deserve him? He is such a blessing." and then the next thought??? CHUMLEY. Wrigley is the balance to the little universe inside our home. The ying to the yang, the light in the darkness, the angel to the demon. So I guess we know what that makes Chum.

If Chum wasn't an indoor cat I would have thought he killed the bird in the first place.

Rest in peace sweet baby bird. One very sweet dog is thinking about you.

Dear Zachary

I watched this film twice, first by myself and then now with Tom and both times felt like I just finished running a mentally exhausting marathon. If you're up for pushing your emotional limits, then I recommend this documentary.

doll speak

On our 10 year anniversary Tom bought me a doll house. It was right around the time we found out about moving to Seattle so I haven't yet done much to it. When I returned this morning from my "day of thinking" retreat, he had it set up on the coffee table, with a roaring fire in the background, and he was going to install the electrical system. It was really sweet. We took the husband and wife doll and instead of talking to each other, used them to communicate and it went something like this:



wife:
Why do we live in a house with no walls?

husband:
Why are you wearing a cloth on your boobs?

wife:
I'm pretending it's summer. Why is your hair plastered to your face?

(Tom, real husband, not the doll, puffs up his hair and says, "It's from my golf cap." I say "Not you, him." and point to the doll. He says, "Oh." and goes back to his doll - he's obviously never played with dolls, but not that I'm complaining.)

husband:
Why do we only have 50 lbs of flour to eat? When was the last time you shopped for groceries?

wife:
Friday but you'd have to be here to eat it. Why is golf always on TV???

husband:
It's a tournament. Why do you have cankles??

(the real me says: "WHAT?")

(Tom says, "Not you. Her." and points to the doll.)

Likely story.

The exchange ended with wife doll picking up sack of flour and hurling it at husband doll's head.



Therapy comes in many forms.

Cutting the cord

I went to Bette's yesterday afternoon, ended up going alone because Tom's golf ran long (SHOCKING) but it's fine. I really wanted them to meet but there will be other opportunities, unless of course golf is involved. ANYWAY, I went to Bette's house for about an hour and 40 minutes. In the first half hour or so, I had my phone on vibrate and every few moments it would buzz. She asked what it was and I told her about text messaging. She was fascinated by it, as I was when I first discovered it about 7 or 8 years ago. So I explained to her that it's a way of communicating just like email but it comes through to your phone and shows up on your screen. She asked, "Why do you need that?" At first I thought oh well it's really important if you're running late or have to ask someone a question or just want to tell them something you might forget later. And then I realized ok 90% of my texts are never because of those things. They are mostly random statements about random things and are definitely not mission critical. "I'm wearing flip flops!" or "Wow Chumley just took the biggest dump!" is not going to change anyone's life. So Bette and I and went back to talking and sharing and again the buzz buzz buzzing kept going. I silenced my phone because it was distracting and annoying and for the next hour and 10 minutes I never checked it once. We bid our goodbyes and when I got in the car I had 34 new messages and had a message stating my text messages are full which means I need to delete some before others can be received. Sitting in Bette's driveway I'm trying to respond to the messages as fast as I can which began the vicious cycle of deleting, responding, new message! and again responding, deleting, new message! I could feel my heart start to race as I tried to keep up for a good 20 minutes before I realized how ridiculous this whole thing was and how since moving here I have become so attached to this stupid thing. I thought about Bette's question again regarding texting, "Why do you need that?" And right then and there was my answer, "I don't." A good portion of my life is tied to technology and sometimes it feels like running inside a hamster wheel. I deleted the rest of the messages and gave this more thought on other aspects of my life. Then I did something I have never done before and drove to a little Bed & Breakfast about a mile or so from my house and checked in, alone. I shut off my phone and literally disconnected from the world to just sit and think and not distract myself from the nonsense noise that I helped to create. The good news is, this is within my control and recognizing that made me feel lighter. I sat in the rocker with a glass of wine and did nothing but think and write out my thoughts with ZERO distractions for the rest of the day. And what came out was pretty fascinating. Tom came and joined me for a glass but then went back home because we both felt strongly this was something I needed to do for a while now. I continued to write alone in my little room and felt at peace.

I realized a lot about how I live my life during this little getaway and the one change I am going to make right now is to break away from the ties of technology. I've never been one who enjoys talking on the phone but I understand it's important and will allow for that when necessary. But I don't need texting. No one needs to be connected 24/7. Not to say I don't enjoy feeling close to friends and family, especially those far away, but somehow I survived 30 years without it and I want to live that way again. I'm home now and am actually enjoying time with Tom and the animals and never once felt the compulsion to dial in to technology. Well, I guess except for blogging about this right now, but really, it feels good - like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Or maybe that's from the hour massage but hey, either way I'll take it!

tid bits

I keep forgetting that I'm not supposed to kill the ants! Do you know how hard that is? There aren't a lot of them right now, just a sparse few on the counters and in the sink but I ran the faucet so wash them down and realized crap! They're supposed to eat the poison, sorry guys :(, to take back to the queen so they must be kept alive. Oh well 3 down this morning.

