Beauty Buys for the Weekend

Haven't posted any must have products for a while so here are a few of my favs for springtime...

The Shear Splendor line from Philosophy is splendid (I love the word splendid, need to use it more often). I got this stuff about a year ago and recently resurrected it from the depths of my cabinet under the sink (aka bottomless pit of beauty remnants).

The two products I recommend for dry, over processed hair (whether it's chemical or styling tool damage) are the Marinating Oil and the Conditioning Mask.

I use the products together about once a week and if my hair is extremely moisture deprived I'll apply the marinade overnight and wash it out in the morning using a moisturizing shampoo, then apply the conditioning mask. You'll really notice a difference even after one application.

And since this is all pre-styling maintenance, you can continue your usual hair care regimen once you towel dry. Or in my case, turbie twist dry. (The woman's hair in that pic drives me nuts! Why wouldn't they turbie twist that hanging lock back up in there? Annoying).

Here's a great bronzer from Benefit. The color goes on smooth and can be layered to achieve a deeper tan. The packaging, though super cute, is not the most practical since it's a non secure lid and somewhat bulky. But if you can do without carrying it in your purse, it's probably the best bronzer I've come across in a long time. And the color name is "Hoola" which makes me want to do a dance right now.

And if you're looking for something to spruce up the house for Spring, Trader Joe's has bunches of Daffodils for only $1.29! I couldn't pass them up. I bought a bunch today and wanted to buy those with closed buds so they could bloom over the weekend. Soon after I put them in water, they all began opening their petals to welcome the world. I need to watch this next time I buy flowers. I think it would be spiritual or at the very least, splendid!

Happy Spring!

What DOG breed are you?

Take the Quiz


According to this, I'm a Border Collie. Not sure I like that. Nothing against Border Collies, (LOVE them) just not liking my "dog like" traits associated with this quiz. If this is true then I seriously need to re-evaluate my life. Especially when it compares me to the likes of Martha Stewart and Bill Clinton. I'm taking this quiz again.

WTF???

Boyfriend of woman on toilet may be charged
I'm not sure about the rest of the world but if my ass was stuck to the toilet I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't let me sit there for 2 years. One? Maybe. But definitely not two.

And how funny is it that the Sheriff of the town is named Whipple. Wasn't that the guy in the "Don't Squeeze the Charmin" commercials? (I just googled Mr. Whipple. He died last November. Sad. I'll think of him everytime I wipe.)

*update*
So I asked the hubby what he thought of this story and what he would have done in this situation. He told me that he would never allow my body to actually fuse into the toilet seat, that's cruel and neglectful. However, he did say that he would not miss any opportunity to take a crap on my lap.

Really...how did I get so lucky?

finding my religion

I'm not a religious person (was raised catholic but do not practice) but I do believe in God and feel his spirit in my own way. In my opinion organized religion is an institution of conditions that makes me feel like shit when I deviate from their set standards. And I really don't enjoy feeling like shit, especially on Sunday.

It's ok if I don't "belong" to a church or have ties to any doctrine of religious beliefs especially when I view them as judgments passed on from those who don't necessarily practice what they preach. Just look at the scandal in the catholic church with all those sickwad priests. I know it's not ALL of them but that pretty much turned me sour especially since the higher ups in the church desperately tried to cover them up. Yeah, that's who I want guiding my moral actions. No thank you.

So, I've decided to come up with a list of my own beliefs (not rules or conditions) for re-inventing my faith in the spirit. I think that's what I'm going to call my new religion: Faith in Spirit.

You're welcome to join. It's open to all. 

Here's what it takes to be a member:

• Be Kind. Be Honest. Be True to Yourself.
  
• Accept others for who they are, don't try to change them.
• Avoid toxic relationships, don't just turn the other cheek, it's ok to end them.
• Smile whenever you see a dog. (Ok so I'm making this one a rule.)
• Give for the sake of giving, not in hopes of receiving.
• Help others who are in need.
• You don't have to love your enemies, save your love for those who deserve it.
• Treat all animals with respect.
• Respect our earth and appreciate nature.
• Realize that money and material things do not equate to personal fulfillment or success. 
• Strive for peace in your heart and home.

No need to worry about going to hell if you:

• Take the Lord's name in vain. Sometimes it's really the only thing that makes you feel better and God loves you and would want you to feel better.
• Have pre-marital sex. What if you never meet the right person and never get married? Should you sacrifice the enjoyment of sharing your God given sexuality? Nooooo. Go have fun. But avoid adultery.
• Indulge (or even over-indulge) in alcoholic beverages. After all, it was Jesus who turned water into wine for all of his faithful followers. (Could you imagine if he were alive today? He'd be the hit of every party.)

You have the right to:

• Make decisions regarding the welfare of your body. You only get one and no one else should govern what you can and can't do with it.
• Pursue your passions in life. Don't ever let anyone else tell you different.
• Leave an unhealthy marriage. You are not a sinner in the eyes of God. You are just human.

That's all I have for right now. I have a bunch more swirling in my head but I have to get some real work done!

This woman..

Dorothy Lucey

Drives me FLIPPIN' NUTS!!! Can't you just do the news without blabbing about your stupid son Nash??? OMG she's sooo irritating. I have to change the channel when she starts going off about her ever lovin' kid or whatever personal dilemma she feels the need to discuss while on the air because she makes my head hurt. It's really too bad because I love Steve and even Jillian but I'd rather have a double root canal without novacaine topped off with a pap smear than listen to this ingratiatingly annoying "news anchor".

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WRIGLEY!!!

Little does he know what's to come!

And here's his big boy photo (that I meant to post earlier)

I also meant to add a little poem on here for Wrigley but it'll have to wait while I take care of the 2.3 gagzillion things I need to do right now. One of them being call the vet because poor Wrigs has been throwing up every morning for 4 days. I've googled his symptoms and what the throw up looks like (yellow foamy bile stuff, sort of like Egg beaters eggs when you pour them into the skillet) and it could be anything from a hungry tummy to stomach cancer. He's lost 8 pounds in a very short time and we thought it was due to his metabolism kicking in but we want to make sure that it's not serious. He's not lethargic or weak but after he throws up he hides his head in my legs and shivers. I love this sweet noodle face soooo much.

my favorite picture

Now I understand why my mom practically shat herself anytime my sister and I played nicely together (in other words, didn't try to decapitate eachother)...


