dog speak and such *update*

*So I think I'm going to stop feeding Chum the dog food...

found this under the dining room chair. Then in the middle of cleaning this up Chum starts making those awful guttural hurling sounds and he spewed all over the living room. Poor guy. And yesterday when I came home our house smelled soooo bad but I never found the source. I'm thinking it might have been under the dining room table and Wrigs may have gotten to it shortly thereafter.*

-------

"Wrigs doesn't get a C-O-O after a W-A"

Translation:

"Wrigs doesn't get a cookie after going on a walk."

For those of you who have a dog, you understand this is how you have to speak.

After our walk this evening Wrigley ran to the pantry and started barking. Tom opened the door as if to give him a cookie and that's when those words came out. I went on to say that taking Wrigs for a W-A does not warrant a C-O-O because going on a W-A is already a special T-R (T-R is short for treat which is Chumley's buzz word and Chumley was sitting by the pantry next to Wrigs squawking for a morsel as well) and Wrigs only gets C-O-O's as rewards or after a B-A. (bath) Tom says Fine.

And anytime we give one animal a C-O-O or T-R the other will be right there within mili-seconds either barking or bellowing for their fair share. And always after Wrigs has a bath we'll usually give him a few cookies and maybe even a bone and Chumley will sit, waiting for his treat and of course I always give him a few too and Tom will say, "Why does he get any? He didn't do shit!" And it's true, he didn't get a bath and have to sit through a blow dry or nail trim, but still he gets his T-R's.

We also have a slew of other words specific to the animals but I'll save that for another day.

Chum's back on antibiotics (he woke up the other day not wanting to eat so right away I knew something was off) and his appetite has been pretty light. I've tried a couple different foods mixed in with his existing food and finally found something he LOVES. I was telling my sister about it because she has a finicky older cat with some issues so I went to the fridge to grab the can and give her the name.

I said,

"The brand is Halo and it's called Spot's Stew, and I got him the Chicken recipe. It comes in an orange can and there's a dog on the front. Wait. There's a dog on here?!?"

I'm feeding Chum dog food. And of course, he LOVES it.

I found a pic of the food, take a look and see what you think? Look how small the "for dogs" writing is on the left hand side of label. And yes, the fact that there's a big yellow dog smack dab in the middle should have been another clue but really, couldn't they have made the words DOG FOOD a bit bigger? Plus I'm looking for low protein rich foods so the first thing I do is look at the back of the can so really so I wasn't focusing on the label. And the store I purchased this is really small and some of the cat and dog foods are lumped together by brand so this is a mistake anyone could have made, right? But now Chum goes crazy for Spot's Stew so I'll continue to mix it in with his usual food just to keep him eating.

Where is the sun???

While walking Wrigs in my mittens AGAIN this morning, I came up with a little diddy sung to the song, "Where is the Love" by the Black Eyed Peas. Yet another coping mechanism I'm using to survive these gloomy days.

What's wrong with this place, mama
People livin' in their raincoats, mama
I think we're gonna get washed away
Why is it always so wet and gray?
Other places, yeah, they got sunshine
But we still got the clouds here
In the city, by the bay
The darkness, the gray, it won't go away.
But if you crave that thing called sun
Then you need to get out, run baby run!
Cause it doesn't shine too much up here.
Can you handle 58 days a year?
You start to go crazy, you're bound to get irate
Madness sets in and you feel you can't relate
Pop some pills, it'll help you think straight
Sleep in a tanning bed, try to meditate.
But deep down in your soul, you gravitate- to the sun, to the sun.

People freezin', people cryin'
Ground so wet, no sign of dryin'
Can you take away this pain?
Who will ever stop the rain?

Mother Nature, Mother help us
Please before my life is done
'Cause this place has got me questionin'
Where is the sun? (Sun)

Where is the sun (The Sun)
Where is the sun (The Sun)
Where is the sun
The sun, the sun.

It's always the same, the days never change
A perpetual season of gray skies and rain
Makes everything look and feel so wrong
Walkin' around like I just don't belong
When does it stop and just go away?
Why am I still wearing mittens in May?
Sufferin' through these months of gloom
And I hear it's not much better in June.
What happened to Spring does that even exist?
Or is that when the rain becomes more of a mist?
I'm losing myself a bit more each day,
Lost in the darkness, submerged in the gray.
So I ask myself, can I make it through?
Will I wake up tomorrow and not feel as blue?
I just don't know only time will tell
but right now it feels like my personal hell
At war with nature, it's a losing battle
I think I need a break from Seattle.

Where's the sun, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the sun y'all, come on (I don't know)

(I still have to finish it but I'm going to stop now and paint some more things yellow.)

12 years ago

We said "I do."

old time photo

Tom found this pic on ebay of my Dad with his parents reviewing his Cub's contract that he signed while still in college. He was only 20 years old. When he started playing, he would pitch a game, then take a train back to school for exams the next day. As you can imagine, playing pro-ball while in college definitely had some perks. Let's just say he had a lot of fun.

Anyway, I love how my Grandpa's pants are so high on his waist. And it's hard to see but I LOVED the doorknobs in my grandparent's house. They were those heavy beveled glass knobs that were always cool to the touch. Anthropologie makes some cool knobs that are similar. I also love the look of the old tv, even though it's just the edge. Reminds me of "I Love Lucy" or "The Honeymooners".

Crazy Town, Population: 1 (that's me)

Can't stop laughing at the fact that it's May 21 and I was bundled up like an eskimo on our morning walk. It's 45 degrees but with a breeze (it wasn't really windy) but even a slight breeze off the water makes it feel so much colder. I guess I'm reaching a new level of insanity because I find this to be bizarre yet hilarious to be wearing mittens in May. But then people tell me this is not unusual at all. Apparently last summer was a fluke because it typically stays cold through June. I think that's hilarious too.

Going to warm up by the fire now before I start my day!!!

at war in my dreams

I should really just have a blog devoted to my f*cked up dreams so I can print them out, ship them to a therapist and say, "Deal with this!" I'm really messed up.

Anyway here was a dream from last night that I just need to get out of my head and move on so I can hopefully have a peaceful night's sleep.

Tom and I were cleaning our garage in our house in California. We were getting rid of sooo much stuff and the garage was stark white and empty. A car pulls up and 2 people come out (couldn't even tell if they were male or female) and they were carrying an envelope and a box. They ask for me, I say I'm here and they hand me the stuff and leave. I open the letter and it's orders to report to Iraq. I say to Tom, "Is this a JOKE?" He looks at me all serious and says, "No." In the box is my uniform and he tells me I need to put it on. I put it on in the garage and It's so heavy and bulky and weighs me down. I tell him I need to take it off he says I can't. I cry out, WHAT IS GOING ON? He just stares at me and says, I'm so sorry. Even writing it all out on here, makes me upset. Again, it was sooooo real.