Tom had a whirlwind week of travel and returned late last night and I asked him if he didn't mind going to Bette's house today for a visit and to help her around her house (not our neighbor Betty, this is Bette one of my senior students who fell and broke her femur a couple months ago.) He said "Sure." He is so kind and always giving of himself. Bette just recently got a chair lift installed in her house and told me that she wants me to take a ride in it. She is so damn cute - I adore her personality. Until her leg fully heals she can't make it to the senior center so I'll visit her weekly to continue with our creative writing assignments. While she was in rehab we did our work over the phone because it helped keep her mind active when her body could not be. She wrote a story about attending nursing school in Oregon at the age of 18 and how she would sneak off to the woods with her boyfriend where they could "be bad." I didn't ask what her definition of bad entailed, maybe it was just hand holding back in those days, but knowing Bette, I'm guessing it was a bit more involved than that. I'll get more details in person I hope!

Now I'm going to make some muffins and fruit salad to bring to Bette and I certainly hope these odorous ants stay out of my way. I wonder if they would taste like coconut too?

We awoke to a day without dark clouds and rain and I feel good. No aches, no mental fog, just an overall feeling of peace and wellness. How I have missed this! Supposed to be sunny all day before the rain returns tomorrow so I will bask in it whilst I can.

And I'll leave you with this pic of Wrigs I took the day the clouds parted, Memorial day afternoon. I just love looking at it, it makes me smile.

:O)

Insect inside

We need insecticide for our insect inside. Is that where they came up with the name insecticide???

This guy was hanging out in our guest bath for a couple days. (Let's kindly ignore the slime/soap scum all over the walls. It's been a while since we've had any visitors and due to the spiderland that is our lower level, I opt to not spend too much time down there - unless of course, we have house guests.)



So now here's the big guy safely behind the plastic. The pest control guy said he is as big as they get around here and as you can see he even shriveled up a little since the above photo - that's because he was stuck in the shower and hadn't eaten for a few days. Poor guy. I asked if he might have been anyone's pet that may have wandered out of his terrarium and he didn't think so but assured me that he wouldn't kill him and would let him go outside far, far away from my home so he could find a feast of bugs in the forest. Happy ending for all.

We have also been blessed with odorous ants. They invaded our kitchen over the weekend and I thought I could take care of them with a few squirts of counter spray but that's not working out so well. The reason they're called odorous ants is that when they're crushed they exude a rotten coconut smell. Don't ever say you didn't learn anything from reading this blog.


So these guys run all over countertops, crawl out of the garbage disposal and climb the walls under the sink. Pest people put out some gel bait and warned me that the invasion is going to get a lot worse and that we are not supposed to kill them because they have to eat the poison and carry it back to the queen and kill the rest of the colony. We'll have 2 waves of colonies coming through (when they told me this I couldn't help but think of Jamestown and the early settlers and these ants dressed in george washington wigs shouting "no taxation without representation" in high squeaky voices) but within 10 days or so they should start to die off. So basically while I'm cooking meals I'll just sit there and watch the ants crawl all over our cookware and foodstuffs. DIET.

Good thing my Christmas party was last weekend. Yes, I had a Christmas party on Sunday, the day before Memorial Day. We set up lights, a tree even put the wreath back on the door and 2 little trees outside and played carols. After 10 minutes of Christmas music the guests got hostile and demanded I put on something else. We feasted on hot comfort foods, atop holiday plates and enjoyed red and green M&M's. (I just picked out the rest of the colors cuz it's not like you can buy Christmas M&M's this time of year. Maybe at some dollar stores you can but I didn't go looking that hard for them.) Anyway, doesn't look like we'll be entertaining any time soon as long as these rotten coconut stinkers are around.

Happy New Year!!

Juneary

I'm going to take a guess that the person/people who discovered this land mass along the Puget Sound, did so in the summer time, and they started construction to build the city and then fall/winter/spring hit and they said, "Oh shit, what did we do."

It's not unusual to get a month of rain/drizzle/showers/ all the terms sound the same to me, it's just wet stuff.





Here's that gray tarp I was trying to describe, pretty in the movies, but not when you spend your life underneath it. Claustrophobes Beware!



I think the meditations have been helping cuz I'm not in that dark place, in fact I feel like we're living in some sort of science experiment, testing our limits to see how much longer til we all snap and I now have this morbid curiosity about the weather patterns here and what causes this to happen. I never knew a pocket like this existed before and at this point (or at least for today, because it's June 4 and not yet 50 degrees) all I can do is laugh. hahahahohohohohehehehhehheeee

Newman

Rest in peace sweet beautiful boy.

I loved visiting you (and my cousins) and spoiling you. I loved snuggling you, laying in your dog bed. I loved your personality, your willingness to always please. I love you Newmie. You will be missed.

conversations with Tom

me:
So why can't they just blast through the mountains so the clouds have a way of escaping this part of the world...this so called CONVERGENCE ZONE?!?

Tom:
Laura, they don't salt the streets when it snows because they might kill a toad so I doubt they would blow up a mountain range.

me:
I'm not saying they have to blow through an entire range, they could just blast enough to make like an alley and then the rain clouds would be able to blow on through and leave this place.

Tom:
I think you'd need some giant fans to move these clouds.

me:
Now you're thinking!! Who can we write to? The President? Who can do this???

Tom:
I think he's busy with the oil spill.

me:
Well as soon as that's plugged, they need to get the F**K out here and do something!