Look at the two of them, gazing longingly into eachothers eyes. This picture melts my heart!!!

But before I get too seepy over here, I must confess that this wasn't a voluntary action on the part of the two beasts. There was some human involvement.













The hubby...
I just happened to come along with the camera at the right time. I still love all three of these fuzzy beasts.

The Dentist

I survived the dentist and all of the drilling but now I have Mary Jo Buttafuoco mouth. Every dentist I've ever been to has been amazed at how many shots of novacaine it takes to get me numb. My body metabolizes the 'caine so quickly because of the heightened level of anxiety that takes over as soon as I sit in the chair. All of this stems from one bad experience years ago when an inexperienced dentist kept on drilling even after I told her I could still feel the drill on the tooth (she had given me several shots of novacaine but they wore off after about 10 minutes). It wasn't until she struck a nerve and I jolted my head back while the drill was still whizzing which sliced the entire left side of the inside of my cheek. The dentist left the room in tears while I remained pretty calm but when she returned I told her that I really wish she would have believed me. I made sure to look as pitiful as I could while spitting up blood and cheek matter into the tiny sink. She was too distraught to complete the job so she asked her partner to finish up. He loaded me up with more shots and nitrous and it was then that I decided to boycott all things dental.

That lasted several years but I was fortunate enough to find another dentist I LOVE in Chicago and now I've found another great one here in S. Cal. I still go back to Chicago for cleanings but I prefer to have any major work done closer to home. So the novacaine is starting to wear off and I can feel some discomfort on the bottom of my jaw even though the filling was on a top tooth. That makes no sense. I'm not supposed to chew on the right side for several hours and I need to avoid extreme hot and cold food/drink. I think the only thing left for me to do is pour a nice glass of room temperature red wine.

And is it just my experience or are all receptionists at dentist's offices named Patty and do all hyginiests look like this?

Time to Bake

I may be going just a tad bit overboard for Wrigley's 2nd birthday extravaganza. Today I'm starting to plan the menu of doggie treats for the goodie bag. So far I've come up with:

• Cranberry Beef Bagel Bites
  
• Apple Cinnamon Pup Tarts
• Oatmeal Carob Chip Cookies

I've got a nightmare dentist appointment in a bit so depending on how I feel after that I may get started on some sample treats.

more golf

We're headed to Newport Beach to watch the Toshiba Classic. It's a gorgeous day and we're hanging in one of the company tents where free food and booze will be flowing down my throat non stop.

We'll be camped near the 16th hole so I may run out and wave from time to time for those of you who are watching on tv. But I hope you'll be doing something else more enjoyable than watching stupid golf on tv.

Lazy Day

Stayed in my pajamas all day...

Finished making party favors and posters for Wrigley's birthday bash...

Watched Tom plant a pear and plum tree as well as three lilac bushes (love the smell of lilacs)...

Fell asleep with Wrigs on the hammock while watching Tom work in the yard...

Found a hidden bag of chocolate coated coffee balls with a vodka center...

Started sipping LemonBerrytinis at 3:30 while watching golf with Tom...

Getting ready to cook chicken/veggie kabobs on the grill, eat outside while listening to some new tunes, and sip our 'tinis...(yep, still in my jammies)

Pink Pawed Chum

This is what I woke up to this morning...


Chumley's mysterious pink paws

He was so pissed at me for trying to take a look at them but I wouldn't give up.

Pink Paw Pursuit

He actually bit me on the top of the head when I tried to get close. He even had some pink on one of his arms and a streak on his fluffy white belly. He was FURIOUS when I tried to look at that. I had to use both hands so I wasn't able to capture that face mauling on camera. I have no idea where this pink stuff came from, it's a complete mystery. He's had stuff on his paws before, usually if he gets into candy or cough drops he'll drop them into his water which will then discolor and since he drinks his water with his paws, they'll get stained. But this morning there was nothing in his water. I found some makeup on the bathroom floor that he had knocked over last night, but it was bronzer (which is terra cotta colored, not hot pink!) and a closed lip gloss along with some brushes, so that's not it either.

Quite frankly, I'm paw-zzled.

Gardening 101

I've just spent the last 2 hours in the backyard trimming plants, pulling weeds and picking up poo. Oh how I love it when the wrinkly plastic grocery bag has a slight tear in the bottom and you end up with a fingernail full of poo. I gagged all the way to the kitchen sink. Nasty. And it's even nastier that I washed it off in the kitchen sink.

Anyway, I'm not much of a gardener, (btw, is it gardner or gardener?? both come up ok in spell check-however, "ok" does not. Go figure!) so, when it comes to maintaining a beautiful yard I'm somewhat of a moron. My first real attempt at gardening was back in Minnesota, during those 2 weeks of summer. I spent an entire weekend in the backyard pretending I was some Green Thumb expert pulling and planting all sorts of random green things. I was so excited to surprise Tom so when it was time for the big reveal, anxious with anticipation, I asked him what he thought. He told me, "You did a great job of trimming the weeds and pulling the plants." Kiss my ass. I'm done.

But since living here for the past 5 years, I've discovered that most of the stuff you stick in the ground actually grows so I'm giving it another shot.

Here are some of the things I've discovered about gardening (or associated with the "act of"), here in my own backyard:

-Some of the mushrooms that spring from the earth look like penises. I didn't want to pull them out just for that fact but I also don't want Wrigs to eat them. (And why, or how is it that these mushrooms literally appear overnight?? It's like one minute nothing, and then the next minute I've got Smurf freakin' village for a backyard.)

-These bastards, hurt like a son of a bitch, even when wearing thick garden gloves.

-It's hard to tell a piece of old dog poo from a piece of bark. Always wear your garden gloves.

-I am prejudice. (when it comes to grasshoppers)
I saw this guy sitting quietly in the middle of a plant and thought, "Oh he's cute." But whenever I see a guy like this, I scream bloody murder and hurl my body through the closest door/window.