The next thing I know people are driving up to our house one by one saying goodbye. I'm sitting in my empty garage in this wooden booth type thing, almost like a mini lemonade stand in my uniform while friends and family come up to tell me they love me and say goodbye. It was so surreal. I tell them, I AM NOT IN THE MILITARY! HOW AM I GOING TO FIGHT A WAR? And they all have no words, they just hold my hands and tell me they love me.

Then Tom says we have to go. A bus pulls up, he gets on it with me and I have NO luggage and we drive over all these high bridges til it gets dark. He tells me that a boat will pick me up and take me to Iraq and it will only be for ONE WEEK. I say REALLY?? Ok I can do that. He says just be careful. So I get off the bus and see the boat pull up but then my mom shows up (She did not come to the garage to say goodbye) and I run to her and say I don't want to go! She says it's only for a short time and if I follow the rules I will be back home safe. She says this to me but she is crying so hard and her face is so sad and she does not look good. I hold her hands and don't want to let go but the boat is honking a horn (like a car horn) for me to get on. I still hold my mom's hands and as I start to pull away the boat starts to leave. I try to run to catch it but my uniform is sooo heavy and is weighing me down. The captain on the boat shouts through a megaphone that I have to swim to the boat. I start to get into the water and it's sooo cold and since my uniform is so heavy I just sink and am trying so hard to swim but it's not happening. The captain throws me a rope and I grab onto it and finally heave my wet heavy body to the boat. Everyone on the boat looks at me like an alien and tell me the first thing that has to happen is that my hair needs to be cut. I'm soaking wet, cold and I'm told by this mean beefy woman to sit down as she takes out scissors. I'm trying so hard not to cry and be tough but I just kept thinking, HOW IS THIS HAPPENING? She cuts my hair to just below my ears and when I touch my hair I realize, this is really happening. This is not a dream.

It's so jumbly and I can't remember all the things in the right order but for my own purpose of purging this out of my system I will keep going. The next thing I remember after the hair cut was that we were shuffled to this dark room in the belly of the boat and told to sit and watch a video. The video was about the conditions in Iraq and what we would be facing. The first thing it showed were dogs mangled and dying on the streets. And how we would not be allowed to help them. We had to watch them suffer and couldn't even shoot them to put them out of their misery. We had to save our bullets for terrorists. The images on the video were so disturbing and I felt sick. I tried to reach for my cell phone and some other soldier saw me and grabbed it and threw it against the wall. I thought now my family will never know if I'm ok and a girl sitting next to me who looked about 15 years old said, It's ok you could use my phone. Then we were shuffled to cots to sleep for the night because by morning we would be in Iraq.

I didn't sleep (even in my dream) and thought about how the hell did my life end up like this. I thought about Tom, my animals, my family and friends and my comfortable home and all the things I took for granted and how I wished I could just close my eyes and go back. The boat stopped and jerked back and there was a lot of shouting and people running all over. It was still dark but we were told to jump off the boat which was a long way down to the sand and we would get supplies on the land. I jumped off the boat and since it was so dark no one could see me so I started to run away from the group. I ran and found what looked like an old deserted play ground and there was a low chain link fence sticking out of the ground and I sat down and leaned against the fence. I hear some noise rustling to the side and I look to see a big brown dog shuffling on broken and bloodied legs making its way over to me. It's face was mangled and raw but his eyes were expressive and trusting and he struggled to come to me. I moved towards him and when we were inches away he collapsed. It makes me choke up now because this was so sad and overpowering in my dream. I pet his head gently and he moves his eyes to look at me and I can see the whites of his eyes because he is straining to see me and he starts panting heavily while looking right at me. I just kept petting him and told him that I wouldn't leave him. He nudged my hand like Wrigs does when I stop petting him and I thought how all dogs just want to love and be loved no matter where they are and what life has shown them.

It's really foggy and hard to write out all the rest and now I'm getting tired and hoping that I will be able to sleep so I will sign off. But before I do, I will say a pray for all of our soldiers and anyone who is faced in a war situation, no matter what that war may signify.

this is a...what???

Today at the senior center we were sending "test emails" and I use a big projector screen in the front of the classroom that the seniors refer to while they sit at their desktop stations. I was showing them how to compose emails to someone in their contact list and in the subject field I started to write "this is a test" however, I was a key off in my typing and accidentally wrote:

"THIS IS A TEAT"

which was projected on the big screen for all to see.

I also use pics of Chum and Wrigs as attachments when I show them how to open image files and I snapped a pic of Wrigs on the big screen:


And as you can see to the side I already put up their pics on the day we learned how to print.

I have so many more stories to share but Tom just poured some lemoncello so I don't think I'll get to it right at the moment.

p.s. one of my students rides in on a hover round.

Time for new pet food

This really stinks.

Now our pet's food can be filled with by-products and harmful fillers just like our own! No thanks. Also, P&G condones harsh animal testing so, no way in hell would I trust them to make my animal's food or give them any more money. It really sucks because we were loyal EVO customers for both Chum and Wrigs.

Orijen, based out of Alberta Canada sounds like a possible alternative.

hairline pics

this is one of the receding parts on my right side.


and this morning when I awoke at my usual time of 3:30 am, an infomercial for this product was playing so I ordered it.

I'm glad this product exists, but I'm not exactly jumping for joy that Joan Rivers and I share similar female pattern baldness issues.

My hair is coming out in clumps from that side and if this keeps up, I will be bald by the fall.

(p.s. i found the product cheaper on this site.)

true story

Sometimes when I speak to my animals they talk back to me in English accents. It's so funny. I wish I could record it on film.

Seniors say the darndest things...

Funny moments from class:

I was showing the seniors how to navigate Google earth and we zoomed right into the senior center as close as we could go and everyone oohed and ahhed and couldn't get over it. Then one of the new students raised her hand and asked, "Can you please zoom into the parking lot because I'm afraid I'll get a parking ticket. I'm passed the time limit." I LOVE this woman. I told her that google isn't THAT far advanced yet but that is a GREAT idea for the future.