Tom:
Ok, ok. Write your letter.

thought purge

I wanted to get some thoughts/feeling out while I'm somewhat able to think a bit clearer because sometimes it's difficult to sit and focus on writing happy things for this blog. It used to come naturally for me as I believe I used to be a happy person. The reason I started this blog was to share happiness with others because I felt I had a lot of it in my heart to give. In fact, I started this blog during a difficult time in my life (5 months after my Dad passed away) which is kind of strange now that I think about it. Let's start a happy blog after the death of a parent, what fun! But I've realized a couple of differences between coping with the death of my father and moving here to Seattle.

First the death of my father is permanent. Unless we opted to freeze him cyrogenically he's not coming back. And even though losing him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with, I was able to process the feelings and emotions associated with death and accept them and continue to move ahead. That doesn't mean I don't miss him every single day, but I don't dwell in the sadness of the loss because there is nothing in my control to change it. I have no other choice but to accept it. Now with moving to Seattle, I keep thinking, it's not permanent, we (or maybe just me) could be on a plane tomorrow and go somewhere else. I have not come to accept this place as home because I still have options out there. I can telecommute and live somewhere else but I know that is not going to best for my marriage. But yet my marriage is not always at its best when I'm living in this constant state of fighting this place so hard. And why do I fight it? Well the plain, simple fact is the weather has severely depressed me. I know sometimes I make light of it and laugh about 13 of the last 14 days straight rain, 40+ degree temps while I'm walking the dog in my mittens and trying to stay dry at the same time...at the end of May. But after living here over a year and a half I have a good enough grasp to know that this is really taking its toll on my mental health.

When we moved out of the midwest to California so many people would say, "Oh you're going to miss those seasons!" Well I thought I would but I didn't. The only time I felt a pang for another season was on Christmas Day, but other than that I never looked back. When we moved here I remember my mom saying, "Oh at least you'll have the seasons again!" And now after living here I don't really see distinctions between the seasons aside from summer. Although the winter of 2008 did get a TON of snow and that was pretty cool, but it was out of the ordinary. I feel like October through March (this year though it's been through May) is pretty much the same season. 40's and 50's (which is great because it's never that cold in the winter, maybe 20's for the absolute low) but just so dark and wet. Now we do get flowers that bloom in what should be spring time and the trees are sooo green and lush but the sky is consistently draped in what feels like a giant gray tarp for many, many months. It is rare to get more than 3 straight days of clear skies during the months of October to March and to me a season is more than just a few days peppered into a month's time. There's that darkness that just hangs in the sky and each day it feels like it's closing in, closer and closer until you can no longer breathe. Could it be scientific and maybe related to barometric pressure in the air that causes one to struggle with breath or is it the fact that the clouds are so visibly low in the sky you feel like you could touch them? Either way it puts my head in such a fog to where I can't think straight and the flood gates of depression have opened and it affects my marriage, my work, and my interactions with others. And that is something new that I'm having a hard time coping with. Maybe I've been prone to this all my life and living here just brought it all out but I never remember feeling this way, even when we lived in Minnesota for those 11 months. And there is nothing like the cold in Minnesota to make one crazy but this is a different crazy, just a heaviness that weighs you down. Just this year alone, it has averaged 21 days a month of rain. And there are times when it will stop and there will be an afternoon beam of sun and believe me I do my best to get out there and soak it in if I can but it's just not enough to sustain my mind and quell those dark thoughts/fears. It got so bad this last Saturday that I had a panic attack and strongly believed that the world was coming to an end because human beings can't live like this and we are all going to die. Now as I type that out here I can sort of see the irrationality in it but I need some way to clear my head from the darkness because I know it will happen again, however irrational it may seem. I strongly feel that if my Dad had passed away while we were living here, I would have never started a blog about Living Happy. I don't think I could have handled his death when I'm overcome with this darkness inside and probably could have done something completely irreversible because when I'm in that funk there seems absolutely no other way out. Everything else you have to deal with seems magnified 100 times and you just want to say F this, it's not worth it. I'm not alone in feeling this way and that should make me feel a little better (not as foreign) but it actually makes me more sad knowing others are struggling so much as well. I tried to prepare myself for living here but anticipating it and living it day in and day out after a year and a half are two completely different things. And if you are not prone to depression this can be difficult to understand but this is a very challenging place to be especially when you have a panic attack just by looking out the window. Wow I didn't expect to write so much on that but as you can tell it's been bubbling up.

So, this weekend after my melt down, we started thinking of ways to deal with this because what I've done thus far is barely keeping me sane. On Sunday, the rain finally stopped early afternoon and then slowly, out came the sun. Tom and I rushed home to get Wrigs and walk him outside and one by one everyone starting opening their doors just standing in their driveways/yards staring up at the sky. It was like something out of children of the corn. I thought how comical the whole scene was, especially for those who LOVE the benefits of the sun but yet have to endure months of darkness to enjoy it. Seattle is a gorgeous landscape when the sun is out, I just feel the many months of depression to get those fleeting moments of feeling good again aren't enough to sustain me. My bones have been aching (another sign of severely lacking in Vitamin D, lucky for Tom, he is too) and I thought it was because I got some of those tone up shoes. Well when the sun came out yesterday my aches and pains started to go away. I felt my body relax, I had ZERO stomach issues and I could again, process and think things through and find solutions/perspective to situations in my life. And that felt soooo good.