-Butterflies have creepy crawly spider legs and when one is flying towards your face, it's f*cking scary.

-When cutting out stubborn weeds with that long nose chopper type tool, make sure all electrical cords from outdoor lighting systems are out of the way.

-Bees suck.

-I derive a freakish amount of satisfaction and pleasure when a weed that I've been struggling with finally uproots from compacted earth. I mean, I REALLY get so excited about this that I'm sure it's borderline cuckoo.

Ok gotta head back outside. I'm sure I'll have more to add to this list of backyard discoveries. Sounds like the next craze in reality tv...

LEMONS LEMONS LEMONS!

One lemon, two lemons, three lemons...four.

Five lemons, six lemons...I'm a lemon whore!

I love lemons! Fresh, homegrown lemons, that is. Like these above, plucked this morning from the lemon tree in our backyard. I use them in everything: to flavor fish, salads, yogurt and of course atop of big chilled glass of freshly brewed sun tea. And they are a must have in cocktails. Love them in vodka/sodas and also in my famous Lemon-Berrytini. And when you've sucked them dry of juice use them to scrub down the sink then toss them into the disposal for a citrus cleansing. We've got quite a few big ones this year so I'd like to make Lady Bird Johnson's famous lemon cake. Here's the recipe.

We also have an over abundance of oranges. Could be from all the rain? And our peach tree is already in full bloom. Every day I see a new little nub sproutin'.

Last year we planted two grape vines (a red and a white) but they're not quite grapey yet. I guess growing grapes is somewhat of an art form. Probably why wine tastes so damn good!

I'm also revamping the vegetable garden. Last season (which is really year round) I went a bit overboard with too many different types of veggies and half of them went to the birds. So now I'm going to stick with the basics: tomatoes, a few varieties of peppers, green beans and of course a kick ass herb garden. Gotta love the herbs. Except for cilantro. YACK!

I wonder what herb helps with sinus headaches? Must. Plant. Now.

Well trained Wrigs

This morning I'm in the backyard with Wrigs, enjoying a latte while he runs around like a spaz with a giant stick in his mouth. I hear my neighbor outside on the other side of the wall with her Golden, Lola. Wrigs is running towards me with his monster stick and then my neighbor yells, "SIT!" (to her dog). Wrigs stops suddenly, drops the stick out of his mouth and immediately sits down. Then he just stares at me. Does he think I threw my voice over the wall? Then a few minutes later he does his business in Pooh Corner and starts heading back towards me. Then my neighbor says, "Lola STAY!" and Wrigs freezes in motion, glancing from side to side. I spit out my latte laughing at this big, goofy (yet well trained) lug of a dog.

Oh and while this was taking place I felt a tingling sensation on my left nipple so I looked down my shirt and saw a teeny ant circling my areola. Though pleasant, I had to flick him (or her) away. Teeny tiny perv.

Where's the Edit button?

Quick story from yesterday...

When I got to work I was told that my boss was in the hospital and may have to undergo emergency back surgery. We had a lot of business to take care of (especially if the surgery was going to happen) so we had to have a meeting in his hospital room. So I drive to the hospital, (it's right off the coast in Newport Beach and it's more like a spa/resort) grab some coffee at the Zen cafe then make my way towards the patient elevators.

As I approach, the doors of one elevator bank start to close so I sprint over and stick my arm through about an inch, then get scared and quickly pull back. A doctor walks up and says, "Nice try." I told him, "I was afraid it would chop off my arm but I guess I'm in the right place if it did. I probably wouldn't need to call 911." He said, "No you wouldn't, a few screams is all it would take." We shared a chuckle, then as another door opened we went in along with two elevator maintenance men. They said that as long as your arm extends passed the metal part of the door and hits the inside part where the beams transmit, the doors would re-open. I told them I just got spooked but next time, "I'll be tough and won't pull-out prematurely." Yep, those were my choice of words. I was the first to exit the elevator and as soon as I did, they broke out in laughter.

Dirty minded pervs.

God Help Us

I won't post the story or any images about that F*CK WAD Marine who killed the crying puppy in Iraq. I am physically sick right now and feel that I might throw up after reading this story so I need to cut this short. Get these GUYS OUT OF THERE AND GET THEM THE MENTAL COUNSELING THEY NEED POSSIBLY FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES DUE TO THIS CLUSTER F*CK OF A WAR!!! And maybe this guy was mentally screwed up to begin with, but what he's endured over the last several years has not helped his or any one else's state of reality. If they don't get the help they need and DESERVE once they return home, we'll be fighting a different kind of war on our very own soil.

The Oprah class...

...was a big fat bust.

It's no surprise since there were close to half a million people logged on from 139 different countries across the globe. I thought maybe it was just my slow ass computer but both my sister and Mindy had issues with their computers freezing up too. My sister was on speaker and every so often you'd hear a "F*ck!" out of the phone as Mindy and I were IMing our frustrations back and forth. Here this course is supposed to help you find that path to spiritual enlightenment and inner peace but it left me clenched and foul mouthed. After several frustrating moments I finally had to "open apple, option, esc" in order to close out of the program, but my computer was piping hot and the program would not force quit. Then it started to make this loud whizzing sound before the whole thing went black and lost power. It was anything but spiritual.

Perhaps Oprah should shelve this "New Earth" concept for a while and offer those who were ready to smash their computers to smithereens, a course on Anger Management. I'm thinking there's more of a need for that right about now.

Note to self

Never lotion your feet with Shea butter foot cream, put on a pair of strappy wedge sandals, and then take your galloping 80 lb dog for a trip to Pet Smart. Never, ever, ever EVER do that again!

I have much more to post today, but first I must tend to a wounded bum.

***(I have absolutely NO IDEA how the picture above started to move but I LOVE it! When I downloaded it to my desktop it was a still image but after it posted on here it became animated! So cool! Ok, I really need to ice my arse.)