There's also a new woman who is PETRIFIED of computers. We talked during the break and she said her father was verbally abusive to her when she would try to learn new things and didn't quite pick them up right away. Computers have always intimidated her and she has shied away from them for decades. So now here she is facing her biggest fear and I'm so proud of her. I said, the worst part is already behind you, you make the decision to show up to every class and the fact that you're here shows tremendous courage. I let her know that she can learn at her own pace and if she ever feels frustrated or anxious, she can take a break and walk away or if need be, curse out loud - whatever it takes to help her relieve stress will be ok. She's only had 2 classes and is already becoming so comfortable and at ease. I love seeing that!

Bowling with Dumps

You've seen Chum's litter arrangement no? Well in one corner of our living room we have 5 litter boxes clustered on top of a little sofa and ottoman. Supposed to help his pee obsession on that particular sofa but of course, he doesn't just pee in there and he basically gave up using his other litter box in the laundry room completely. So these boxes are always full and every morning I empty the clumps and dumps into a baggie and we have this long hallway from the living room that goes to the back door of the house so I wind up and bowl the bag o'dumps down the hallway. If the dumps hit the door, no good. If they land before the floor mat, no good. But, if they land on top of the floor mat without hitting the door??? STeeeeeeeeeRIKE!!!

It's little slices of magic like this, that keep me from going insane.

Losing it - "it" being, my hair.

I knew my hair had been thinning a bit in the last year but I didn't realize how bad until today when I got my hair cut. I went to a Budget cuts *walk-ins: $14.95* cuz I could give a rat's ass who cuts my rat's nest and while the hair dresser was separating my hair into clips she said "You must really over process this area" and gestured to the right side of my head with her comb. Then she spun my chair a bit and showed me the side of my head in the mirror. I shit you not, I'm bald. I just sat there in shock and mouthed "OH. MY. GOD." Then she said, "It's pretty sparse on the other side too but not as bad as this." Seriously, this woman should quit her job and become a motivational speaker. Way to brighten one's day, budget cutter.

Anyway, I'm way too vain to take a pic of my actual barren scalp so instead, I'll show you the closest thing I could find:



Now I'm using this Man shampoo that's supposed to boost hair follicle growth at the scalp and strengthen the existing shaft. Does that mean I'll grow a penis too?

Already, I foresee 2 problems with this treatment:

1) It smells like athlete's foot powder (don't ask how I know that too)

and

2) I need to wash my hair daily.

Sorry but daily hair washing does not fit into the whore's bath category. Then Tom flat out tells me that he's not a fan of this new regime and thinks if I get any shampoo on my skin I'll sprout hairs all over my body (and I quote) "[he] did not marry a wooly mammoth!"

This should be interesting.

While I'm writing this now Tom's in bed next to me and Chumley jumps up to lay on his chest. Before he lays down he stands on his chest for a few seconds just getting his bearings and Tom says all serious, "Chumley, you know I don't like asses in my face." Good to know. Who says after 12 years you don't learn something new everyday?

Ok I just sprayed myself with the scalp treatment and the side of my head feels all crackly like it's shriveling up. Weird. It's tingly then crackly again when I raise my eyebrows. I feel like I have rice krispies in my brain.

life with animals

Chumley eats grease.
Grease = explosion.
Wrigley eats explosions.
Explosions = blow out.
The circle of life.

S.A.D

There's a saying in Chicago that goes, "If you want the weather to change, wait 5 minutes." Have you heard of it? Well I came up with a saying for Seattle that goes something like, "If you want the weather to change, wait 5 months."

Apparently I need to change that to 8 months.

It's no wonder I've finally hit my breaking point after 1.5 years.


Question is. What the fuck do I do from October to May???

I've been overcome with gray, I feel it in my chest, swirling in my head, pushing down on my shoulders. I wake up choking on it and I feel like I'm wearing a dark sheet over my face. When I finally sleep (which isn't much thanks to my stupid UV light) I dream in vibrant colors, blues and golds and sparkly colors that don't even seem to exist in this dimension. And I bask in these moments, I feel the warmth on my skin while in this dream state, then always, something dark takes over, whether it's a wave of sludgy mud that covers my entire body or I could be running on a warm white sand beach and then the ground in front of me opens up and swallows me alive filling up my nose with dark gray sand so I can't breathe and again I'm waking up gasping for air. In last night's dream, I had this colorful plushy towel covered in bright flowers that I snapped with my wrists to lay along the beach and actual glittery butterflies popped off and swirled around my head, landing in my hair. I saw their faces up close, they were tiny, like pixies but detailed with bright shiny blue eyes and white lashes. I see it so clearly and I may attempt to draw them because they are friendly and comforting when I revisit the image in my mind. I settle in on my towel and watch as the waves loll against the shore while the sand sparkles in the brightness of the sun. I tell myself to stay here, don't move, don't change one thing because I can't allow this scene to end. I just want to stay here as long as I can and enjoy the warmth, the sun, this life. And then, here it comes, black clouds over the water, hovering slowly at first and then spreading over the length of the horizon in no time. All at once, the sun is gone the winds pick up and the rain comes down like bullets on my bare skin and I grab my towel which is now soaking wet and heavy and try to run for cover. I have to leave the towel behind because it's too heavy and that makes me sad because moments ago it was full of color and vibrancy and as it drops to the wet sand it looks like a dead walrus, all dark and wet like a blob. I'm left to run alone in the cold rain in the dark until the waves finally catch up to me, knocking me down, filling my nostrils, my mouth and lungs til I can no longer breathe.

I don't want to wake up to this anymore.

Whistler recap

So the 2nd day into our Whistler trip, our pet sitter/dear friend/angel in my life, called to say that there was a bit of a problem. Chum's throne, which dominates the left side our living room, contains 4 open litter boxes because lately, he has not liked using the hooded ones. Well open air litter boxes = Wrigley's-snack-time-free-for-all. Turns out Wrigs got REALLY sick, so sick that our pet sitter was going to take him to Urgent Care. After talking to her and then freaking out because we were 5+hours away, Tom and I kept thinking about what possibly could have made him sick - there were 7 piles of pet messes in the living room alone. Then it dawned on me. I asked her how many dumps had she seen in Chum's boxes and she said none, just pee clumps. So there was the reason. Wrigs was quite sick on Saturday and Saturday night but started to improve on Sunday. She barricaded Chum's area with our kitchen bar stools to keep Wrigs out. And yes, he still tries to get in there. So welcome to our living room:

Now for some fun pics. This is in the little town of Whistler village. It's seriously Smurf village on crack and if you love to ski or don't love skiing, it's a really cute place to visit. My Dad lived in Vancouver for 2 years and my mom and I spent a summer up there and drove to Whistler in July to ski! There is year round skiing on the glacier which boggles my mind. I was only 16 at the time and didn't really appreciate/care about the beauty of the place and it was cold and dank and I just wanted to get away from my parents. So I'm glad I got a chance to go back and see it again with a different perspective.