There are a couple coffee shops in town I frequent on weekend mornings and have become acquaintances with a few of the regulars. I met this woman back in Feb or March and we started talking about life and she was so down, on the verge of tears. She is going through a messy divorce, has 3 unruly teenagers and is also taking care of an aging parent (or parents, I'm not sure if it was plural). She was so visibly depressed, I really thought she was going to go off the deep end and drive her car off a bridge. I gave her one of my bracelets made with healing beads and told her that I would be praying for her strength through all of the things she is dealing with. I saw her just a few weeks ago and she was a completely different person. I said things must be so much better you are beaming! She told me that no, nothing has changed in her life, things are still the same but she just got back from visiting her sister in Arizona and she feels like a new person. She said as soon as her youngest is through with high school she is going to move there. Just ONE solid week of sun worked wonders for her mind and cleared the negativity in her head and she felt like a new person with a new start. She said her problems are always going to be there but she can cope with them better when she's not so depressed. I know the issues I'm dealing with in my little life are not as drastic as hers but I 100% know where she's coming from. And now that she has a plan in motion she is much more upbeat, light hearted and when I looked at her this time I even thought, she is happy.

Amazing how that works. People benefit tremendously from the vitamins and warmth from the sun. Why else do people retire to warm, sunny places?

So that's where I'm at. I need to come to a place of acceptance but it's still very much a work in progress.

the bachelorette

"Amazing" word count: 24 times at:

8:09
8:10
8:13
8:14
8:19
8:19 (used in same sentence as 8:19)
8:20
8:24
8:24 (again twice in same sentence)
8:30
(was cooking dinner so I may have missed some here, Tom was on word count duty but I don't think he was really into it)
8:42
8:46
8:47
8:47 (said back to back "Amazing, amazing!")
8:53 (said in the tease to the next segment but, still counts)
9:01
9:09
9:09
9:10
9:10
9:12
9:13
9:14
9:26

MAJOR editing error at the end of the show. Weatherman was shown with a rose in his suit before the final rose was given out. Post editor should be FIRED!

And Frank, the goggle wearing guy should really stick to wearing contacts. And what's with the one guy who had the seeping boil on his forehead at the end of the show. Did you see how Ali tried to avoid head to head contact with his boil? This show is so painful to watch for soooo many reasons but I keep coming back every single week!

an ode to the sun

on sunny days,
the world looks brighter
on sunny days,
your load seems lighter

on sunny days,
you smile at strangers
on sunny days,
you're miles from danger

on sunny days,
your heart's at peace
on sunny days,
you greet honeybees

on sunny days,
you think more clearly
on sunny days,
you love sincerely

on sunny days,
it warms your soul
on sunny days,
mind and body are whole

oh my sunny day,
how I love thee
oh sunny day,
please don't leave me

oh my sunny day,
I bask in your rays
oh sunny day,
the darkness is so far away...

If you're worried about pesticides on fruit, soak your fruit in a vat of vodka before eating. I love doing that with grapes. YUM.

it never ends

yet ANOTHER 10 days of this.

You wonder why Seattle has high suicide rates and the highest cases of MS.

Happy F**king Memorial Day weekend.

an ode to the sun

on sunny days,
the world looks brighter
on sunny days,
your load seems lighter

on sunny days,
you smile at strangers
on sunny days,
you're miles from danger

on sunny days,
your heart's at peace
on sunny days,
you greet honeybees

on sunny days,
you think more clearly
on sunny days,
you love sincerely

on sunny days,
it warms your soul
on sunny days,
mind and body are whole

oh my sunny day,
how I love thee
oh sunny day,
please don't leave me

on sunny days
there's no more gray
and the darkness is so far away...

prison sentence

Hopefully parole will begin somewhere around July 5th.


All I can do is laugh. 50 degree temps at the end of May with non stop rain. And this is normal for this time of year which is boggling because I'm convinced we must be breaking records here. I'm trying to accept the fact that it won't warm up until July and any day you see clear skies before then is just a bonus. I struggle with this mentality everyday. It doesn't have to be this way.

These dark rainy days magnify anything negative in your life by 100. If you are prone to depression, this is not the place to be. It can really f*ck with your head and put you in a fog.

And I can't stop thinking/praying/fundraising for the people and wildlife suffering in the gulf. I dwell in the sadness of that horrible disaster and cry for them. Watching the news and seeing the state of our world on top of living here is enough to put one over the edge.

beauty buys

I found an at home hair color kit that I really like. It's by Loreal and it's a 2 parter (which is kind of a pain) but you color first, then dry (I just went to bed) and then in the morning I added the highlights. I refuse to pay $120+ dollars for salon treatments because my hair grows so fast that within 2.5 weeks you can already see my roots, visibly. And I always seem to have more breakage after a salon coloring so for $12, this is a great find.