The Big Give

Did anybody watch this last night on ABC?? WOW. LOVED it. Finally, a reality show with a purpose and positive message!! I asked Tom if he could perhaps deviate from the Golf Channel to watch this show with me. He obliged but said he wasn't thrilled about another Oprah show. I told him to just give it a try and that the reviews for this show have been extremely positive and that you can't watch it with a dry eye. Tom informed me that there would be NO WAY he would shed a tear over this show.

He held his ground until...

The mother and her two twin toddlers sent their balloon messages to Daddy in heaven. Awwww f*ck. We both just lost it. Tom didn't even fight the tear that trickled down his cheek. He just let it go and said, "You got me."

We're both totally hooked on this show. We thought all the contestants were amazing except for two. The blond crazy haired chick, she was OBNOXIOUS and seems to be a bit of a time bomb. I have a feeling she's going to have some sort of mental explosion on this show. Just you wait. And then the other person was the lady in the wheelchair. I hate to identify her by the wheelchair but oh well, it's easier than describing her physical attributes and then saying and by the way she's the one sitting down all the time. She was way too bossy and didn't give her partner much chance for input and ideas. And I know a lot of this has to do with how the show's edited and the image the producers want to portray but from the snippets shown, she seemed controlling and combative and needs to back the hell down for the next challenge(s). Without even watching next week's episode my prediction (and hope) is that one of these two gets the boot.

For those who tend to think that this show is preying on the tragedies of helpless victims or highlighting the struggles of those less fortunate for ratings, I have to disagree. There is so much good that comes out of this show for people who need the "good" in their lives (just like Extreme Home Makeover). It's more about the message it sends to everyday people watching who can then apply this to their own lives and recognize that need in others. And it's not about karma-we shouldn't think about "what's in it for us" when it comes to helping others. Why not act on instinct? You see a need, react...without expecting anything in return (other than a happy heart.)

It's a simple concept. I hope one day this world figures it out.

Chumley burped

This morning Chumley let out a monster belch (for a cat), with cheeks puffed up and all. Right afterwards he looked at me like, "So? What the hell?! You do it ALL the time." He's right.

I only wish I had it on video. But I did find this gem on youtube to tie you over until Chum's next big one.

(*make sure you pay attention :24 seconds into it. It's the best part.)

Love is Here

I'm in love with this song by Sophie Ellis Bextor...Love is Here. (Since I'm having issues posting audio files I had to find the song on youtube, but now, you get a bonus slide show!)

It's one of those songs that makes you want to dance. In fact, that's what Wrigs and I are doing right now while it's playing!!

Hope it makes you happy too.

Cleanin' House

I found some old pics...

One was from my Junior Prom when I was still a very sweet, innocent, wholesome church going Catholic girl...(thank God I broke the hell outta that mold)

(Note the brillo pad frizz aka my hair. I spent HOURS trying to straighten that hot mess (this was obviously before ceramic flat irons and even straightening serums) and it just kept getting frizzier with every touch. I was bawling when my date showed up and he was so sweet and kept telling me my hair looked pretty and we were going to be late so...off we went! Why the heck didn't I just tie it back in a low pony tail or whip it into a bun!?!? God, this picture makes me want to barf.)

Cut to... a few years later in college when the majority of my "wholesomeness" had gone bye bye and I finally invested in a quality flat iron:


Yeah, here's a pic certain to make my mother proud: Underage daughter, beer in hand wearing hooker red lipstick that's shmeared off her face, getting mauled by some boozer. Do I even remember his name? (it was a spontaneous dance so you were asked like 5 minutes before and this guy asked me as we were walking home from a class together.)

Those were the days. If I can figure out a way to edit about 95% of what really happened, maybe I'll share some of those experiences on here...

sick of the animals

Let me just start off by saying, I love my animals, but...

...my patience is wearing thin.

Maybe because it's now day 9 of this hell flu and my throat is raw from coughing and I'm just so ready to be over this. And these blasted animals are annoying the phlegm outta me. There are strands of dog fur in EVERYTHING! In the butter, stuck to the top of the honey tube, on all of the dishtowels and my clothing, so when I try to wipe my hands of fur on a towel they just get covered in more. I've purchased every kind of grooming tool for this dog but he still sheds constantly. And it's f*cking annoying, especially when you just want to make a bowl of oatmeal and you end up with a dish of one part oatmeal, one part shards of glistening golden fur.

And then Chumley.

Oh where the heck to even begin. Last week there was an incident involving Chumley and Wrigley while Chum was taking a dump in his litter box. Wrigley stuck his big fat head inside (he has those covered boxes) while Chum was still pinching a loaf and Chum went APE SHIT and scrambled out the box in mid pinch. It wasn't pretty. Then Wrigley got his head stuck in the box (I think his collar somehow attached to the lid) and was thrashing around trying to get it unstuck and he ended up dragging the box several feet before the whole thing split in two spreading litter clumps and warm fecal matter all over the bathroom and hallway. It was disgusting and I thought in time I'd laugh it off and post it on here but it's been a while now and I'm still not laughing.

Since this incident Chum has become the Speedy Shitter and when he unloads, he doesn't spend a second more than he has to in that box. Problem is, he's not fully finished so in the last several days I've found little globs of Chum matter scattered about the house. Some I've stepped in, some Wrigs found and gobbled, and some I've picked up thinking it was something else, which is what I did this morning WHILE I was eating my oatmeal!!! The blob was on the kitchen counter and was underneath a hanging plant that drops curly dead leaves from time to time so to me, that's what this brown blob looked like. But once I made contact, I realized it wasn't a leaf but it STILL didn't dawn on me what it was. I thought it must be some sort of food since it was on the counter so while I had a mouthful of oats/dog fur in my mouth I brought the blob to my nose to sniff and that's when I lost it. I spit out my breakfast, threw the rest of the bowl down the sink and now here I am.

I'm finally going into work tomorrow if only for a few hours. This house is making me sick.

Blast from the Past

I need to lighten up on the cough meds because I fell asleep on the couch and dreamt about the "Come Back Can". Do any 30-40 somethings remember this??? It was a science type activity for kids on the PBS show Electric Company back in the 70's-80's.