Tom's been here before too (about 8 years ago) but he swears this time was MUCH MORE fun, especially watching me crawl down the mountain. Ok in my defense, we did actually ski together for almost 5 hours on Saturday, after my blue run melt down. I enjoyed skiing the top of the mountain better because the snow wasn't as slushy but as we started to come down it was so choppy and wet and I fell at least 10 times. And for some reason I tend to fall forward and after my 2nd face plant I realized I'm done with skiing. It's now 5 days later and I'm still sore. Anyway I digress, here's Tom enjoying a hot tea!

And we got this hot mess from an outdoor village vendor. It's called poutine and we added spicy jalapeno sausage to ours (way to test Canadian plumbing) and it was delicious. We also did like the natives and paired it with some Canadian Molson. Or is it Molson Canadian? I don't know. BUT- I do know that we beat the hotel system. How? Well we raided the hotel bar one night and drank 4 Molson's for $24. The next day we hit the liquor store and bought a case for $20 and put back the 4 and drank the rest! No dumb Americans here.

Oh and this was after a night of sushi/sake/Japanese whiskey. I felt the need to do a hand stand (first one on Canadian soil) and thankfully my painfully bruised right wrist - from slamming into another snow bank- same exact thing happened last year!- didn't give out.

Ok I LOVE this pic of Tom. It reminds me of a crazy author's photo (like Stephen King) in the back of a book jacket. But here Tom's just drinking tea and I like to call him the tea toteler when he drinks tea cause he doesn't like coffee.

Here are some mountain shots on the slopes:

Those are Tom's skis and this photo makes my stomach flip. Plus he skied down this hill with our not so small camera inside his ski jacket.

Just to get an idea of the elevation:

Yeah, I'm not a fan of skiing next to rocks and cliffs. These little orange dots aren't much help to me.

Pretty cool rock formations:

However, straight down drop if you keep skiing over the edge:

This pic makes me crap my pants. Tom skied double blacks (fell once) and also skied some moguls. This trip solidified the fact that I have NO desire to ever attempt such feats and if his dreams of doing such things together are now crushed well, then, he should've married Picabo Street.

Ok, it's cinco de Mayo and now I need to put a fire on.

Skiing in Whistler

well, sort of...

my friend Peter

Back in September our good friend Peter came out to Seattle for a visit. This was before I was diagnosed with my colon condition and I felt so bad because this was our last full day together and we had planned to spend it at a winery in Woodinville. Sadly, it didn't turn out that way. Peter has a great way of telling a story and he typed this up after his visit and even though months have passed, I want to share it on here.

He titled it, "Laura's Intestinal Adventures" by Peter.

"On my last trip to Seattle, Tom, Laura and I decided to do a special lunch outing, hiking about three or four miles to a restaurant known for it's fish and chips and outdoor patio, where we could keep Wrigley tied up and close to us while we ate. Wrigley got some exercise, we all got some good food, it was a beautiful sunny day - perfect outing. So far.

We started the walk back to the house, stopping at a garage sale along the way, Amy called to see how we were; we bought some weird insulin bottles from the yard sale - sounds weird, but they looked kind of artsy-craftsy. We continued on our way home, I was talking to Amy, when Tom and Laura, who were walking ahead of me, stopped. Suddenly Laura was down on the ground. I told Amy I had to go.

Laura was crying, saying her insides hurt. Tom was trying to be consoling, but also a bit frustrated with the situation. We were in a neighborhood with all single-family homes, well manicured lawns, without a place to obtain a little privacy. Which was bad, because Laura was having issue in the Number Two department.

"What would you like me to do Laura?" Tom asked. Laura didn't know... it was about another two or three miles to get home and get the car. Tom continued: "you should have used the bathroom before we left." "I tried Tom!" Laura said. "I can't just make it happen!" Wrigley was getting fidgety and things weren't looking good. But as luck would have it, there was a sign advertising an Open House on the cross street where we stopped, so this provided an opportunity for a desperate plan.

Tom had a friend who was looking for a house in the area, so that would provide a pretext for him to ask the realtor about the house, and for Laura to use the bathroom. We discussed the plan, it wasn't the best - they couldn't bring Wrigley, I would have to stay with him, and Tom was worried he would freak out. With no other obvious options, this was the plan we had to go with. Off Tom and Laura went to the house, about a quarter mile off, and I hung out with Wrigley.

Wrigley was mostly well-behaved, but a bit fidgety, occasionally he would look in the direction of Tom and Laura as they disappeared from view, and bark. I would say "Wrigley, stop being a baby!" and he would calm down. Tom and Laura were gone for about 25 minutes.

When they came back, we discussed what our next plans would be - Tom was going to go for the car, I would wait with Laura. Tom took Wrigley and left, and Laura started to have digestive problems again.

I suggested that we walk back to the open house. Laura walked beside me, in small, brisk steps, as if she were squeezing her thighs together. We got up to the house - there was some mint-condition vintage automobile under a canopy. We stepped into the house, and there was a waterfall set into the wall, with mosaic tiling, nice carpeting, and a sweeping staircase leading upstairs, where you could hear the realtor discussing the house with a couple.... this was a house for rich people. Laura bolted into the bathroom, then came out after about five minutes. We went out onto the driveway and hung out for a few minutes, then Laura bolted back into the bathroom, keeping her thighs squeezed together. This process repeated itself several times. At one point I was just waiting on the driveway, when the couple came out. They put on the shoes they had left at the bottom of the stairs and left. Laura was taking some time in the bathroom. I could hear the realtor walking around upstairs, so I figured I should make our presence known.

I walked upstairs, the realtor said hello. I said "Do you remember the couple that was here before? There was a guy in a baseball cap checking out the house?" He did. "Well, his wife is feeling... kind of sick. She's in the downstairs bathroom. I just wanted to let you know she's here. She's kind of embarrassed. Sorry to impose on you... we're just waiting for her husband to come back with the car." The realtor was incredibly nice and understanding and said not to worry about it; what a relief! Laura came out, we hung out outside, and Tom came with the car.

Obviously the rest of the day was spent indoors."