I'm still going bald though, and I got my Joan River Great Hair Day in the mail and I really don't like it. Tom says it looks horrendous and I kind of have to agree with him. It's not a total wash though because the color I ordered - blonde but it's pretty dark, almost brown- is similar to the eyebrow color that I use so I've been using that on my brows and this will probably last me a lifetime. There is propecia in it though so I hope my brows don't grow into bushy caterpillars. This product smells sooooo good, I don't know what's in it to make it smell this way but I like it.

So I seem to have trouble finding the right deodorant. I've tried all sorts of drug store brands and after a while they just don't seem to work. Then I tried this deodorant lotion from Kiehl's and I don't think it's strong enough. Nordstrom always has this Donna Karan Cashemere Mist deodorant at the check outs and today I decided to try it. I think I put too much on, it's a little strong so tomorrow I'll try cutting back and maybe only do one swipe.

Lately my skin has been looking dull and lifeless and after doing some research online and in person, I'm back to using Clinique's 3 step system. What's funny is that I used to use this back in HIGH SCHOOL! The only thing that bugged me was that big bar of soap but now they make a liquid soap in a pump so it's not as messy. The saleslady told me if I keep this up both day and night there will be a VISIBLE difference in less than 3 months. We'll see, between this and going bald, I need all the help I can get.



Oh and one last thing, my big splurge. My hair is very curly which means its very dry due to blow drying and flat ironing, and for my birthday one of my friends bought me a tube of Kerastase conditioner and I was hooked. I used to use their products regularly but stopped cuz they were too expensive. Well this tube lasted about 6 months mostly because I don't wash my hair everyday and I'd also mix in other conditioners about once a week. So I justified the expense if I could make it last 6 months and went to purchase another one. The man at the salon suggested I try this deep conditioning mask instead, and all I can say is WOW. It makes your hair so soft and silky but you have to purchase these products at accredited salons because if you find them at discount stores, ebay or even online retailers, odds are it's not the same product.

Here's an excerpt taken from the Kerastase site: "Kérastase is only available through our website and Kérastase Consultant Salons. When you see Kérastase for sale anywhere else, this is known as diversion. Diverted products can be counterfeit, diluted formulas, or old, expired formulas that may not be safe to use. Contaminated or counterfeit products could cause irritation or even infection."

(I realize the link to the mask above is taken from one of those discount sites but I'm too tired to change that and also there were reviews on the product which I thought were helpful. Regardless it's not cheap but definitely worth it, especially if you can make it last half the year.)

G'night.

lately...

...I've been shouting, "HI HOUND!" whenever I let Wrigs in from outside. I know my neighbors heard me this morning.

dog speak and such *update*

*So I think I'm going to stop feeding Chum the dog food...

found this under the dining room chair. Then in the middle of cleaning this up Chum starts making those awful guttural hurling sounds and he spewed all over the living room. Poor guy. And yesterday when I came home our house smelled soooo bad but I never found the source. I'm thinking it might have been under the dining room table and Wrigs may have gotten to it shortly thereafter.*

-------

"Wrigs doesn't get a C-O-O after a W-A"

Translation:

"Wrigs doesn't get a cookie after going on a walk."

For those of you who have a dog, you understand this is how you have to speak.

After our walk this evening Wrigley ran to the pantry and started barking. Tom opened the door as if to give him a cookie and that's when those words came out. I went on to say that taking Wrigs for a W-A does not warrant a C-O-O because going on a W-A is already a special T-R (T-R is short for treat which is Chumley's buzz word and Chumley was sitting by the pantry next to Wrigs squawking for a morsel as well) and Wrigs only gets C-O-O's as rewards or after a B-A. (bath) Tom says Fine.

And anytime we give one animal a C-O-O or T-R the other will be right there within mili-seconds either barking or bellowing for their fair share. And always after Wrigs has a bath we'll usually give him a few cookies and maybe even a bone and Chumley will sit, waiting for his treat and of course I always give him a few too and Tom will say, "Why does he get any? He didn't do shit!" And it's true, he didn't get a bath and have to sit through a blow dry or nail trim, but still he gets his T-R's.

We also have a slew of other words specific to the animals but I'll save that for another day.

Chum's back on antibiotics (he woke up the other day not wanting to eat so right away I knew something was off) and his appetite has been pretty light. I've tried a couple different foods mixed in with his existing food and finally found something he LOVES. I was telling my sister about it because she has a finicky older cat with some issues so I went to the fridge to grab the can and give her the name.

I said,

"The brand is Halo and it's called Spot's Stew, and I got him the Chicken recipe. It comes in an orange can and there's a dog on the front. Wait. There's a dog on here?!?"

I'm feeding Chum dog food. And of course, he LOVES it.

I found a pic of the food, take a look and see what you think? Look how small the "for dogs" writing is on the left hand side of label. And yes, the fact that there's a big yellow dog smack dab in the middle should have been another clue but really, couldn't they have made the words DOG FOOD a bit bigger? Plus I'm looking for low protein rich foods so the first thing I do is look at the back of the can so really so I wasn't focusing on the label. And the store I purchased this is really small and some of the cat and dog foods are lumped together by brand so this is a mistake anyone could have made, right? But now Chum goes crazy for Spot's Stew so I'll continue to mix it in with his usual food just to keep him eating.

Where is the sun???

While walking Wrigs in my mittens AGAIN this morning, I came up with a little diddy sung to the song, "Where is the Love" by the Black Eyed Peas. Yet another coping mechanism I'm using to survive these gloomy days.