I found an updated version of the can on this site. Be warned, the guy demonstrating the can has WAY too much energy. Back in the day I made my can out of a big coffee tin and really enjoyed playing with it for days at a time. Could you imagine giving this to an 8 year old today? Yeah, I don't think so.

So I "youtubed" Electric Company and found the opening credits (recognize anyone? Yep, it's Morgan Freeman!) I used to LOVE when this show came on and I'd scream at the top of my lungs, "HEY YOU GUUUUUUUYYYYYSSSS" right along with them. Youtube also had one of my FAVORITE segments (again featuring Mr. Freeman.)

For those of you old enough to remember, I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane. For those of you who don't I'm sorry because you really missed out on some interactive, educational TV. If it wasn't for this show I probably still wouldn't be able to read.

Freakshow at the Food Store

I finally felt strong enough to venture out of my house today, and shop for some healthy food like fruits/veggies/wine, etc. As soon as I entered the store I was greeted by this overly friendly dude at a demo table wearing what looked like Blublockers. He asked me if I would be interested in a drawing to win a free bag of groceries (who wouldn't?) so I said of course and filled out all my personal information (full name, address, phone numbers.) Then, after I handed him my information he asked me what newspaper I read. I told him I don't read or subscribe to newspapers, I prefer to save trees. Then he asked where I get my daily news? Um, hello??? There's this crazy box called a TELEVISION and an even CRAZIER tool called the INTERNET!?!?! I didn't really put it like that but I did tell him that I typically read the Drudge Report online for news. For the most part, they are non biased and agenda free. He then went into his monologue about the benefits and savings I'll incur if I sign up for the OC Register: I'd get 5 Sundays free and blah blah blahbity blah blah. I wanted to grab my contact card from his grip because now I'm certain I'll end up on some ridiculous junk mail/solicitation list.

I told him as politely as I could that I just wasn't interested so I guess I won't be waltzing out of here with a cart full of freebies. Then he tried to sell me on the Orange County coupon book and "if I sign up today I could save $10" or something like that and "really you should take a look at how many new restaurants and services are featured this year" and more blah blah blah BS. When he finally took a breath I cut him off and let him know that my big burly husband already gets this book and it's sitting in the back seat of my car as we speak. Of course he's well versed in every excuse known to man so he replies with "Well, you could always give this away as a gift to someone else?" Are you f*cking kidding me??? Who the hell would want that??? "Happy Birthday Mom, here's your Orange County coupon guide. Woops! I forgot you live in Illinois!" Seriously guy, give it up. I finally just said that I'm sorry I'm really not interested in buying anything but a few things to eat since I've been sick with this horrible flu for the last week. I added a few meaty coughs at the end and he smiled and sent me on my way. Just one of the few perks that comes along with a chest full o' mucus.

Real Life "SCREAM"

This is just too creepy...
2 Stabbed During Horror Movie

trying to "bee" positive

I'm feeling like my good friend Christina when she wrote this post. Being confined to the house with this nasty ass flu (not sure if I mentioned it on here) is anything but pleasant. But today when I awoke, again feeling like I'd been swimming in a snot pool all night, I said to myself, ENOUGH. Even if my body is physically sick, I'm going to change my mental outlook and try to enjoy the day, enjoy life! After a 5 minute nose blowing extravaganza, I got dressed into fresh clothes (without patches of dried snot on the sleeves) and finally finished up the loads of laundry I started last Thursday. Since it's a balmly 80 degrees without a single cloud, I decided to give my make shift clothesline a whirl. As they say in McDonaldland...I'm Loving it! With the help of the sun's strong rays, our lightweight shirts dry in about a half hour and they smell so fresh and summery. What I didn't plan for were the birds that like to sit atop the trellis where one end of the clothesline is attached. As a result one of my tanks got shit splattered but it was mostly confined to the straps. I just moved the clothes a bit further down the line, no big deal. Oh and I also need to turn the clothes inside out because I neglected to realize that the sun fades colors in no time. So I'll make sure to do that for next time. Sorry Tom! (One of his red t-shirts is now a combo coral/salmon hue but I'm confident he can still pull it off.)

So back to enjoying this beautiful day! I made an ice cold green tea latte which I haven't been drinking too much lately because milk = more mucus production which is the last thing I need right now but since I'm not going to let this sickness dictate what I can and can't indulge in, I'm gonna have one! Armed with my latte and Oprah book I headed back outside to recline on the lawn couch and absorb the sun's vitamins for a while. I watched as my clothes blew slightly in the breeze casting ghostly shadows on the ground so I thought, I've gotta snap some photos.


When I came back to my spot on the couch there sat a curious bee on my latte straw. Thank GOD I didn't just pick up my glass without looking and swallow him down in one giant gulp, I thought! And who knew bees were around in February?!? It was the first bee I'd seen in a while and the only bee I could see in my backyard. I said hello to Mr. Bee and sat perfectly still while he milled around the straw and hovered over the glass occasionally dipping his bee feet into the milk. I was feeling rather generous so I let him have a few sips and after he filled up he buzzed off into the orange tree.

The orange tree looked so vibrant against the bright blue contrast of the sky, so of course it was time for another photo.


Did I mention that's where Mr. Bee went after his latte? I guess I was too caught up in photo taking to realize he was only inches from my face. So of course I freaked when I heard the buzzing (practically in my ear) and screamed and turned to run as fast as I could but was shin blocked by an ottoman. I leapt over the ottoman and the buzzing stopped. Then I felt...

...THE STING.


That f*cker stung me on the side of my neck. I slapped my neck about 20 times (of course while screaming with what little voice I had left) and then he flew away. He didn't die and there was no stinger left behind so now he's able to inflict his evil wrath on someone else (possibly me) again! I'm not taking any chances, so I packed up my shit and came back inside to nurse my gaping wound in addition to this nasty ass flu. I felt better when I was miserable.

TMI

***more gross stuff***

I just spent the last half hour hacking up a storm, trying to clear my mucus clogged chest cavity. Finally, I was making some progress and could feel the stuff make its way up my throat so I gave it my all and let out one last ferocious cough and the loog came shooting out of my throat full force. But, I have no idea where it went. I'm sprawled out on my oversized chair/ottoman covered in a blanket, surrounded by magazines, a book, remote controls, and the dog. I don't really feel like scavenger hunting for snot right now so I'm sure it'll turn up at some point.