Tuxes & Tails

This weekend, I was thrilled to be a part of Seattle Humane Society's annual fundraiser, Tuxes & Tails. I got to experience this event both as a volunteer as well as a guest for the gala and it was incredible. Over $665,000 was raised in just a matter of hours. So many people with big hearts, wanting to help the animals as well as families who have difficulty caring for their animals. It makes you feel pretty good inside to know there are so many people who care. It was also the first time since moving to Seattle that I actually wore a dress, and that felt pretty good too!

Here are some pics from the Animal Fashion Show:





And here's a pic of me and Tom posing under the "Catsino Royale" sign. Looks like Prom night:



Here's a shot of some of our table attendees - the 2 gentlemen in the middle are our dear friends Mike and Gary. We met them shortly after moving to Seattle through our friends David and Mark in LA (Karyn's Mark):



Gary's tie matched the back of my dress so we had to snap a pic together, even though it's kind of hard to see the details of the dress, which was embroidered with pretty pink roses:



I'd also like to thank my friends at Fresh Wave for supplying the most fantastic auction baskets for the event. I started working with Fresh Wave back in 2003 when they launched their consumer line and now here we are 7 years later still going strong!


Good people and a great cause, all rolled into one.

More momisms

Last week I flew to Chicago to surprise my mom. My sister arrived about 2 hours before my flight was due to land. She flew in from Orange County, into Milwaukee because Southwest doesn't fly to O'hare. Our "scheme" was once she landed she told my mom that one of her bags accidentally got sent to O'hare, where I would be waiting. My mom (who spent years in the travel industry) said, "That's odd! Southwest doesn't fly to O'hare!" My sister said she didn't understand it either but that they needed to drive down to get her bag. Someone would be standing outside holding a sign with her name on it and that someone would be me. As they pulled up to the curb, I held up the sign, covering my face at first and when my mom opened the passenger door she started to say, "Oh, you look so much like...", then she realized it was me and lost it. FULL ON TEARS, then she sat back down in her seat for a few moments, speechless. It was one of the best surprises we've ever pulled off.

We celebrated my mom's 75th birthday and also were there for her cataract surgery. I was able to see Tom's Dad who is still hospitalized (sadly now back in ICU) but overall it was a very productive visit with family.

So here are the momisms from my visit:

-The morning of my mom's eye surgery we took a shuttle van from the hotel to the hospital and as my mom was about to disembark the van she asked the driver if he had a catapult. We think she meant catwalk but not quite sure.

-While filling out the paperwork for her surgery she said "I want to check the box that says do not necessitate."

-After her surgery, the nurse asked her how she was feeling and she kept saying, "I just feel like...punk."

-On the way home from the hospital she was a little out of it in the backseat and out of the blue she says, "I really need to get home so I can make you girls a sandwich!"

-While visiting an open house in her neighborhood she tells the realtor, "I have a friend who will be downloading, so she needs a smaller place."

-She asks me and my sister, "Have you guys seen the movie The Broad Side?" (we both say "No" knowing she meant the Blind Side.)

-Before making a phone call on her home phone she pretended to hit the buttons really fast while squinting into the phone. Then she says, "See? I'm teching, just like you guys do." (she meant texting)

-One morning it was pretty chilly and my mom had on a light weight jacket. I asked if the jacket was warm enough and she said, "Oh yes. And it breaks wind."

-At her follow up eye appointment she told the doctor when she can't see someone's face that well she has to look at them geeky.

I love my mom.

Banana toy stand off (AGAIN)

Earlier today Chum was playing quietly with his banana toy. It was so sweet, he would toss it up in the air then pounce on it and roll over with it in his front paws while kicking it with his back paws. Then out of nowhere, Wrigs enters the picture and swipes it right out of his mitts. Chum was NOT happy about that but instead of going after Wrigs, he took it out on me. Wrigley was following behind, gloating, with the banana hanging out of his mouth.



Here they are side glancing at each other to see who will get the banana.



And when Chum is really worked up, he'll howl/bellow/moan throughout the house.



I finally had to hide the banana in the pantry because the two of them can't handle being in the same room with it.

never realized...

how much I missed Chicago 'til I moved to Seattle.

Ain't life funny???

Anyway, longer post to come about my trip to surprise my mom for her 75th birthday as well as a SLEW of momisms.

I need to be better about updating on here. So much to say, so little time.

Slew of Momisms

Last week I flew to Chicago to surprise my mom. My sister arrived about 2 hours before my flight was due to land. She flew in from Orange County, into Milwaukee because Southwest doesn't fly to O'hare. Our "scheme" was once she landed she told my mom that one of her bags accidentally got sent to O'hare, where I would be waiting. My mom (who spent years in the travel industry) said, "That's odd! Southwest doesn't fly to O'hare!" My sister said she didn't understand it either but that they needed to drive down to get her bag. Someone would be standing outside holding a sign with her name on it and that someone would be me. As they pulled up to the curb, I held up the sign, covering my face at first and when my mom opened the passenger door she started to say, "Oh, you look so much like...", then she realized it was me and lost it. FULL ON TEARS, then she sat back down in her seat for a few moments, speechless. It was one of the best surprises we've ever pulled off.

We celebrated my mom's 75th birthday and also were there for her cataract surgery. I was able to see Tom's Dad who is back in the hospital (sadly now back in ICU) but overall it was a very productive visit with family.

So here are the momisms from my visit.

-The morning of my mom's eye surgery we took a shuttle van from the hotel to the hospital and as my mom was about to disembark the van she asked the driver if he had a catapult. We think she meant catwalk but not quite sure.

-While filling out the paperwork for her surgery she said "I want to check the box that says do not necessitate."

-After her surgery, the nurse asked her how she was feeling and she kept saying, "I just feel like...punk."

-On the way home from the hospital she was a little out of it in the backseat and out of the blue she says, "I really need to get home so I can make you girls a sandwich!"

-While visiting an open house in her neighborhood she tells the realtor, "I have a friend who will be downloading, so she needs a smaller place."

-She asks me and my sister, "Have you guys seen the movie The Broad Side?" (we both say "No" knowing she meant the Blind Side.)

-Before making a phone call on her home phone she pretended to hit the buttons really fast while squinting into the phone. Then she says, "See? I'm teching, just like you guys do." (she meant texting)

-One morning it was pretty chilly and my mom had on a light weight jacket. I asked if the jacket was warm enough and she said, "Oh yes. And it breaks wind."

-At her follow up eye appointment she told the doctor when she can't see someone's face that well she has to look at them geeky.

our Sunday night

folding laundry...
eating cheese...
watching the masters (muted)...
listening to Lady Antebellum...
wearing rain boots...
drinking french champagne...
animals staring, waiting for a morsel...

this is our Sunday night.