What's wrong with this place, mama
People livin' in their raincoats, mama
I think we're gonna get washed away
Why is it always so wet and gray?
Other places, yeah, they got sunshine
But we still got the clouds here
In the city, by the bay
The darkness, the gray, it won't go away.
But if you crave that thing called sun
Then you need to get out, run baby run!
Cause it doesn't shine too much up here.
Can you handle 58 days a year?
You start to go crazy, you're bound to get irate
Madness sets in and you feel you can't relate
Pop some pills, it'll help you think straight
Sleep in a tanning bed, try to meditate.
But deep down in your soul, you gravitate- to the sun, to the sun.

People freezin', people cryin'
Ground so wet, no sign of dryin'
Can you take away this pain?
Who will ever stop the rain?

Mother Nature, Mother help us
Please before my life is done
'Cause this place has got me questionin'
Where is the sun? (Sun)

Where is the sun (The Sun)
Where is the sun (The Sun)
Where is the sun
The sun, the sun.

It's always the same, the days never change
A perpetual season of gray skies and rain
Makes everything look and feel so wrong
Walkin' around like I just don't belong
When does it stop and just go away?
Why am I still wearing mittens in May?
Sufferin' through these months of gloom
And I hear it's not much better in June.
What happened to Spring does that even exist?
Or is that when the rain becomes more of a mist?
I'm losing myself a bit more each day,
Lost in the darkness, submerged in the gray.
So I ask myself, can I make it through?
Will I wake up tomorrow and not feel as blue?
I just don't know only time will tell
but right now it feels like my personal hell
At war with nature, it's a losing battle
I think I need a break from Seattle.

Where's the sun, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the sun y'all, come on (I don't know)

(I still have to finish it but I'm going to stop now and paint some more things yellow.)

12 years ago

We said "I do."

old time photo

Tom found this pic on ebay of my Dad with his parents reviewing his Cub's contract that he signed while still in college. He was only 20 years old. When he started playing, he would pitch a game, then take a train back to school for exams the next day. As you can imagine, playing pro-ball while in college definitely had some perks. Let's just say he had a lot of fun.

Anyway, I love how my Grandpa's pants are so high on his waist. And it's hard to see but I LOVED the doorknobs in my grandparent's house. They were those heavy beveled glass knobs that were always cool to the touch. Anthropologie makes some cool knobs that are similar. I also love the look of the old tv, even though it's just the edge. Reminds me of "I Love Lucy" or "The Honeymooners".

Crazy Town, Population: 1 (that's me)

Can't stop laughing at the fact that it's May 21 and I was bundled up like an eskimo on our morning walk. It's 45 degrees but with a breeze (it wasn't really windy) but even a slight breeze off the water makes it feel so much colder. I guess I'm reaching a new level of insanity because I find this to be bizarre yet hilarious to be wearing mittens in May. But then people tell me this is not unusual at all. Apparently last summer was a fluke because it typically stays cold through June. I think that's hilarious too.

Going to warm up by the fire now before I start my day!!!

at war in my dreams

I should really just have a blog devoted to my f*cked up dreams so I can print them out, ship them to a therapist and say, "Deal with this!" I'm really messed up.

Anyway here was a dream from last night that I just need to get out of my head and move on so I can hopefully have a peaceful night's sleep.

Tom and I were cleaning our garage in our house in California. We were getting rid of sooo much stuff and the garage was stark white and empty. A car pulls up and 2 people come out (couldn't even tell if they were male or female) and they were carrying an envelope and a box. They ask for me, I say I'm here and they hand me the stuff and leave. I open the letter and it's orders to report to Iraq. I say to Tom, "Is this a JOKE?" He looks at me all serious and says, "No." In the box is my uniform and he tells me I need to put it on. I put it on in the garage and It's so heavy and bulky and weighs me down. I tell him I need to take it off he says I can't. I cry out, WHAT IS GOING ON? He just stares at me and says, I'm so sorry. Even writing it all out on here, makes me upset. Again, it was sooooo real.

The next thing I know people are driving up to our house one by one saying goodbye. I'm sitting in my empty garage in this wooden booth type thing, almost like a mini lemonade stand in my uniform while friends and family come up to tell me they love me and say goodbye. It was so surreal. I tell them, I AM NOT IN THE MILITARY! HOW AM I GOING TO FIGHT A WAR? And they all have no words, they just hold my hands and tell me they love me.

Then Tom says we have to go. A bus pulls up, he gets on it with me and I have NO luggage and we drive over all these high bridges til it gets dark. He tells me that a boat will pick me up and take me to Iraq and it will only be for ONE WEEK. I say REALLY?? Ok I can do that. He says just be careful. So I get off the bus and see the boat pull up but then my mom shows up (She did not come to the garage to say goodbye) and I run to her and say I don't want to go! She says it's only for a short time and if I follow the rules I will be back home safe. She says this to me but she is crying so hard and her face is so sad and she does not look good. I hold her hands and don't want to let go but the boat is honking a horn (like a car horn) for me to get on. I still hold my mom's hands and as I start to pull away the boat starts to leave. I try to run to catch it but my uniform is sooo heavy and is weighing me down. The captain on the boat shouts through a megaphone that I have to swim to the boat. I start to get into the water and it's sooo cold and since my uniform is so heavy I just sink and am trying so hard to swim but it's not happening. The captain throws me a rope and I grab onto it and finally heave my wet heavy body to the boat. Everyone on the boat looks at me like an alien and tell me the first thing that has to happen is that my hair needs to be cut. I'm soaking wet, cold and I'm told by this mean beefy woman to sit down as she takes out scissors. I'm trying so hard not to cry and be tough but I just kept thinking, HOW IS THIS HAPPENING? She cuts my hair to just below my ears and when I touch my hair I realize, this is really happening. This is not a dream.