----------------------------------------------------------

Due to all this nonstop coughing, I've now completely lost my voice, and...

...peed my pants twice. Once from a violent sneezing fit (seriously like 6 machine gun sneezes in a row) and on the final sneeze, I pissed myself. And the second time was while I was actually enroute to the bathroom after drinking a jug of Gatorade when an eye popping coughing fit took over my body, bladder included. This really sucks. I am so sick of being sick!

one more award

I'm watching some of the pre-Oscar interviews on the red carpet and can't handle how ridiculously fake this biz is. Rather than rant about all the people that are excruciatingly annoying to me I will just leave you with my pick for the Most Irritating and Phony Couple in Hollywood:

Kindly do us all a favor and...Get Over Yourselves!

I just can't stand the fact that Saturday Night Fever preaches about global warming and how we all should do our part while he not only flies, but OWNS FIVE JETS!!! This "environmentalist" produces 100 times more carbon emissions than the average human being. I'm tired of these f*ck wads and their holier than thou attitudes on politics, world events, the environment, etc. Stick with what you know, read your f*cking lines and then shut the f*ck up.

and Kelly, in case you haven't noticed, your husband's GAY. But you're probably too busy spreading your Scientology bull shit to all the third world countries to notice. As long as you don't have to fly commercial, what do you care?

insane in my membranes

I'm in the study doing some odds and ends and Tom's in the family room watching stupid ass golf (Shocking!) Every 15-20 seconds I have a bit of a coughing fit and after each cough he yells something from the other room.

me: Cough Cough Cough

him: please stop coughing?

-Cough

-Stop.

-Cough, Cough

-Stop, now.

-Cough, Cough, Cough

-You. Must. Stop.

-Cough

-NOW!!!

Similar to Chinese Water Torture, I'm driving him mad one phlegm filled cough at a time.

this just in...

An insider at my local Starbucks told me that they may not be discontinuing their breakfast sandwiches. It's not confirmed but he did say that originally they were supposed to stop selling them around April of this year and all of their advertising for the sandwiches had to be removed from the stores. Then he said they received notice that they will be continuing the sandwiches through October of this year and they just received new signs and displays for them! So if they weren't going to sell these anymore, why would they spend the money on advertising?

This latest press release from Starbucks still states they will be discontinued but you never know. They claim that the smell of the breakfast sandwiches interferes with the aroma of the brewed coffee so if that's really the issue why the hell not move the little easy bake oven thingy into the back room, aka the KITCHEN and heat them up in there? It also mentions that they will FINALLY offer FREE wi-fi, so no more of that T-mobile $9.99-a-day crap. That's just plain greedy. As if they don't rip off their customers enough with each $4 latte they sell. I'm really not a big fan anyway due to their inflated prices for coffee that induces mind numbing headaches, but those damn breakfast sandwiches kept me coming back. And they were only $2.95 which is less than a tall vanilla latte.

I really hope my insider wasn't smoking crack when he passed along this info. I plan on writing gobs of letters to HQ's and let them know that while yes, they are primarily a coffee business, not everyone comes back for their brew but since they have pretty much taken over every other chain or independent shop out there, it doesn't leave us with much choice so don't f*cking limit your product offerings!!! Why do I have a feeling that they will continue to keep these sandwiches but will slap on a $5.95 price tag along with it? We'll just have to wait and see.

Oreo Cakesters

Oh. My. God.

They are really that good.

Even though I have no tastebuds, these things are so damn good that they should not be sold as food but rather a drug. You just have to try them. And of course they are loaded with calories, fat and carbs but if you need to indulge every once in a while (or just once a month) then this is your poison.

Oscar the Grouch

The Oscars are on tonight and this is how it's looking right now. It seems like the last few years have been rainy and cold for this blessed Hollywood event. Maybe next year they should consider a new location with less chance for rain like the Congo or Seattle.

Every year Tom and I compete against each other in all the categories (or until one of us falls asleep). Sometimes it gets pretty heated. We need to make our picks ahead of time because we can't pick the same film or person for a category. This is when the violence erupts. So as I'm looking over the list of nominees, I'll make some quick picks now...

• Diving Bell and Butterfly MUST win for Best Direction. If it doesn't I will be pissed.
  

• Once better win for Best Song. Again if it doesn't me = mad.
  

• I think Juno will win for Best Original Screenplay but will not get best picture.
  

• Best Picture is a toss up between Michael Clayton and No Country for Old Men but since I can only pick one I will go with No Country for Old Men.
  

• Actress in a Lead Role: this is tough but I'm gonna go with Ellen Page. And supporting actress: Saorise Ronan. *update 4:00pm, I want to change my pick for best supporting actress to Cate Blanchett and since it's well before the Oscars start it is allowed, so Tom can't go ape shit on me!
  

• Best Actor in a Lead: Daniel Day Lewis. Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem.
  

That's all my weak mind can muster up right now. Since I'm confined to the comforts of my easy chair all day, I'm sure I'll be back again later. Until then, I need to spit out a loogy.

The Flu Bug

I'm not getting any better and have this horrible hacking cough that is depleting my body of what little energy it has left. Only good thing is I don't have to do sit-ups for a month because my stomach muscles are working overtime with every coughing fit. So I guess this is the old fashioned flu bug that's been sweeping across the nation (except Florida). It looks like I'll have to suffer through this misery for about another week, as most people have told me this tends to last a good two weeks. I'm already onto my second bottle of the good stuff but it's not helping to alleviate my obnoxious symptoms (coughing, sneezing, seeping, wheezing).

In case you or someone you know is starting to feel like crap, check out this site which helps determine whether or not it's the flu or a cold. Had I gotten an anti-viral script the day I started to feel like this I probably would have cut this thing in half. And since Tom doesn't have so much as a sniffle, I'm definitely going to get the flu shot next season. Let's hope I'm over this by then!

a photo

Just cleaning up some pictures on my desktop and found this photo I took of a doorway in Santorini last year. I imagine myself going back and opening the door to a one room dwelling with stone floors and a stove and a small bed in the corner where I could live happily ever after.