It's starting again...

Look what Wrigley got in the mail today:


At least he's not like Chumley where he books a ticket and flees town for a week. I'm proud of him for bringing this to my attention (he's such an honest soul) but I'm afraid Bev is up to her old tricks again. Chumley received an anonymous lobster gram last week but now methinks I know the culprit.

our house, the brothel

When I come home, the animals always run to the door to greet me and before I step inside I'll greet them with an enthusiastic, "HEY THERE GANG!" or "HIIIII GUYS!" or like I did today, "HEYYYYY LOVERS!"

But what I didn't realize was that my neighbor was in his driveway, just a few feet away. He said Hi, I said Hi and went inside and now he probably thinks we're running some sort of sex ring out of the home.

It's almost 5:00

and still no sign of the blasted ADT man! Anyway since I can't do much of anything but stew in my own impatience I'll post some photos from last week.

My friend Michael came to visit me from California. It was so great to see him and it came at a really good time. I had a rather bizarre situation occur in the week preceding his visit (it was like being in an episode of the Twilight Zone because somehow, I got dragged into a really f*cked up situation by trying to help a friend) which led to my safety being threatened. Needless to say I have NEVER been a fan of hand guns nor have I ever wanted them in my home but when you feel, or rather are TOLD you are in danger, you will do anything to protect yourself and your family.

But I digress, it was great to see my friend especially when I needed a lift.

The sun came out on his second day here so we drank champagne and praised the sun Gods (even though it was about 40 degrees):


Then we went to Pike's Market in disguise and pretended to be foreign:


And to top it all off we had our very own Snuggie Pub Crawl through town:


We'd announce "NAP TIME!" and have to put our heads down for a mandatory 5 minute nap in the bar. Yes, we are crazy, no, we were not even drunk, just off our meds that day. Good times.

I miss doing stuff like this. Harmless fun. But anyway...

Then Saturday night Tom and I and a big group went to see Michael Buble in concert and he puts on a PHENOMENAL show.


He's an excellent performer and his singing appears effortless. He was born to entertain.


It was funny because he would banter with the crowd and while he was doing his shtick this crazy fan at the foot of the stage kept jumping up and down screaming I LOVE YOU and just being overly obnoxious throughout the whole show. He finally looked at her and said in the middle of bantering, "At one point in my career, I'm certain you will kill me." It was really funny but I hope to GOD not true!!


This is the first time I've seen him live and I couldn't get over how much he looks like a younger Matt Dillon. Look at this pic. This is Buble, not Dillon. They could be twins.


Here's another pic I found. He kind of reminds me of Enrique in this pose. Que te parace?


OMG, it's 5:10 and STILL no sign of the ADT man!!!

waiting for the ADT man

update:
It's now 4:22 and still no sign of him!!! Heads are GONNA ROLL!

I've been waiting for the ADT man to get here for going on 2 hours cuz our alarm keeps beeping randomly and after 2 phone calls to supervisor/technical support, no one can figure out what the issue is. ADT man was scheduled to come out tomorrow but the thing was beeping every 2-3 minutes this morning, driving me and the animals BONKERS so I called back and begged to get him out here sooner. I was told no, earliest was tomorrow and I told them that I hope I'm still here this time tomorrow because the beeping is going to send me to the looney bin. The woman on the phone could hear it and she apologized and said it would drive her crazy too. About a half hour later I get a call back saying that one of their technicians called in sick but he is close by and can come over after 1:00 today. I said I don't want him to make a trip if he is sick and then she told me that he was planning on working this afternoon, he just took the morning off. So now, here I am waiting for him hoping to God whatever he has isn't contagious.

The beeping has stopped, of course, now that he is on his way but hopefully he can figure out what caused it and can prevent it from happening again. One technician told me to make it stop I should take the batteries out of the control panels and then disconnect the power to the main box. I said "Yes but doesn't that defeat the purpose of an alarm system?" And he responded with, "Well you wanted to know how to stop the beeping." Customer service at its finest I tell ya.

I hope the field tech has a better answer.

And so, I wait.

Did I mention the last time an ADT tech came out he was here for 5 hours? Hope this guy likes pork tenderloin.

Old Macdonald had a...

Every time I pass a McDonald's, the word "MACdonald" comes into my head. It's what my Grandmother (Baba) calls McDonald's, totally emphasizing the MAC and never making it plural.

When my parents would travel for baseball or vacations, Baba would come and stay with us and we got away with murder. I mean literally, we could have probably murdered someone and she would be like, "Oh that's ok honey, I'll clean it up." It was a serious party when she was in town and I took full advantage LOVED every minute of it.

I'd experiment with things in the kitchen, like trying to make gum from marshmallows, mint leaves and food coloring, almost setting the kitchen on fire, or climbing up on the roof, running around like a banshee and when she'd rush outside in a panic asking what I was doing up there, I'd tell her that I'm just picking up leaves so they don't stick to the skylights. Then she'd smile and tell me I was such a good little helper.

For dinner she would ask me what I wanted and since I was never really allowed to eat fast food I'd ask her if it was ok to have McDonald's. She would say, "MACdonald? Sure honey, you can have MACdonald." And off we'd go in the car. Sometimes we'd eat in the restaurant, sometimes we'd take it home. She would hand me the bag and I'd start eating the french fries in the car shoving them in by the fistfuls. She'd say, "SLOW DOWN HONEY." But I couldn't, this was such a special treat and it felt like I was in some sort of fast food trance.

Here we are some 25+ years later, and every time I see those arches, I hear Baba's voice and it makes me smile.

things I save

Chumley walked across my keyboard and then stood on it for a bit, while I was doing a google search. This is what popped up in the google window:

[;p54444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444m,899999999

It made me laugh so of course I had to cut and paste it on here for no other reason than to look back at this and laugh again one day. I love when he does stuff like this.

My mom

I just got off the phone with my mom. She was asking me if I remembered the name of this bakery in Chicago somewhere in my old neighborhood.

my mom: "Do you remember it? It was owned by two women, they made all sorts of squishy cakes (by squishy, she means fancy) for famous people all over Chicago and the world. It was near your old condo, it was girl's name I think. Don't you remember? You lived down the street from it."

me: "I don't really remember going to a bakery nearby our condo. What about it though?"

my mom: "I'm sure you know it. They've been on the food network, I think they are sisters. They do squishy wedding cakes."

me: "Not ringing a bell. What about it?"

my mom: "Oh I think it was on Belmont. Didn't you live off Belmont? If you haven't been there I know you've heard of it. They've been in a business a long time. They bake cakes that look like museums and historical landmarks too."

me: "I can't really recall off the top of my head. But what is the point of the story about this bakery???"

my mom: "It burned."

me: "Oh, that's sad."