It's so jumbly and I can't remember all the things in the right order but for my own purpose of purging this out of my system I will keep going. The next thing I remember after the hair cut was that we were shuffled to this dark room in the belly of the boat and told to sit and watch a video. The video was about the conditions in Iraq and what we would be facing. The first thing it showed were dogs mangled and dying on the streets. And how we would not be allowed to help them. We had to watch them suffer and couldn't even shoot them to put them out of their misery. We had to save our bullets for terrorists. The images on the video were so disturbing and I felt sick. I tried to reach for my cell phone and some other soldier saw me and grabbed it and threw it against the wall. I thought now my family will never know if I'm ok and a girl sitting next to me who looked about 15 years old said, It's ok you could use my phone. Then we were shuffled to cots to sleep for the night because by morning we would be in Iraq.

I didn't sleep (even in my dream) and thought about how the hell did my life end up like this. I thought about Tom, my animals, my family and friends and my comfortable home and all the things I took for granted and how I wished I could just close my eyes and go back. The boat stopped and jerked back and there was a lot of shouting and people running all over. It was still dark but we were told to jump off the boat which was a long way down to the sand and we would get supplies on the land. I jumped off the boat and since it was so dark no one could see me so I started to run away from the group. I ran and found what looked like an old deserted play ground and there was a low chain link fence sticking out of the ground and I sat down and leaned against the fence. I hear some noise rustling to the side and I look to see a big brown dog shuffling on broken and bloodied legs making its way over to me. It's face was mangled and raw but his eyes were expressive and trusting and he struggled to come to me. I moved towards him and when we were inches away he collapsed. It makes me choke up now because this was so sad and overpowering in my dream. I pet his head gently and he moves his eyes to look at me and I can see the whites of his eyes because he is straining to see me and he starts panting heavily while looking right at me. I just kept petting him and told him that I wouldn't leave him. He nudged my hand like Wrigs does when I stop petting him and I thought how all dogs just want to love and be loved no matter where they are and what life has shown them.

It's really foggy and hard to write out all the rest and now I'm getting tired and hoping that I will be able to sleep so I will sign off. But before I do, I will say a pray for all of our soldiers and anyone who is faced in a war situation, no matter what that war may signify.

this is a...what???

Today at the senior center we were sending "test emails" and I use a big projector screen in the front of the classroom that the seniors refer to while they sit at their desktop stations. I was showing them how to compose emails to someone in their contact list and in the subject field I started to write "this is a test" however, I was a key off in my typing and accidentally wrote:

"THIS IS A TEAT"

which was projected on the big screen for all to see.

I also use pics of Chum and Wrigs as attachments when I show them how to open image files and I snapped a pic of Wrigs on the big screen:


And as you can see to the side I already put up their pics on the day we learned how to print.

I have so many more stories to share but Tom just poured some lemoncello so I don't think I'll get to it right at the moment.

p.s. one of my students rides in on a hover round.

Time for new pet food

This really stinks.

Now our pet's food can be filled with by-products and harmful fillers just like our own! No thanks. Also, P&G condones harsh animal testing so, no way in hell would I trust them to make my animal's food or give them any more money. It really sucks because we were loyal EVO customers for both Chum and Wrigs.

Orijen, based out of Alberta Canada sounds like a possible alternative.

hairline pics

this is one of the receding parts on my right side.


and this morning when I awoke at my usual time of 3:30 am, an infomercial for this product was playing so I ordered it.

I'm glad this product exists, but I'm not exactly jumping for joy that Joan Rivers and I share similar female pattern baldness issues.

My hair is coming out in clumps from that side and if this keeps up, I will be bald by the fall.

(p.s. i found the product cheaper on this site.)

true story

Sometimes when I speak to my animals they talk back to me in English accents. It's so funny. I wish I could record it on film.

Seniors say the darndest things...

Funny moments from class:

I was showing the seniors how to navigate Google earth and we zoomed right into the senior center as close as we could go and everyone oohed and ahhed and couldn't get over it. Then one of the new students raised her hand and asked, "Can you please zoom into the parking lot because I'm afraid I'll get a parking ticket. I'm passed the time limit." I LOVE this woman. I told her that google isn't THAT far advanced yet but that is a GREAT idea for the future.

There's also a new woman who is PETRIFIED of computers. We talked during the break and she said her father was verbally abusive to her when she would try to learn new things and didn't quite pick them up right away. Computers have always intimidated her and she has shied away from them for decades. So now here she is facing her biggest fear and I'm so proud of her. I said, the worst part is already behind you, you make the decision to show up to every class and the fact that you're here shows tremendous courage. I let her know that she can learn at her own pace and if she ever feels frustrated or anxious, she can take a break and walk away or if need be, curse out loud - whatever it takes to help her relieve stress will be ok. She's only had 2 classes and is already becoming so comfortable and at ease. I love seeing that!