Just when I thought I was getting better...

Whamo! I'm knocked on my ass again with this bug. Thankfully the body aches and lava throat have left the building but now my head, chest and lungs are loaded with mucus. My eyes keep seeping fluids and I have an "extremely irritating cough", thanks Tom. My wardrobe of choice consists of a sweatshirt with a pocket in the front where I stash gobs of kleenex in case of a mucus spouting sneeze attack. I need to tie a plastic baggy around my waist for quick disposal of nasty snot rags. So as long as the mucus is clear I don't have to worry about infection right? I know if it starts to turn green then it's time to see a doctor and get some antibiotics. So until then I'll just keep hacking and spewing, sneezing and blowing. Not to be gross, but last night while I was surfing the net I had a severe coughing fit and out shot a globule that landed on my lap top screen. Ok I guess that was gross.

On a positive note, I think I'm addicted to Theraflu Nighttime Severe Cold Warming Syrup. This stuff is fantastic. I've loaded up on so many capsules and medicinal liquids over the last 5 days and really nothing has helped with my symptoms. However, this stuff warms your insides and makes you feel tingly (especially when you double up on the dosage). And I like taking the Nighttime meds during the day because it doesn't really put me to sleep it just makes me feel all floaty-like as I go on about the day...and that's not a bad thing.

something that bugs me

Why is it when you're sick someone always asks, "Do you have a temperature?"

WTF??? OF COURSE I HAVE A TEMPERATURE! If I didn't I'd be DEAD! Dumb asses.

But if you meant to ask 'do I have an elevated temperature aka a fever' then yes, I do. Now go away.

pinkberry...

...keeps comin' closer!

Now it's only a mere 17 miles from my home!

I still don't know what that "secret" ingredient is that makes it soooo addicting, but as long as it's not fecal matter or vomit, I'll continue to stuff it in my face.

don't like watching the news

I pray this motherf*cker BURNS in hell some day soon. Stories like this infuriate me to the core and I can't get them out of my head. WHY WHY WHY would someone do this???

sick etc...

I woke up at 7:30 this morning feeling soooo much better. I was still in the same clothes I wore to bed Tuesday night and thought that I'd do a few household chores before hopping in the shower. I emptied the nasty ass litter boxes, fought with the Roomba, sorted through the laundry and started one of four loads, then hand washed a few delicates. While wringing out the delicates I felt dizzy and almost faint-like. So now here I am back in bed watching I Love Lucy. Both animals are here with me again, Wrigs in the bed and Chum's on the ottoman. They're both watching me as I type on my lap top and I don't think they understand this sick business. They have a look of concerned confusion on their little mugs. I just love watching them and I'm always wondering what's going on in their little minds. Chum looks at me and then Wrigley, then Wrigley looks at Chum and when eye contact is made Chum raises his lip a little and lets out a faint meow. Then Wrigs looks away and side glances at Chum then Chum looks back at me. I could lie here and watch this whole exchange for hours at a time. And since I'm feeling crappy again, that may be all I do today.

Though I really need to read that Oprah book. Mindy posted a clip about Awakening Your Purpose on her blog.

sick sick sick

I'm home in bed sick with who knows what. My glands are swollen my throat is raw and sore, my ears are pounding and my body aches all over. I've been in bed since 5pm yesterday and my 2 faithful friends are keeping close watch. Wrigs is with me on the bed and occasionally comes up to lay across my chest and Chumley is guarding the bedroom door. They are so cute and both know that their mommy is not feeling so great.

If only they could learn to use the microwave and mix up a batch of theraflu. I'm going to put the covers over my head and go back to sleep now.

She's fallen...

...but let's hope she can get up!
Former First Lady Nancy Reagan takes a tumble.

Tom's new favorite show:

The Ghost Whisperer. He actually DVR'd yesterday's episode. I can't figure out whether he really likes the show itself or if he just enjoys oogling Jennifer Love's boobies. I'm thinking it's the latter.

And last night we watched the movie The Last King of Scotland. Very disturbing and difficult movie to watch. You know how IMDB categorizes movies by keywords? Well here's a list of the keywords used for this movie so if you haven't seen it you'll have an idea of what to expect. Wish I was a bit more prepared.

My Grandma

I was catching up with my Grandmother (Baba) over the phone this morning and as we were chatting about this and that she tells me that she's got to get ready because her friend is coming to pick her up in a little bit. I asked her where she was going and her reply...

"To the circus honey."

Of course! I should have known. She's going to be 92 and good God, I love her!

another tragedy

It's really sad when your university makes the news for this reason:
Shooting at Northern Illinois University

Shhh. It's a Surprise!

Wrigley will be turning 2 years old exactly one month from now. He celebrated his 1st birthday with his real brother Casey at his house and it was so much fun. Of course I blogged about it so if you want to see pics check them out. This year I wanted to do something just as special but I wasn't sure what. Then Chumley had an idea. He suggested we throw Wrigley a surprise birthday party so that's what we're going to do! My dear friend kbl gave me some excellent ideas, especially on how to make the perfect doggy Chicken Cake. This is going to be quite a bash. I was talking to Tom on the phone about the idea and I will say, the guy has finally crossed over the threshold. Our conversation went something like this...

me: So I have an idea for Wrig's birthday.

him: Can't wait to hear this. Are we renting out Disneyland?

Not this year. (lowering my voice) We're going to throw him a surprise party.

Oh really??? I love that idea.

I thought you would but I can't really talk about it. He's in the next room.

I understand. Who's invited?

I was going to make it a "Golden" only party with Casey, Lola, Achilles and Milo but then I thought that was discriminatory plus he's got to have Chloe (his cousin, a lhasa apso) and Bentley (his best buddy a yellow lab, who pee peed on his duck toy) and of course lil' Miss Molly! (Casey's sister, a cocker-spaniel)

Wow, that's a full house!

Full backyard.

So for the next month you're going to be planning this party?

Pretty much, but remember, don't talk about it in front of Wrigley. I really want this to be a surprise.