So I had to google this and I find out the name of the bakery was "Cakegirls" and while it was off of Belmont, it was about 25 blocks away from where I used to live. My fault for not knowing everything within a 5 mile radius of my dwelling.

Here's the story in case anyone is interested.

4th time's a charm

Chum off Baytril.
2 days later, going downhill.
Pee and more pee everywhere.
Syringe some up, take to vet's.
Await results.
Kidneys not improving.
Vet prescribes Zeniquin.
Crap. Pill form only.
Pick up pills.
"Here, kitty kitty."
Bandage up my hand.
Take pills to pharmacy.
"PLEASE can you compound?"
YES!
Chicken flavor please.
No, not for me.
Hoping this works.

Apparently this drug is so potent that humans can't even get it on their skin. Can't help wonder what it's doing to Chum as I force it down his little throat.

:(

update: Guess I don't have to wonder what it's doing to Chum cuz he throws it up after 20 minutes. Poor guy.

Foot in mouth/cough drop in hair

This morning I went to the vet's office to pick up a new prescription for Chumley. Though he's eating, drinking and gaining weight, his labs came back and his kidneys are still in bad shape. We're trying a new form of antibiotic and will just go from there.

Anyway, while I was in the waiting area a woman walked in with a 4 month old golden retriever. Of course I have to get down on the ground and kiss this baby and I asked what his name was. She said Sebastian. I told her that I met him before! I said I met Sebastian while walking Wrigley and told her the name of the park. She said that she goes there with him and I said, "Well it wasn't you. It was an older woman. Does your mom walk him?" And that's when I said to myself, You...are...a...DUMB ASS!!

Her response?

"Nope, not my mom. She's my partner."

Woops.

I also had a cough drop stuck in my hair from the night before that would not come out.

Never go to bed with a cough drop in your mouth.

I'm going to bake a red velvet cake now.

in better news...

Chum is really packing on the pounds. He's almost back to his normal weight, before he got sick due to the fact that I was feeding him every couple of hours for about 4-5 days. Now he's down to about 4 feedings a day which reminds me, I need to get more cat food. We're running another urine test now and in a couple weeks we'll do more blood tests and depending on his levels we may start him on Calcitriol.

Anyway, here is a pic of our beefed up boy as well as some video taken just a few moments ago of him playing with his new favorite banana toy. Wrigs makes a cameo in the 2nd video.

Changes

Stability + my life = Non existent.

Fuck trying to make that happen.

'Tis ok. I've learned how to become a chameleon. Sometimes I'm a nice shade of lime green and other times...

a dark, disgusting shade of charcoal black.

Change is good right?

No, not always.

annoyed

I'm hormonal and annoyed, not a good combo - so while I'm in this state I'd like to vent about it and get it out of my system.

First, I hate when throngs of people not only hog an entire sidewalk but then just stop and stand there for no apparent reason whatsoever other than being utterly fecking annoying. (feck is my new f*ck) This happened multiple times today while running with Wrigs and will continue to happen more often now that it's starting to get warmer. So to avoid sidewalk slugs I run in the bike lane which is a royal cluster FECK because now I have to dodge ball the bikers, rollerbladers, skateboaders, and these random skate paddlers? I don't know what the hell you call them but they are everywhere and they stand on a skate board and paddle the ground using a long pole with a rubberized end. I tried to find some video of this atrocity but can't. Next time I'll take some video with my phone. LOSERS!

Then there's the people who obviously don't have dogs of their own but think your dog is solely for their (or their children's) entertainment. Seriously people? What is it about our look that SCREAMS "stop my dog while we're BOTH in a full on run, his leash clipped to my waist then watch as my head snaps back hitting my spine as I pinball it back to my dog who is now eating gold fish crackers off your kid's stroller tray???" I'm glad you think that's so cute because sure as shit it feels like I cracked a vertebrae in my neck thanks to you. Don't misunderstand, I LOVE stopping to chit chat with people when Wrigs and I are out for a leisurely stroll. But when I'm running full force, staring straight ahead, ear buds and all, I really don't think it's a good idea to jump in front of my dog and ask if your kids can pet him. And so I stand there, out of breath, fiddling with my i-pod strapped to my arm while you start talking nonsense but guess what? I can't hear a word you are saying so I just shout, "WHAT? WHAT?? WHAT???" until I'm able to shut down the music, thus ending my workout. And then your other kid starts screaming cuz my dog just swiped the bagel from her hand and you look at me like I have some heathen devil dog and I want to scream just as loud as your obnoxious kid WHAT DID YOU EXPECT!?!? HE'S A DOG and your kid was waving that bagel in front of his face like some sort of deranged hypnotist. I mean COME ON. I should be the one who is pissed off.

Actually, I am.

But I feel a little better.

Cats and Goldens

This is why I LOVE living with a cat and dog (especially a Golden).

You have to watch this video all the way through to the end. Believe me, it's worth it!

Gabriel & Stanley

What makes a marriage happy?

I'm about to retire my old computer and while purging files I found this piece I wrote for a women's wellness publication, over 2 years ago. Not sure if I'd change much now that I have 2 more years of marriage under my belt, so I'll go ahead and post it on here...


Maintenance for Marriage: It's a S.E.C.R.E.T. (January 2008)

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. For some married couples, it's a milestone they'll never hit, for others, just a drop in the bucket. And lately I find myself asking, "What makes a marriage happy?" Maybe that's normal protocol as any couple approaches the 10 year mark or maybe I just want to ensure that we'll at least try to maintain a level of happiness for the future. I guess this would also depend on one's interpretation of the word happy since there are varying degrees, starting with contentment all the way up to fulfilled vitality. Perhaps most people settle for contentment and never allow themselves to experience much more than that. But I truly believe living in a contented state will eventually lead to disappointment, resentment and ultimately, unhappiness. And if you experience just one of those in a marriage, things can start to spiral out of control, pretty fast.