Bowling with Dumps

You've seen Chum's litter arrangement no? Well in one corner of our living room we have 5 litter boxes clustered on top of a little sofa and ottoman. Supposed to help his pee obsession on that particular sofa but of course, he doesn't just pee in there and he basically gave up using his other litter box in the laundry room completely. So these boxes are always full and every morning I empty the clumps and dumps into a baggie and we have this long hallway from the living room that goes to the back door of the house so I wind up and bowl the bag o'dumps down the hallway. If the dumps hit the door, no good. If they land before the floor mat, no good. But, if they land on top of the floor mat without hitting the door??? STeeeeeeeeeRIKE!!!

It's little slices of magic like this, that keep me from going insane.

Losing it - "it" being, my hair.

I knew my hair had been thinning a bit in the last year but I didn't realize how bad until today when I got my hair cut. I went to a Budget cuts *walk-ins: $14.95* cuz I could give a rat's ass who cuts my rat's nest and while the hair dresser was separating my hair into clips she said "You must really over process this area" and gestured to the right side of my head with her comb. Then she spun my chair a bit and showed me the side of my head in the mirror. I shit you not, I'm bald. I just sat there in shock and mouthed "OH. MY. GOD." Then she said, "It's pretty sparse on the other side too but not as bad as this." Seriously, this woman should quit her job and become a motivational speaker. Way to brighten one's day, budget cutter.

Anyway, I'm way too vain to take a pic of my actual barren scalp so instead, I'll show you the closest thing I could find:



Now I'm using this Man shampoo that's supposed to boost hair follicle growth at the scalp and strengthen the existing shaft. Does that mean I'll grow a penis too?

Already, I foresee 2 problems with this treatment:

1) It smells like athlete's foot powder (don't ask how I know that too)

and

2) I need to wash my hair daily.

Sorry but daily hair washing does not fit into the whore's bath category. Then Tom flat out tells me that he's not a fan of this new regime and thinks if I get any shampoo on my skin I'll sprout hairs all over my body (and I quote) "[he] did not marry a wooly mammoth!"

This should be interesting.

While I'm writing this now Tom's in bed next to me and Chumley jumps up to lay on his chest. Before he lays down he stands on his chest for a few seconds just getting his bearings and Tom says all serious, "Chumley, you know I don't like asses in my face." Good to know. Who says after 12 years you don't learn something new everyday?

Ok I just sprayed myself with the scalp treatment and the side of my head feels all crackly like it's shriveling up. Weird. It's tingly then crackly again when I raise my eyebrows. I feel like I have rice krispies in my brain.

life with animals

Chumley eats grease.
Grease = explosion.
Wrigley eats explosions.
Explosions = blow out.
The circle of life.

S.A.D

There's a saying in Chicago that goes, "If you want the weather to change, wait 5 minutes." Have you heard of it? Well I came up with a saying for Seattle that goes something like, "If you want the weather to change, wait 5 months."

Apparently I need to change that to 8 months.

It's no wonder I've finally hit my breaking point after 1.5 years.


Question is. What the fuck do I do from October to May???

I've been overcome with gray, I feel it in my chest, swirling in my head, pushing down on my shoulders. I wake up choking on it and I feel like I'm wearing a dark sheet over my face. When I finally sleep (which isn't much thanks to my stupid UV light) I dream in vibrant colors, blues and golds and sparkly colors that don't even seem to exist in this dimension. And I bask in these moments, I feel the warmth on my skin while in this dream state, then always, something dark takes over, whether it's a wave of sludgy mud that covers my entire body or I could be running on a warm white sand beach and then the ground in front of me opens up and swallows me alive filling up my nose with dark gray sand so I can't breathe and again I'm waking up gasping for air. In last night's dream, I had this colorful plushy towel covered in bright flowers that I snapped with my wrists to lay along the beach and actual glittery butterflies popped off and swirled around my head, landing in my hair. I saw their faces up close, they were tiny, like pixies but detailed with bright shiny blue eyes and white lashes. I see it so clearly and I may attempt to draw them because they are friendly and comforting when I revisit the image in my mind. I settle in on my towel and watch as the waves loll against the shore while the sand sparkles in the brightness of the sun. I tell myself to stay here, don't move, don't change one thing because I can't allow this scene to end. I just want to stay here as long as I can and enjoy the warmth, the sun, this life. And then, here it comes, black clouds over the water, hovering slowly at first and then spreading over the length of the horizon in no time. All at once, the sun is gone the winds pick up and the rain comes down like bullets on my bare skin and I grab my towel which is now soaking wet and heavy and try to run for cover. I have to leave the towel behind because it's too heavy and that makes me sad because moments ago it was full of color and vibrancy and as it drops to the wet sand it looks like a dead walrus, all dark and wet like a blob. I'm left to run alone in the cold rain in the dark until the waves finally catch up to me, knocking me down, filling my nostrils, my mouth and lungs til I can no longer breathe.

I don't want to wake up to this anymore.