I won't. Have you told Chumley?

Actually, believe it or not, it was his idea!

No way.

Tom, I swear. I think he's really coming around.

That's great. Alright back to reality, I gotta go.

---

So Chum and I are in full party planning mode. We're working on the invites, party favors and games/prizes.

We've come up with a few ideas:
-Sit/Stay Contest
-Doggy Races
-Find the Bone
-Hide and Seek
-Henna Tattoo station (for human beings)

I also thought it would be fun to incorporate a doggy style drinking game for the humans (not the dogs!) Like for instance if your dog loses a challenge, then the owner(s) have to drink! I still need to figure out the details but either way there's going to be wine and beer a'plenty!

Awaken Your Purpose

My sister told me about this online class (promoted by Oprah - who's that?) and then a couple days later I receive the book for it in the mail from my mom! I guess that's a hint I need to sign up. So I did. Actually all 3 of us are doing it.

It's definitely an interesting concept but I have some MAJOR reservations about the technical aspect of this class. How in the HELL is the technology going to support 1,000,000+ people on the SAME site all at the SAME time, every Monday night for 10 weeks? I see where this is going and it has CLUSTER F*CK written all over it.

I have a feeling come Monday March 3, at 8:03pm the server over at Harpo or wherever the hell they keep their crap is going to look like this.

Let's hope I'm wrong but I just don't see the logistics of this working without some major capacity issues.



*If you can't access the link for the class it may be because Oprah's website is not compatible with Safari browsers so you may need to download Firefox in order to view it.

Check your Text

Sometimes predictive text cannot be trusted. For instance, today I was texting my friend while shopping at the party store and I was telling her the things I needed to get for the upcoming bash.

My text: 'I need to get some hats, goody bags, napkins and slaves'

her response: 'WTF???'

I re-read my text in the sent folder.

My reply: 'I meant to say PLATES not slaves - stupid predictive text'

Her resonse: 'Good to know. I was wondering what kind of party you were having'

this sucks...

While shopping at the party store for some "surprise" birthday party items (more on that later) I saw a warning where the Billy Bob teeth used to be about a safety recall due to "impermissible amounts of toxic lead which must be taken away from your children immediately". Great. Why am I always the last to know? I've been wearing my Billy Bob teeth off and on since the recall which was announced in Oct. of 2007. Perhaps my own teeth will start to rot and fall out and I won't need the Billy Bob's anymore! I always try to look on the bright side.

goBAMAgo!

things are definitely looking up!!

run for the border

The past few days there have been a shitload of decent sized quakes just south of the border. I sure hope they don't keep moving north. Something's going on under that crust.

sorry people

I have a feeling I'm going to unintentionally piss off those of you who are contending with negative temperatures and frozen earth. Let me apologize to you in advance.

And let me also say...

It's f*cking GORGEOUS here!

The past 3 days have been close to 80 degrees without a cloud in the sky and I have an extreme case of summer fever. We just returned from Hawaii where it was overcast and/or rainy pretty much every day except one. So coming home to sunshine and 80 degrees is absolute paradise, especially since it was 40 degrees and rainy for about 2 weeks prior to our trip.

And since the air smells great and the sun's shining bright I want to spend as much time possible outside so I'm going to install a clothesline in the backyard for our laundry. Not only does it save on energy use but it will also give our clothes a citrus-like scent since I'm hanging the line next to our orange/lemon hybrid tree. I'm not sure if I'm going to get all fancy with the line and hook it up with a pulley system like my Grandmother used to have, we'll just see the level of difficulty once I get out there. For starters I bought a 50 foot rope and scoured the garage for some nails and c-shaped hooks.

As a kid I used to love watching my Grandmother in Connecticut hang up our clothes on her clothesline. She had this tiny little sun porch off the kitchen where she placed the basket of wet clothes to hang. There was just enough room for the two of us and she would let me stand on a chair and help clip the clothes to the line. One time I snuck out there by myself and hung my Drowsy Doll (do you guys remember this doll?!) by her hair onto the line. When my Grandmother was washing dishes at the sink I pulled on the line so Drowsy slowed started to appear outside the kitchen window. When my Grandmother caught a glimpse of the hanging doll she screamed "OH MATCO!" (mother in Ukranian/Russian/Polish) and dropped her dishes. Nearly 30 years later, we still laugh about this. Not much has changed.

permanent reminder

********the tat*********
********************
I missed my animals sooooooooooo much while on this trip that I had to do something about it.

So,

I got a tattoo...

...that I sketched on a piece of paper after a glass (or two) of wine.

This tattoo signifies both of my babies...

...on my ass cheek.

Yeah, that's love.

Pic coming later (when it stops seeping fluids and de-puffs)

But because I'm sooo excited about the "tat" I'll tell you what it is:

It's a cat paw and a dog paw, touching.


The paws above sort of look like mine but they are side by side on my ass cheek and I had the tat artist add dagger claws on Chum's paw for realism. I can always add blood droplets in the future for a more realistic effect.

It hurt like a son of a bitch but it was worth every flesh mutilating second.

I can't wait to smother my beasts with squeezes and kisses the moment I see them.

Aloha

from Hawaii...


While here, I'm on the hot pursuit of this.

*for friends and family who read this blog:
I am not able to e-mail you guys, (for whatever reason my e-mail program will not send out mail via 3rd party but I can receive e-mail) I thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers regarding my sis. The surgery was a success and she is doing great. Thank you all so much for her thinking of her!

-Mahalo

Frozen people

This just may be one of the most brilliant practical jokes of our time...

Grand Central

My dog the wimp

Just to give you a glimpse of what it's like every time I open the door to let Wrigs out. This was taken today at 9am almost 2 hours after he ate breakfast and also refused to go out last night because of the cold. I'm afraid he's going to get backed up. I'm late with our morning walk and I know that's what he's holding out for but seriously, it's fricking cold.



*and I know our backyard (if you'd even call it that) is in disarray right now. We had to put a tarp over the door area because of all the heavy rains we've been having. But still, I should probably remove it.

Jerry on Tom

I have a whole new level of respect for this man.