We've read a lot of books on marriage just to make sure we're still on the right track, whatever track that is. Many books talk about communication and how "constructive communicating is the key to a happy marriage." While it does enable you to express your feelings openly and honestly it doesn't help much if your feelings are the cause for your unhappiness. You could be telling your spouse, "I'm not in love with you anymore" or your spouse could be saying to you, "You always put work first. You don't consider me a priority in your life" but yet because you are both communicating effectively that's supposed to solve your problems? It's not that simple. Then there are the books that talk about spontaneity and how it's natural after a certain amount of time for the marriage to become routine and subsequently taken for granted. These books offer suggestions and little pick me ups on how to bring back the spark, whether it's breaking bad habits, spicing things up in the bedroom or having more time alone, away from the kids. And while some of these methods may work in the short term, it's not a guarantee for a lifetime of bliss.

After almost a decade of marriage, I believe the secret to a happy marriage will not be found from reading words on a page or tearing through tissues behind the doors of therapy. So, with some input from my husband of course, I'll explore our own marriage and share some of the things that have worked for us. After all marriage is just that, work. Based on our life together and the direction we want to go here is what we believe is the SECRET to a happy marriage, whatever your definition of happy may be.

Share responsibility:
This one's simple, because not only is it measurable but it benefits each partner once the responsibilities are clearly defined and executed. Whether it's painting a bathroom, taking out the trash or maintaining the household finances, if one spouse is more adept and willing to take on a particular task, then let them. It's important to know what works for each individual and to ensure that the responsibilities are communicated and understood from the start. I used to get angry with my husband when he would load the dishwasher because he'd stack bowls right side up, plates would face the wrong way, glassware would touch, etc. After a few chipped glasses I finally decided that this should not be on his list of things to do. Now that I think of it, I wonder if he was doing it intentionally?? Regardless, he's in charge of all things outdoors and I'll stick to the dishes. We don't try to push each other towards those tasks that we either despise or aren't experts in the field. We each have a fair share of "to dos" in our day to day lives and we know what works for both of us and what doesn't. You'll never catch me mowing the lawn on Saturday just as he would prefer to stay away from cat box clean up.

Erase the fantasy:
This may be hard for some people (especially those who marry young) who have always had that fairy tale idea about marriage. I believe the wedding day can be every bit of that fairy tale, but if happily ever after is not grounded in reality there will be major disappointments and resentments down the line. Life happens no matter what so when bills pile up, work stresses mount, toilets break, kids get sick, no doubt this will effect the overall happiness of the marriage. If you're not able to accept the fact that marriage is not going to be a constant state of wedded bliss then you will be in for a huge let down. Be realistic with your expectations of marriage before you say I do. How you deal with the things life throws at you, together, is an indicator of how successful your marriage will be in the future.

Compromise is KEY:
In any relationship whether it's husband/wife, brother/sister, parent/child, there is always going to be compromise. No matter how much you love someone, there will be moments when you will feel differently about situations than your partner. It could be something simple, for example, where to take your next vacation or it may be something more significant such as deciding to go back to work or continuing to stay at home with the kids. You and your spouse aren't supposed to agree on every challenge that arises in a marriage but it is important to meet somewhere in the middle and find a level of compromise that you'll both be comfortable with. Otherwise one will feel slighted and may even use their feelings of having to sacrifice as a crutch down the line. Sacrifice can be a dangerous word in any relationship. It denotes a void of happiness by doing without something you desire and that's not how you want to view the choices you make in your marriage.

Rewards vs. Regrets:
Make sure your rewards outweigh your regrets. Whether it's personal, professional or marital it's unavoidable in life to not experience some level of regret. Sometimes regrets can weigh on us like a ton of bricks and cause us to doubt ourselves and some of the decisions we've made. And part of being married is accepting the fact that there are going to be regrets but along with regret, comes forgiveness and you have to be willing to forgive yourself or your spouse in order to move ahead. On the flipside we need to be able to recognize the rewards that marriage has to offer and ideally in a happy marriage, the rewards are significant and the regrets, minimal. But, they will be there from time to time and rather than dwell on them and live your life questioning your past, accept them, forgive and move on so you can continue to reap the many rewards that marriage has to offer.

Embrace your individuality:
While one of the benefits of marriage is sharing your life with someone, it's important not to lose sight of who you are as an individual and maintain a healthy level of independence. Remember the things that you used to do that made you happy before marriage and continue to do them (well, most of them). And it's ok to share some of these things with your spouse, if they derive the same amount of pleasure as you. I love to spend hours in a bookstore, just browsing the aisles and then finding a corner to sit and read my selections. This is torture for my husband and I wouldn't want him to suffer through the boredom so I continue to do this on my own. My husband LOVES to golf and could spend all day on the course every weekend. That's not a barrel of fun for me, but I know how happy this makes him so I want him to enjoy it whether or not I do. This often leads to compromise so he gets up extra early to play on the weekends, that way we still have the bulk of the day to spend together, doing things we both enjoy. And most importantly, stay young and have fun!

Treat each other with respect:
Sometimes I feel this is one of the most important virtues, and not just in marriage but in life. When you respect each other on a day to day basis it's hard to take one another for granted. Understandably there are going to be times when we might say or do something that is not coming from a place of love, especially in the heat of an argument, but it's important to choose words and behaviors that are not critically damaging. Personal attacks on character demeans your spouse which can cause a great deal of hurt and it's true, sometimes we treat strangers better than the ones we love the most. Love your spouse, respect them for who they are and remember what brought you both together in the first place and keep that in mind the next time you feel like saying something you might regret. Or just count to 10, sometimes that works too.

WAY too much TMI...

...but like that's ever stopped me before.

Don't you hate when it's that time of the month and you run out of EVERYTHING so your cart is filled with Super Tamps, panty liners, nighttime wings, feminine wipes (aka "peach wipes" in this house) maximum strength Midol, menstrual cramp heat therapy patches and 6 pounds of chocolate???

Oh and toss in 2 bottles of buy one get one free Tums, a jumbo pack of triple ply, extra soft toilet paper AND a plunger?!? Then watch as the checker tries to keep a straight face while ringing it all up. And you just stand there smiling innocently while the people behind you in line look you up and down like some sort of side show freak. Rule of thumb, always go to a female checker. Always.

When Tom sees the heavy artillery stacked up on the bathroom counter he starts to sing a little song. It's the same thing every month, for the last 12 years but yet, as hard as I try not to laugh, I can't help it. He claims the pads look like surf boards so he'll start to sing (to the tune of Surfin' Safari), "Let's go surfin' now, everybody's bleeding now, come and take a ride with meeeeeeee!" I tell him the last part makes no sense but he says it does because I'm the one "riding the surfboard" when I...you know, place it in its place.

Anyway.

Surf's up.